RC WC UNDER THE MOON — GOLDENROAR

[PIKESTAR PIKESTAR]

Sablestar was right. There was a mystery about this place. He was more than aware of the fact that the Shadowclan leader was talking about their history with this place, but to Riverclan's leader? His history with this place may not have been as long, but here he found death. The memory of Adderfang killing him still haunted his dreams from time to time. However, it is also here where he was given life. A small brown and white kit he calls his own, Pricklekit. Unfortunately, the oaks were cruel with this gift. They had decided not only to give him a child, but bring a familiar face as well.

A face he once caressed in the sunlight, fawning over golden red fur that could rival the sun itself. If not in appearance than by warmth. That night... He could feel those strong arms wrap around him, a tail entwined with his. It unsettled him. The feeling was good. Too good. He felt safe. Every fiber of his being yowled to moon, begging it to remind him what was lost under its glow. To remind him of the heartache and the loneliness. In the end, he could only sleep restlessly. Russetfall in all her bluntness had told him he looked terrible, which was met with a groan. He decided not to say it felt as if Adderfang took another one of his lives again.

Wanting to find some peace, he sought out the great oaks. Maybe he could find some answers here. Maybe Sablestar is here tonight. I wonder if he'll allow me to be near him again. Even if he wronged Riverclan, he was nice to speak to. He might just help me get my feelings sorted out. Fortune decided otherwise. The moment he entered the clearing, green eyes landed on the very cat he dreaded meeting. He couldn't turn away either. Goldenroar was staring at him as if he'd seen a ghost. Guess you weren't expecting me. The faint twitch of the Windclan deputy's maw amused Pikestar. You used to be so sure. What happened? Nervous? Am I really that frightening?

All Pikestar can do is smile. The rage he felt watching Goldenroar beside Dustystar who had her kit curled against her begins to boil. We could have been a family. It takes every ounce of strength he has not to yell at the Windclanner.

"I was expecting someone else."

It isn't a complete lie. However, he knew there wasn't any reason to bring this up to Goldenroar other than bitterness. He looks around the clearing.

"I guess I'm too early."

The silence shared between them is scathing. Pikestar can't help but find some joy in this. To have Goldenroar tongue tied. Granted, what would the Windclan deputy even say. What was there to say to someone you ran away from? I'll help you.

"It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

The reaction is immediate. He gives no room for Goldenroar to speak.

"I thought I would never see you again."

There was no need for explanations. Even if many moons have passed since then, neither of them could forget how they felt. The despair he felt when he awoke to an empty nest began to worm itself in his heart once more. Back then... His hope was that something happened to Goldenroar. That he gone out to bring them food, but something went wrong. Yes, that is why he didn't return. However, deep in his heart he knew. Goldenroar discarded him.

"To be honest I want to scream at you for what you did. Even looking at you is hard. Do you know how many moons I've grieved over you? I loved you more than anyone else. If we were moving too fast, all you needed to do was tell me. I would've waited."

Or was it me? Did you stop loving me then? No. Stop thinking about the reason. It's over. There's nothing left between us. He shakes his head.

"It doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to hear your excuses. You made your choice."

𝐨𝐨𝐜 𓆩♱𓆪 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭

• @GOLDENROAR everything will be alright trust
• PIKESTAR

  — leader of riverclan, former shipyard cat
  ♱ 41 moons — he/him — ages realistically on the 1st — mentoring iciclepaw
  ♱ speech is

  "#36D9AB"

  — thoughts are italics — attacks are underlined
  ♱ short haired silver mackerel tabby with green eyes
  ♱ peaceful & healing powerplay permitted — underline & tag when attacking
  ♱ penned by velou — kasaven on discord — open to plots & dms
  

 

[GOLDENROAR]

His heart ached, and he hated feeling this way. Every morsel of his being cried out for him to stop approaching Fourtrees. To turn back to the meager nest he allowed himself in Windclan, still thinking of flighting like he always did. The only reason he had stuck to the barn was to help those that got abandoned, not to stick around and make friends. He stuck around so his brother and sister would flourish. He stuck around so he could make sure young kits and sickly cats that got dumped had a life ahead of them. He hadn't stuck around for companionship or love or want.

He had left Pike like that too. He had turned tail and ran. He couldn't stick around for that, even if every fiber of his being wanted to stay. He couldn't. Goldy, then, knew that it would be too good. He'd fly too close to the sun and Pike would have melted him from the inside out, and he'd topple and fall and- a breath, great and whooping, is sucked in just as he passes into Fourtrees. Goldenroar had left Windclan camp in the dead of the night, using the excuse of needing a walk to clear his mind and he'd be back. No one really questioned him. Being a deputy got him places without having to beg or ask or cheat, and he liked that fact. The freedom to go where he pleased.

For a moment, there's peace. Peace, standing where they had just a pawful of nights ago, staring at one another. The air smells the same, the threat of leaf-fall rain on the horizon, but nothing disturbs him. And it feels right, to be alone underneath the watchful eye of the moon and the stars, even if Starclan was cruel and twisted for what happened next. Bushes rustled and they parted, an all-familiar pelt stepping into the light he was basking in. They both stop to stare at one another, and he feels his muzzle pull. As if he could say something. What is there to say?

Pikestar speaks first. It gives him an excuse to listen instead of speaking. Proverbially, he was standing in the center of a bear trap, bleeding out and trapped, and Pikestar held the key to reset it. Goldenroar could gnaw off his leg, leave, break the bridge that was holding on by scraps of wood and wires, or he could wait for every bit of pain the Riverclan leader was about to serve to him.

Goldenroar deserved it.

He's expecting someone else, and he feels the blood trickle down his leg. Goldenroar ears turn backwards, as if to listen for an approaching cat, but really it took every bit of his will to not let those ears lay flat. Goldenroar doesn't speak, even if there's some bitter or cruel jealousy that flares up. Who, pray tell, was Pikestar going to meet with under the moonlight? Goldenroar's shoulders tense at the thought. Pikestar continues, however, merciless in the blows he dealt. A long time. He lifts his chin a margin, nose flaring. "... I..." He speaks, voice trembling despite the hard look in his eyes. Pikestar would be able to read him better then anyone, maybe even better then Merrystalk.

The guilt is immeasurable. The hurt is spreading, from his tongue to his tail-tip. Pikestar's words are intentional, and the bear trap sinks deeper in his leg. "... I'm sorry." Seriously, are you fucking dumb? That's all you can manage to spit out? Player, sybarite, lover-boy, stupid stupid cat. His own mind recoils against him, and his ears finally flatten, sink against his ear and betray his emotions. "You're right." His voice cracks, and he swallows, trying to wet his dry throat. "I made that choice, and I can't go back and fix it. I'm sorry." He says, forcing his voice a hint louder so it carried from where he was pinned. Goldenroar's legs refused to move.

"I was wrong. I am wrong. But you said it. There's nothing I can do." He continues, and wonders if this is really the right thing to do or say. The next words that leave him are nothing but pure instinct. Want, need, for what they had shared. "Did you wait?" He asks, and not a heartbeat later, there's regret all over his face. "No- don't answer that. I think the screaming would be easier." Goldenroar is a mess. Normally he's so, so much smoother then this. Breaking up with cats is easy, but Pikestar is the exception. He had been so close to changing himself for the other's sake, but he didn't. "You are... you have moved on, haven't you?"

The bear trap is to the bone, now. It aches. He wants to run.

_______________________ I KEEP RUNNIN' BUT ☼ I'M STANDING STILL _______________________

• "speech"
  

• 

• GOLDENROAR he/him, windclan deputy, fourty one moons.
  ☆ a lh golden red marbled tabby with low white and glimmering aqua eyes. often seen with a smirk, confidence oozing from him in heaps, but always the ever-helpful guy.
  ☆ mentored by who / mentoring dandelionpaw
  ☆ older brother to merry
  ☆ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ☆ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  
  ☆ mini by tasmagoric, ref image by dallas (yours truly!)

 

[PIKESTAR PIKESTAR]

He wasn't expecting an apology. The apology given to him doesn't make him feel any better. Seeing the tom he once loved more than anything in the whole world look so pitiful doesn't bring any sense of accomplishment. Of satisfaction. Even when Goldenroar tells him he'd been right… He still can't relish in it. All he can do is watch coldly with a snarl as more and more pitiful excuses of apologies pass from those lips. I don't want your apology. It can never erase the pain you made me go through. The only reason why you're apologizing in the first place is because I'm here. Would you have looked for me otherwise? Even to say something as stupid as an apology? After so many moons?!

The answer is no. In his heart he knows that Goldenroar would never look for him. Regardless of whether or not he believed himself to be wrong, the Windclan deputy was nothing more than a coward. The only brave thing this pitiful man has done was admit that there is nothing to be done.

Pikestar begins to turn away, seeing as there is nothing more to say to his former love. However, he stands still when asked if he waited. Slowly he tilts his head towards Goldenroar, a brow raised in disbelief. What? Green eyes narrow at a face full of regret. There's no way you just asked that. Before he can even answer, Goldenroar cuts him off. Probably for the best, since the Riverclan leader was seconds away from insulting him. Although, what his former love says makes him clench his teeth. It amuses him how the other still thought him to be calm throughout this, but he can't exactly fault the Windclanner for it. Back then, he'd been nothing but understanding. Never raising his voice. Always doing his best to explain as calmly and collectively as possible. Unfortunately, it was a skill he lost after Goldenroar had left him. Now, however? He's been working towards becoming more decisive and calm when addressing others, as the burden of leadership forced him to consider that every word that left his lips could be used against him.

"I was wrong. I am wrong. But you said it. There's nothing I can do." He continues, and wonders if this is really the right thing to do or say. The next words that leave him are nothing but pure instinct. Want, need, for what they had shared. "Did you wait?" He asks, and not a heartbeat later, there's regret all over his face. "No- don't answer that. I think the screaming would be easier." Goldenroar is a mess. Normally he's so, so much smoother then this. Breaking up with cats is easy, but Pikestar is the exception. He had been so close to changing himself for the other's sake, but he didn't. "You are... you have moved on, haven't you?"

Silence passes between the pair for a moment. "Why does this matter to you?" It's odd. They haven't seen each other in moons, yet Pikestar can tell that this means everything to Goldenroar. He may not know the exact reason, but if the silver tom left these questions unanswered it would eat at the windclan deputy. It would be so easy to make him suffer. Perhaps even more than he did all those moons ago, but I wouldn't be happy. Making him feel awful will only feel good for a short time before it'll eat at me too. A silver paw rises to his temple and rubs it as he sighs.

"Of course I waited. I believed you would come back like you promised, but I was wrong." The statement is not meant to hurt. If it hurt, then it was simply because Goldenroar couldn't handle his truths. "I went looking for you." Russetfall would be smacking him if she was here for exposing this information and he knew it. However, there was nothing to lose or gain by saying it. Green eyes bore into blue, "Until I realized you wanted to leave. I stopped looking for you. Went off exploring and found a new home." That's all he'll give Goldenroar. They are no longer close for the windclan deputy to know about his rise to leadership and personal relationships.

What was going on through Goldenroar's head was a mystery. A mystery that Pikestar had no interest in figuring out. "You're nervous." He takes a step forward, watching as Goldenroar shrinks back. "I would've thought since we aren't mates anymore you'd have an easier time asking what you want. Are you sure you really want to know if I moved on? If I'm seeing anyone? If I have a mate? Kits? A family?"

Cruel. That's what they'd call him. Pineheart would look at him in disappointment and tell him how childish he was. If Adderfang were still here he'd hiss and shove him away, thinking he'd betray Riverclan once again all over matters of the heart. However, they weren't here. It didn't matter what they thought. They didn't experience his suffering. They had no right to judge him when they didn't know anything.

Before he knew it, he already closed the distance between them. Their noses touched. "I should hate you. I really should after what you did to me, but once I realized it was you… I hated how I wanted you to hold me. How I saw you with Dustystar and that kit, imagining a future where you never left. I haven't moved on if I still have thoughts and feelings like that. I haven't seen anyone since you left either." Is that why I haven't been interested in anyone else? Is it because I wasn't over you?

𝐨𝐨𝐜 𓆩♱𓆪 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭

• PIKESTAR

  — leader of riverclan, former shipyard cat
  ♱ 41 moons — he/him — ages realistically on the 1st — mentoring iciclepaw
  ♱ speech is

  "#36D9AB"

  — thoughts are italics — attacks are underlined
  ♱ short haired silver mackerel tabby with green eyes
  ♱ peaceful & healing powerplay permitted — underline & tag when attacking
  ♱ penned by velou — kasaven on discord — open to plots & dms
  

 

[GOLDENROAR]

Why does this matter to you?

Goldenroar's ears press backwards, if not further were it possible. His shoulders sag, and he knows that everything he expected was about on par. "I don't have a good answer to that." Goldenroar speaks, and that's a lie, too. The bear trap could shatter bone were he not careful. A good answer to that? He has one. It matters because he still cares. There's an ache, a hole, in each part of his heart where some fling resided, but Pike could have taken the entire thing had Goldenroar stepped away a moment later. Pikestar rubs his temple, a signal that Goldenroar knows.

A frown twists on his face. I went looking for you. Okay, ouch. That one definitely hurts. not just that he had left, of course not. Goldenroar knew that, and while it ached, it didn't sting. That was just a truth. But the fact that Pikestar had tried to go after him? That Pikestar had spent time, love, heartache after Goldenroar left? That's what hurts the most, he thinks to himself, that the deputy wasted the time of the now-leader like that. His vision adverts for just a moment, and Pikestar takes that hesitation to advance, and Goldenroar's paws shift backwards. Ever on the defensive in situations like this. He doesn't keep fleeing, though.

He thinks, if Pikestar would really like to hurt me, he should. Goldenroar's eyes focus on the other figure approaching, works few and far between as he forces himself to form something audible. ".. That... that's your life- I don't know that I have the right..." Goldenroar says. He's not thinking of the family back home. How Merrystalk would stare at him, how Roostertuft would likely snap at him if he knew. How Sunnyspring's heart may ache if she ever found out. He hesitated, and Pikestar is within biting distance. Within distance enough for them to feel eac other's breath, their noses brushing against each other. He doesn't flinch away, but his eyes are wide, surprised.

Goldenroar wants to tell Pikestar that he isn't Dustystar's mate. He isn't anyone's mate. He's not even padding after anyone. That's not the right thing to say right now, though, and he knows that. "You're allowed to. After what I did to you, Pike, I can't imagine..." His jaw works for a moment, eyes softening. Fool. He can't help it, letting his guard down, being this close to his ex-mate. Every part of him knows that he loved Pikestar, through and through. Still does, yes. But there are borders now... do the borders matter? There's a war in his mind while his heart has already made it's decision. "... I haven't moved on, either. Truthfully. I don't... know that you'll believe me, after what I've done. I wouldn't either." Goldenroar speaks, his voice but a whisper now.

He thinks about Roostertuft, about the way he and the other had a brief fling. Nothing, compared to Pikestar. He thinks about Dustystar, about the inchworm of feelings that cropped up from nothing more but spending time together, and wonders about burning that- about burning Windclan, for Pikestar.

The bear trap weakens.

_______________________ I KEEP RUNNIN' BUT ☼ I'M STANDING STILL _______________________

• "speech"
  

• 

• GOLDENROAR he/him, windclan deputy, fourty three moons.
  ☆ a lh golden red marbled tabby with low white and glimmering aqua eyes. often seen with a smirk, confidence oozing from him in heaps, but always the ever-helpful guy.
  ☆ mentored by no one / mentoring dandelionpaw
  ☆ older brother to merrystalk and sunnyspring
  ☆ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ☆ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  
  ☆ mini by tasmagoric, ref image by laevatein (yours truly!)

 

[PIKESTAR PIKESTAR]

I should have expected as much. He really shouldn't have thought the other would answer for him, or be honest in any capacity. It was a tall order for someone who guarded their heart behind walls and walls of thorns. All he can do is listen as Goldenroar speaks. Even though the riverclanner leader is silent, it is evident that he is soaking up every word passed from Goldenroar's maw. What interests the leader most is when he is told to believe.

Believe Goldenroar?

That's what got him in this mess in the first place. He wasn't blind. There were moments in their relationship where he saw his love's eyes wander astray. Not just towards others, but somewhere beyond. There was a time, once. Where he followed that gaze to the beyond he knew in his heart that they were not looking at the same scenery.

And now? What do you see?

Was this truly love? Or was this nothing more than guilt? Perhaps both? Either way, Pikestar didn't know. The things he knew to be true was this- if Goldenroar didn't love him, the windclanner would've already pulled him into an embrace. Everything wrong between them would be shoved aside. Goldenroar would not be as sheepish as he is now. He would've ran away long ago.

A twinge of bitterness settles in his belly, as he coolly stares at them.

"I know. I never needed your permission to love another."

Just like you don't need mine.

"I'd prefer if you didn't speak about what you did to me. Whether it's out of guilt, pity, or even out of genuine care… You'll only anger me."

A clear boundary. This was not a time for his former love to push. In the past, it would've been met with some reception. However, should Goldenroar attempt to do so… He'd be met with a smack across his cheek.

"I believe you."

Pikestar draws away, creating distance between them. Green eyes note the relief(?) from Goldenroar. Ears flicking at the sound of a wavering breath. Before the WindClan deputy can say anything, he speaks up again.

"I believe that you've been with others since you left me, but you couldn't forget me."

The expression resting on Pikestar's face is not one of malice. It is one of exhaustion. One that Goldenroar would remember so well. An expression that would quickly be replaced with a smile, as his mate forgave him for whatever disagreement occurred.

Unfortunately, the RiverClan leader can't find it within his heart to smile.

"Don't. I don't need to hear who you were with or for how long. I just want to know why? Why haven't you moved on? It's always been easy for you."

His words are not meant to cut deep within Goldenroar's heart. It is meant to be taken as fact, considering both of them are well aware of a certain someone's tendency to quickly move along relationships. I wonder if you even remember what some of them looked like. I bet you forgot some of their names already.

He can't help but sigh, averting his gaze to the rustling trees.

"This takes me back,"

he murmurs. I looked at the trees just like this. I didn't think you'd left. I thought you went hunting. I only started wondering when the sun began to fall. Whatever Goldenroar was saying, if anything at all fell on deaf ears. The only thing that rang in the RiverClan leaders' ears was the sound of wailing. Wailing from a silver tom who finally realized that he was abandoned. How time and love meant nothing.

A silver paw caressed a fluffy cheek. It shouldn't have felt natural, as if he was meant to be doing this. Before his mind could put a stop to this absurdity, he's already leaned forward, kissing his mate. The sensation lingers. I'm home.

Fortunately, a loud snap of a twig brings him to reality. The paw he so tenderly stoked against Goldenroar's cheek immediately drops to his chest and pushes against it. Shit! With the proper distance between them once again he looks to his ex, clearly flustered.

"T-t-that was a mistake!"