TW: Sensitive Content Open Camp 𝙔𝙊𝙐'𝙍𝙀 𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙇 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝘾𝘼𝙉'𝙏 𝙎𝘼𝙑𝙀 𝙈𝙀 𖤐 return.

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

{$title} crowpaw returns to camp with a squirrel, but it looks like it's been through hell... and crowpaw does too.

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

The moon still hangs in the sky as Crowpaw stumbles toward camp that morning, a tailless and bloodstained squirrel hanging limp from their jaws. Their chest still yields a small trickle of blood amongst matted, sticky fur, and Crowpaw feels dizzy from how much they've lost.

He'd planned to eat the squirrel when he first saw it - to snag a quick meal amidst the cover of nighttime while no one was watching. But now, strangely, he cannot bring himself to eat it, thinking only of the sound of its ripping flesh when that WindClan apprentice had torn off its tail. The thought of eating now made his stomach turn.
So here he is, trudging into camp leaving a trail of blood behind him, walking right past the bewildered gazes of those who'd awoken at dawn. His face, usually a fixed scowl, bears a chillingly neutral expression, and his eyes seem devoid of light or feeling. He'd felt so much when he fought for this squirrel (was it really for the squirrel?), moons of bottled-up rage and fear and sorrow spilling out into every swipe of claws upon flesh. But now… now that it's over, he is left with nothing. He feels nothing at all.

Crowpaw drops the squirrel onto the remnants of the fresh-kill pile, staring down at its lifeless form, its blood-soaked fur. She wonders how similar she looks right now, small and pathetic and weak. But if she feels sorry for herself, she doesn't show it; instead, she simply turns to the cat nearest her, announcing in a quiet voice:
"Caught somethin'."

---

ooc: this is a return from this thread!! tagging @Belladonnadance but no need to wait!!

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
8 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9

 

[Belladonnadance Belladonnadance]

TW: Depictions of death, violence, gore, dismemberment

Belladonnadance had always been prone to night terrors of her own. She would wake up gasping for air, terrified that a dog had finally caught her, jaws wrapped firmly around her throat as it tore her to shreds, just like her mother and sisters had been. It was a memory that haunted her, the way her mother's delicate frame was ripped into scraps that flung themselves into the breeze like some sort of macabre confetti. Tonight was no different, it never was. She felt that familiar bile rising in her throat, threatening to make its way out of her maw. She took a deep breath, standing on shaking feet. Most of the clan was starting to stir, the warmth of the first crack of dawn beginning to shimmer into the den.

She decided it was time to get up, rather than force herself to try and get a few more winks and possibly see that horrible image again. She stretched, breathing slowly as she tried to calm herself, padding into the clearing that made up their camp. There were a few faces about, already going about their duties for the day. However, quite a few seemed fixated on something else: Crowpaw.

The small black apprentice was hers, a smaller than average apprentice that had found their way into Shadowclan by chance a few moons ago. She had not spoken to the cat much, outside the usual mentorship conversations. She was utterly unaware that her and Crowpaw were almost two souls cut from the same cloth, both healing from their own disasters that had occurred in their lives. And here he was, a wreck. Black fur stained darker by the slick dark red substance that seemed to coat their entire being, fur matted. It was hard to see injuries amidst the blood --- but it was clear that this blood may be Crowpaw's. She drops a squirrel onto the freshkill pile, it's body looking darker from the deep coating of blood that clung to the once reddish brown fur. Belladonnadance looks towards her apprentice, her expression is a deadpan stare, eyes devoid of light.

Belladonnadance has not been a mentor long, nor does she know much of Crowpaw outside of their skillset, but it is clear something happened to the apprentice. Belladonna swallows hard, padding towards the apprentice. He had turned to the cat closest to himself, announcing in a quiet voice --- one that is not proud, that he caught something.

Belladonna herself looks at the apprentice, and then quietly turns to someone nearby. "Can ya' fetch Cicadabuzz or Magpiepaw?" She mutters, padding towards her apprentice. Her tone is soft, even as she looks at the small black cat. She does not wish to frighten her further, nor does she wish to inflict some sort of punishment. Instead, she moves carefully, calculated. The same way Hellebore did when she was first apprenticed, remembering the fear after watching Shimmer be killed by those filthy rogues. Her maternal figure, gone, just as suddenly as her biological mother had been taken from her.

"Crow," She murmurs, "What did ya' get yerself into, kiddo?" She leans down, almost like a mother. Her tongue meets Crowpaw's cheek, hoping to clear up some of the dried and wet blood that is coating the apprentice.

___________________ I'M BENDING BACK INTO THE VOID 𓇗 MY EYES STARING UP INTO BLACK ___________________

• "mew"
  interacting with someone (open to whoever) and @CROWPAW.
  
• 
  

  

• BELLADONNADANCE
  Formerly known as Kazumi
  she/it, shadowclanner, sixty-seven moons.
  𓇗 a lh black smoke molly with moderate white and amber eyes
  𓇗 mentored by helleboremask / mentoring crowpaw
  𓇗 daughter of sakura and duskpool
  𓇗 peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  𓇗 penned by asteiri ↛ please dm on discord or post in #asteiris-astronomy for plots.

 

[Magpiepaw]

& I don't know what's got its TEETH in me

"Oh Crowpaw."
The dark apprentice had been fetched, the first spotted by the cat sent scurrying to gather the medicine cats and he ambled over on his lopsided steps with a pinched face and wrinkled nose; this was so much worse than when Crowpaw joined the clan, scratches and matted fur; the obvious signs of a fight on display though he could not tell if it was one-sided or not. Magpiepaw's violet eyes narrow at the distinct jagged edges of dried blood - he recognized claw marks easily enough; Flearfire kept him up to par on recognition in that regard easily enough. He glances sidelong at Belladonnadance, a cat he was not as familiar with but seemed perfectly fine in passing - the older warriors of ShadowClan were often sensible enough while the younger often prickled his pelt and made him bristle in annoyance at their boisterousness.
"Could you help me get her settled in the den?"
He pauses, thoughtful, "You can stay to help clean." It would take more than one tongue for this mess and well, mentors were often protective. It wouldn't hurt to help go over simple wound care in case this happened far from camp where he or Cicadabuzz was not available. He tilts his head to the other cat, star-spotted forward blurred with drying and matted blood and he leaned forward to lick it clean in a few quick swipes.
'There. Now StarClan can see you and hopefully grant you good luck on recovering.' Wounds like this made him nervous, so easy to get dirty and infected.

Ooc- ooc info here.

I dream in phosphorescence - Bleed through spaces

MAGPIEPAW

— medicine cat apprentice of shadowclan
— He/They
"SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
— Solid black w/low white & blue-violet eyes.
— Has 'wobbly cat' syndrome.
#9272ee

 

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw stiffens when Belladonadance's soft-spoken voice meets her ears, but she doesn't resist when her mentor licks the small apprentice's face; her hollow gaze just stares back down at the squirrel, unblinking. The gentleness of the gesture is enough to make her throat tighten; it's small, but powerful. The care behind it is akin to how her 'ma used to comfort her when she cried. And if that isn't embarrassing enough, Magpiepaw appears next. Practically the only cat her age that she could consider some type of friend. "Oh Crowpaw." Her shoulders droop when she hears the medicine apprentice's concern, and when he moves to lick her forehead clean, she can see a single tear fall upon the fur of the felled squirrel, instantly turning pink when it melts into its bloodstained pelt.

Was it worth it? Crowpaw thinks to themself numbly. The moons of effort spent pushing everyone away, trying to fight a battle of emotional anguish that no cat their age should have to face, much less alone; and now it's culminated in this - a gruesome fight against a cat that had little to do with any of it, who didn't even remember who they are, and now they're back in camp bloodied and broken. They've made the few cats that don't hate them worried about their well-being. ...Ma would be so dissappointed in me. Crowpaw trembles, and for a moment they can almost hear her voice, a muffled whisper that scolds them for their recklessness. But as soon as it had come, it disappears - just like her. By the time they finally lift their gaze to their Clanmates, their lip has begun to tremble.
"Don't... worry 'bout me." It leaves their mouth as a whisper, hoarse and uncharacteristically dejected. "Please." Just leave me. I'm a lost cause. I've done nothing but act out and cause trouble since I got here... I.... I want....

I just want to go home.

---

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
8 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9

 

[Belladonnadance Belladonnadance]

Belladonnadance feels her apprentice's body stiffen considerably as she speaks to her. Still, she feels compelled to do this. It's what Youkai --- Duskpool, did after her mother passed away. And it's what Shimmer did when she was alone and afraid in the twolegplace and the loner lands. A soft touch in an otherwise harsh reality.

Someone had done as she asked, with Magpiepaw appearing not long after her tongue met Crowpaw's head. The young medicine cat apprentice looked so much like their father, Sablestar. She had often wondered how their lineage worked, knowing that Dreampaw and Magpiepaw resided here without their mother. She wondered if they missed her, if they pined for her in the same way that Belladonnadance had always pined for Sakura's warm fur nestled against her body affectionately once again. The feeling of Shiori and Ume pressed beside her.

Magpiepaw's voice cut through her thoughts, asking her to assist Crowpaw to the medicine cat den. She obliged silently, her apprentice leaning on her bulky frame as she assisted them to the den. Crowpaw's hollow gaze remained as Belladonna gently assisted them into the nest that rested in the den for those in need. Magpiepaw instructed her to stay, to help clean her poor apprentice. It wasn't like she planned to go anywhere anyways. Fresh nightmares of Duskpool's fate had made her anxious, and seeing Crowpaw in such a state had a strange surge of maternal instincts raging through her. She needed to be here, in the same way that Shimmer had needed to be there for her despite their bloodless relationship.

Crowpaw's lip is clearly trembling at this point, a haze in their gaze before looking up at Magpie and Belladonna. "Don't... worry 'bout me." Escapes the trembling lips, afraid, defeated. It is followed by a pleading look, begging, pleading with them. Belladonna shakes her head adamantly, her tongue meeting the foul taste of copper from the dried blood that coats her apprentice.

"Sorry kiddo, no one is leavin' you like this." She murmurs. She isn't angry, nor is she disappointed. She doesn't care that Crowpaw snuck out, but she needs to know who did this to her --- and why the apprentice had felt the need to sneak out in the first place. "What did you get yerself into?"

___________________ I'M BENDING BACK INTO THE VOID 𓇗 MY EYES STARING UP INTO BLACK ___________________

• "mew"
  @CROWPAW. @Magpiepaw
  
• 
  

  

• BELLADONNADANCE
  Formerly known as Kazumi
  she/it, shadowclanner, sixty-seven moons.
  𓇗 a lh black smoke molly with moderate white and amber eyes
  𓇗 mentored by helleboremask / mentoring crowpaw
  𓇗 daughter of sakura and duskpool
  𓇗 peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  𓇗 penned by asteiri ↛ please dm on discord or post in #asteiris-astronomy for plots.

 

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw lets himself lean against Bella's larger frame as he's led to the medicine den, his brow furrowed in a look of utter defeat. His shaky legs find the nest and crumple beneath him, a small grunt escaping his tiny form as he lands unceremoniously amongst the moss-covered bedding. Instinctively he curls in on himself, his tail wrapping around him so tightly it covers his nose. Bella asks again the question Crowpaw dreads answering. "What did you get yerself into?"

How are they supposed to explain away what they've done? They can't. Not within reason. Any cat with half a brain would have left long before the situation had escalated to what it was, knowing that a single squirrel was far from worth the trouble.
"I... I was huntin'," they begin, voice shaking slightly. "I saw the squirrel, and I tried to catch it, but that... that WindClan cat. He caught it before me. And made it look so... easy. I... he already made me mad for stealin' that frog, and I... I don't know, I just... I couldn't just stand there and let it happen, I- I had to prove- I couldn't just keep on being so weak." Their claws tear slightly into the nest - not from anger toward the WindClan apprentice, but rather toward themself. Even they know, now that it's over, that they went too far. That this will have repercussions that they hadn't bothered to consider in the heat of the moment. "I know I should have left him alone... I... don't know what's wrong with me." Their voice lowers to just above a whisper, and their tail-tip is dampened by the tears that spill from their eyes. Ears flatten as they stare back up at Belladonnadance and Magpiepaw - the small apprentice is bracing themself, expecting a harsh rebuttal or punishment no doubt. A muzzle to be placed around the snapping, violent jaws of the aggressor. And Crowpaw will deserve it.

---

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
8 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9

 

[Belladonnadance Belladonnadance]

Her eyes narrow at the mention of Windclan, foxhearts, the lot of them. She knew they were supposed to play nice, Dustystar was some sort of relative of Sablestar and all. But she didn't care for them, any cats that chose to bury themselves under the soil were strange. That was for the dead, not the living. She doesn't ask who attacks first, instead she lies beside her apprentice like a mother, looking at the apprentice.

"You probably coulda' saved yourself for bein' hurt, but we're all hungry. You just had your clan in mind, and that's honourable." She meows, softly. She can see how timid her apprentice looks, afraid of punishment, of more harshness after the night she had suffered. "There's nothin' wrong with wantin' to hunt for your clan." She moves a paw towards Crowpaw, gently touching his paw with hers. "Just... maybe next time not in the middle of the night." She meows, looking at her apprentice. She can see herself in them, in a way she hadn't realized before. She had never thought about them being alone, just like she was. She wants to be what Hellebore was to her, what Shimmer was.

"I can leave ya' alone, or I can stay here kiddo, up to you." She remembers her father saying that to her the first time she cried about her mother's passing, a strange comfort. She looks towards Magpiepaw, not a question but rather an: I'm stayin' put.

___________________ I'M BENDING BACK INTO THE VOID 𓇗 MY EYES STARING UP INTO BLACK ___________________

• "mew"
  @CROWPAW. @Magpiepaw
  
• 
  
  
• BELLADONNADANCE
  Formerly known as Kazumi
  she/it, shadowclanner, sixty-seven moons.
  𓇗 a lh black smoke molly with moderate white and amber eyes
  𓇗 mentored by helleboremask / mentoring crowpaw
  𓇗 daughter of sakura and duskpool
  𓇗 peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  𓇗 penned by asteiri ↛ please dm on discord or post in #asteiris-astronomy for plots.

 

[Magpiepaw]

& I don't know what's got its TEETH in me

The black and white healer does not interrupt the talk and explanation but he listens, he listens and he grits his teeth because things would only get harder for the clan as the chill crept in deeper; soon it would nestle in their bones and their bellies and no cat would be sparred the reminder of its cruelty. Prey was already becoming hard to come by, he would not judge Crowpaw for her efforts as foolish as it was-it was a necessity for them. The moorlands' fat rabbits beckoned like a siren's call, no cat could resist it.
Magpiepaw does not miss the pointed look, only nods slowly in reply but his attention is elsewhere. "I don't mind, I could use the paws. Cicadabuzz is out at the moment and it usually does not return until late." An enigma his mentor was, constantly confusing him with bug's ways but he never questioned anything - he had no right and oftentimes it would make sense eventually. It always did. He returns back to the nest with herbs in his mouth, cobwebs and a poultice of crushed goldenrod and pulp marigold, he sets it aside to join Crowpaw in the nest to carefully work on grooming around the worst of the lacerations first; not wanting them to be dirtied beneath the patch he plans to apply - nothing was life threatening so he could take the time to do it right the first time; another lesson of Cicadabuzz's, there was no time to waste when a cat was bleeding out but smaller pain could be set aside to prepare the area.
"You did nothing wrong other than being alone, its unwise in general but I understand the thoughts. The freshkill pile is so thin, there's still kits in the nursery..."

Ooc- ooc info here.

I dream in phosphorescence - Bleed through spaces

MAGPIEPAW

— medicine cat apprentice of shadowclan
— He/They
"SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
— Solid black w/low white & blue-violet eyes.
— Has 'wobbly cat' syndrome.
#9272ee

 

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

"You just had your Clan in mind, and that's honourable."

"You did nothing wrong other than being alone."

Suddenly, it makes sense. The reason why Crowpaw is being flocked to by their friend and mentor, their small body handled gently as they're led to the medicine den…
They think… I did it for the Clan.
If Crowpaw had been reserved before about admitting that they'd been doing this for a while, sneaking out when they could to grab a quick meal behind the Clan's back, then they definitely don't want to admit it now. The pair's misplaced faith in the dark-furred apprentice is honestly so laughable that Crowpaw cries harder, their shoulders shaking with a small sob when Belladonna's paw is laid gently atop their own. They only care about me because they think I'm good. But I'm not. I'm… I'm rotten. I don't deserve them… Guilt crashes over them like a tidal wave, and Crowpaw allows themself to drown in it. That WindClan apprentice probably knows them better than the two cats sitting next to them, because he's seen what they're really like. They wonder if he, too, feels as alone as they do surrounded by his own worried Clanmates. Knowing that they only see a pretty side of him that hides the ugly underneath.

Despite these feelings, Crowpaw leans closer to Belladonnadance, desperately seeking out anything that might resemble the comfort that his 'ma was once able to give him.
"Stay," he gasps between muffled cries. "Please." He hides his face as soon as he says it, shame rising in the form of bile in his throat that he barely manages to push back down. What a selfish creature he is, to be so deceptive and greedy toward the few who care enough to deal with him. Thoughts and emotions overwhelm him, too much to fit in his small, shaking body. When did I get so selfish? Why am I like this? How am I going to make up for what I've done…? But he dares not ask these things aloud. Not yet. Maybe not ever - Crowpaw has already put their Clanmates through enough. Instead, there is only two repeated words that escape them.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"

---

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
8 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9