Private Happily wondering, night after night || Amethyst & Crow

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Amethystpaw

Then who's the one protecting you?
ShadowClan
33
3
Freshkill
10
Nickname
Amethyst
Pronouns
He/they
Profile
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Moons
7 moons [01.06.2025]
Played by
Howee
AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ IS THIS HOW IT WORKS? AM I DOING IT RIGHT?
meow
Amethystpaw lays in his nest, dreams as strange as ever. No one really talks about their dreams, no one really tells him how they should or should not be, though he has his suspicions. Dreams of different lands, of fear and joy the same, flying in the sky and swimming in the lakes. It is as if Amethystpaw is in multiple places at the same time - it's strange, yet it feels right.

Tonight, however, Amethystpaw's rest gets cut short by someone close to him leaving. The apprentice has gotten used to cats shuffling out during the night and it usually doesn't wake him up, but this time is different - tonight, someone practically ran out of the den in panic, moss scattered everywhere around the occupant's nest. Amethystpaw looks around with bleary eyes, before he realises just who it is that's missing in their nest - Crowpaw. The older apprentice's den is still warm, they couldn't have gotten far.

On tired paws, Amethystpaw leaves the warmth of his own nest and walks outside. How will I find him in this darkness? he thinks of Crowpaw's dark coat. His sight will not help him tonight. Instead, Amethystpaw lifts his nose, opens his mouth slightly and breathes in the cold air, letting the scents wash over his tongue. Not much goes on during the night - a few warriors go out to hunt, an ocassional patrol happens on rare days, but mainly, most everyone stays tucked in their own nest, warming themselves within their den. Crowpaw's scent is easily identifiable, unmistakable to Amethystpaw.

He follows it outside of the camp, eyes fully alert now - what has prompted the apprentice to leave camp so suddenly? Amethystpaw doesn't have to go far to catch the ragged, panicked breaths of his friend. "Crowpaw?" he whispers into the night, hoping she can hear him. "Are you okay?"
✧ OOC:
@CROWPAW. takes place after this thread
 
CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw's mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, and their claws are still digging into the earth with a relentless grip as Amethystpaw approaches. Am I dangerous? Can I really trust myself? Am I a lost cause? They don't like these unrelenting thoughts, and that's putting it lightly - they'd only just come to realize that they have friends here in ShadowClan, cats who care about them and want them to get better, and now…

"...Crowpaw? Are you okay?"

Crowpaw's tear-filled eyes widen, and his head whips around to meet Amethystpaw's gaze with one of fear, pressed close to the ground as if he's nothing more than a terrified kitten again. Of course. Of course, of all the cats who could have heard him leave, who could have followed him out here… This has to be StarClan's way of punishing me… or maybe some kind of cruel joke at my expense.

The small apprentice turns back away just as soon as she'd turned in Amethystpaw's direction, hiding her face in shame. Her shoulders tremble as she stifles a sob, trying to gain enough composure to speak.
"I… I'm sorry. I didn't want you t'see me. N-not like… this." Her voice comes out whiny and pathetic, not at all like the silver-tongued hothead she usually is. It leaves Crowpaw feeling disgusted with herself for being so openly vulnerable in front of another, even though she can't help it.
"You can - sniff - jus' go back to sleep. Don't bother wastin' your time on me." Even in this state, she's as stubborn as ever…


"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
9 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF
#9275B9
 
๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚
meow
Amethystpaw watches the hunched form of his friend turn towards him, pure terror reflecting in their trembling features. "H..hey, what's wrong Crowpaw?" Amethystpaw asks, unsure of how to comfort a cat he barely knows enough about - sure, he calls them a friend, but they've barely spoken about personal things, only ever touching up on training and light-hearted topics.

Crowpaw's voice breaks a little and Amethystpaw can't help but feel their heart squeezing in sympathy for the older apprentice. Whatever had made Crowpaw feel this way, it must have been real bad, for him to let go of his usual tough facade. But the young apprentice doesn't know how to comfort another, he barely knows how to comfort himself and whatever affection gets shown around ShadowClan, Amethystpaw feels it comes with a condition. Nothing in ShadowClan is freely given, everything needs to be earned, so how does he show Crowpaw that he's there with him and doesn't expect anything in return?

Instead, the small cat only stands frozen, tail curled around his hind leg, unable to show any comfort or affection. "I..." Amethystpaw speaks finally. "I don't need to go back to sleep." It's not exactly a lie, for the apprentice is fully awake at this point, though it would of course be nice to curl up in his nest again. Just not... not without Crowpaw. "Or, I mean, if you want me to leave, I will. I just.. I meant that I don't mind staying. I don't want to leave you here alone." I don't want to go back home alone.

Amethystpaw has been feeling more and more lonely each day, with no siblings to cuddle with, no peers his age. Crowpaw is the first friend he had made and, though he wouldn't show it, had clung onto her like a lost child. Though right now, it feels like she's slipping away from him and he has no idea why nor what he can do about it. All he can do is pray he will not mess this up.
✧ OOC:
n/a
 
CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Mud clings to Crowpaw's claws as she pulls chunks of the earth up, her fangs bared in a snarl as she gets ready to snap at Amethystpaw - to scream "just go!!" - but… she can't. Not after Amethystpaw says that he doesn't want to leave her alone. Crowpaw's heart sinks, lip trembling, and her shoulders slump to match. Slowly but surely, she settles into a sitting position, though her tail remains tightly wrapped around herself. She refuses to look at Amethystpaw when she speaks again, the image of his snow-white chest fluff stained scarlet still burning in her mind.

"Why are you bein' nice to me?" they ask quietly. "I'm… I'm a danger to everyone here… even you." Their stomach churns as the last part leaves their mouth. They don't want to admit it, and they definitely don't want Amethystpaw to be afraid of them… but wouldn't it be for the best that way?
"I just… I don't…" They sniffle. "I don't wanna get you hurt… I'm… afraid. I'm afraid I'll hurt you and I won't even realize 'till it's too late. That's all I'm good for, is hurtin' others. Causin' pain." Especially for themself. Tears fall slowly from their face to the ground, the sound of it barely audible even in the deathly silence between words.


"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
9 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF
#9275B9
 
๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚
meow
Something in Crowpaw's stature changes, makes Amethystpaw's heart beat even faster. There is warmth rising up inside of him, yet coldness grips him. The two tones clash in his mismatched eyes and Amethystpaw lowers his ears instinctively, almost defensively. Though what he's more afraid of is the whirlwind inside of him rather than Crowpaw themself.

Why are you being nice to me?

That's a question that confuses Amethystpaw the most out of everything happening tonight. "Why... why wouldn't I be? You..." Amethystpaw raises his eyes towards the other apprentice. "You're my friend." Doubt creeps in on him from all sides. Crowpaw's my friend, right? Right?

But Crowpaw doesn't talk about their friendship, instead speaks of being afraid of hurting him. "I.. Crowpaw, I'm fine. I can take care of myself." They lick their lips that have gone dry since leaving the apprentice's den, cold of the night enveloping the pair. "Why would you hurt me? Everything's fine, I'm fine. You're fine. Are you fine?"

Amethystpaw doesn't want Crowpaw to leave. You leaving me would hurt me, Crowpaw. Please don't leave me. But these words never leave the apprentice's maw, too afraid to say them out loud. Too scared of looking too dependant, too attached, too desperate for friendship. But... but he is.
✧ OOC:
n/a
 
CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

//tw for survivor's guilt and mild suicidal ideation at the end of the post

Crowpaw can't help the anger that coils in his gut at Amethystpaw's words. Of course… he doesn't get it. No one does. When the other apprentice mentions their friendship, Crowpaw sighs.
That's the problem. Of course you're my friend - that's why I'm afraid... But to what really shouldn't be Crowpaw's surprise, Amethystpaw thinks everything is fine. That Crowpaw is fine. Do I really need to spell it out for him??

When she finally meets Amethystpaw's gaze, her eyes have some emotion she herself can't pinpoint behind them; some mix of anger, fear, and sadness. "You just don't understand, Amethystpaw!" She tries desperately to bite her tongue, to explain calmly, but what's the point? Amethystpaw is safer away from Crowpaw. She needs to give him a reason to keep his distance.
"I'm not fine!! I'll never be fine!! There's something wrong with me and I always end up hurting everyone!! It's not just the WindClan apprentice… I… I made Belladonnadance worry about me when she was already dealin' with so much… I made Magpiepaw waste precious herbs - herbs he needs for Cicadabuzz's injuries. Even-" her voice cracks slightly- "Even my 'ma… I… if I hadn't been so reckless and weak… maybe I coulda done somethin'." A shudder flies down her spine. "I had a nightmare that you died, Amethystpaw. That I was the one who killed you, and I didn't realize 'till you were already... If I hurt you, I'd - I'd never forgive myself! I can't trust myself not to, so how could you possibly trust me!? I'm just a violent, burdensome problem child!! A dog who never thinks before it bites!!" Crowpaw crumples in on herself, laying on the ground before Amethystpaw and hiding her face with her forepaws as she sobs. "It… It shoulda been me… when the coyotes came, I shoulda been the one who…" she trails off into a fit of sniffles and cries. What did 'ma ever see in me? Why did she save me and let me become what I am now…? I should just disappear… Everyone would be happier if I just…


"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
9 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF
#9275B9
 
Last edited:
๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚
meow
Amethystpaw knows he's saying the wrong things, but how does he figure out the right ones? Nobody had taught him how to deal with pain - this is not the sort of pain Magpiepaw can fix, it is not the sort of wound Amethystpaw can look at and lick clean.

"Then help me understand!" the apprentice defends, tears threatening to pour out of his violet eye. Their words echo throughout the wildlerness, if there's any clanmates out there, or stars forbid a predator, they have just given up their position. But Amethystpaw doesn't care, all he cares about is right in front of him, trembling and scared and all alone. "Please, Crowpaw... I just.. I want to help."

Crowpaw is hurting so much, that much is clear to Amethystpaw, the apprentice talking about all the things she considers her failures, but Amethystpaw can't see it that way. If there's something wrong with Crowpaw, there's definitely something wrong with Amethystpaw too, but he's fine. Everything.. everything is fine. As long as he tells himself this, it will be so. Why can't Crowpaw see this too?

Their next words make Amethystpaw's thoughts stop in a halt. "A nightmare?" he whispers. All this over a nightmare? "Crowpaw... I..- I know dreams can seem real, but.." he tries to choose his words carefully, but.. but a dream? "You're not violent, you're not burdensome. You're my friend! I don't care what strange dreams you get, they're only that - dreams!" If Amethystpaw tried to analyze every one of his strange dreams, he would never get anything done. "It's.. it's only a dream Crowpaw. It doesn't change how I feel about you. And it.. it shouldn't change how you feel about me either..."

He takes a step closer, in an attempt to nuzzle his friend, to reassure him he's there with him. He takes a step closer towards his friend, who he trusts unconditionally and needs to show him that.

He takes a step closer.
✧ OOC:
n/a
 
CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

"Only a dream…?" Crowpaw mutters. When they finally move their forepaws, they are glaring up at the other apprentice. What will it take to get Amethystpaw to get it? Does Crowpaw really have to say it - to scream at him to stay away? Something ugly blooms within them as Amethyst takes a step forward, then another. "Don't," they say, though they're unsure if it's directed toward Amethyst or themself…

"You… you didn't see what I did to that WindClan apprentice. The scars that will mark him for the rest of his life. If I can do that to someone three times my size, then - then what the hell makes you think I can't tear into you!?" His fangs flash in the moonlight as the question leaves his mouth, although it's posed more as an accusation. "You don't know me! You don't know what I'm capable of!! If you're so confident you can take care of yourself, then why don't you prove it!? Right here, right now!! Come on!!"
That's all the warning that Crowpaw gives before he springs forward, launching his body into Amethyst headfirst with his claws unsheathed. Tears fall from his eyes even now, streaking down his face as he slams his paws into Amethyst's chest and holds him down by the shoulders as they both tumble to the ground, the tips of his claws digging into tufts of black-and-white fur. "What are you waiting for!? Fight back!! Defend yourself!! HIT ME!!" he screams, but his voice is strained, only narrowly choking back a sob.


"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
9 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF
#9275B9
 
๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚
meow
But Amethystpaw doesn't get a chance to touch his cheek with Crowpaw's, doesn't get a chance to comfort his friend. He stops when ordered to, though he wishes he did not have to. He wishes Crowpaw trusted herself as much as Amethystpaw trusts her.

"Because I'm not your enemy! I'm your friend! I trust you!" Amethystpaw argues, though there's nothing stopping the tears streaming down his cheeks. He's a little baby again, lost and confused, relying on others to not hurt him. But this time he trusts them unconditionally.

Yet that doesn't stop the apprentice from slamming into him with full force, stealing the breath out of the younger cat's lungs. "I. Will. NOT!" he shouts between ragged breaths. "You won't hurt me!" he convinces Crowpaw as well as himself, his body protesting only slightly, fully exposed for the other to strike. To kill if they so desired.

Amethystpaw does not want to die. He wants to live, to laugh, to learn and grow up. He wants to share food with his friend. He wants to share nests with them. He wants to...

"You won't hurt me..." Amethystpaw pleads, though he still does not fight back, does not unsheath his own claws. "You're my friend and I care about you and you care about me and.. and you won't hurt me! Because I love you!"
✧ OOC:
n/a
 
CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw trembles, her claws digging deeper into Amethystpaw's shoulders until they finally break the skin. Her breaths are ragged and uneven, staring only at Amethystpaw's exposed neck. Remembering what she saw. The flash of teeth. The spill of blood. Amethyst's paws twitching as the life faded from his eyes.

"...You won't hurt me! Because I love you!"

Crowpaw flinches as if Amethyst had actually smacked them across the face. Their claws sheathe quickly in their shock, though they remain in place as their mind begins to spin.
"You… what?"
What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Does he really… have a crush on me, or somethin'?
Crowpaw can't help but scoff to themself. Surely that's not the case - surely, Amethyst is saying it to throw them off so they won't rip his throat out right now.
"If that's true, then you're a fool. You…" They lift a paw, frowning at the blood that's begun beading where claws had dug into flesh. Sorrow fills their eyes along with the tears. "You deserve much better than a monster like me."

Crowpaw steps back, hanging his head in shame as he distances himself from Amethystpaw. "I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have - I just couldn't stop - I -" He bites back another sob. "I just need to be alone! Please! Don't… don't follow me this time!!" Before Amethystpaw can say anything - before Crowpaw can be torn apart by the pity and heartbreak in the other's mismatched gaze - he runs away, like the coward he is. Even though he swore he'd never run again.
Pathetic.


"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
9 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF
#9275B9
 
๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚
meow
Amethystpaw did not fight back. Amethystpaw trusted Crowpaw not to hurt him. Now where has that gotten him?

The apprentice lays on the ground as blood drips onto the snow, the wound on his shoulder stinging. For a while, he is silent, letting Crowpaw walk away by themself, then, when he hopes the apprentice is out of earshot, Amethystpaw finally breathes out. Except it's not an exhale, but a full avalanche of sobs, too heavy for the young cat to contain. Salty water mixes with the blood as the tortoiseshell curls tightly around himself, too weak to get up just yet.

Why did he think this would work? His one friend... the only friend he's made through his time in ShadowClan - which was his whole life - and he had to mess that up as well. All the loneliness Amethystpaw had been bottling up pours out of him, the longing for having a family, having peers, having friends. He seems to have none - and the one connection he thought he could have, with his mentor... even that seems impossible to the apprentice. Every little mistake that he makes is frowned upon, is criticised, as if he wasn't allowed to mess up in his learning.

He had made one friend. He had met Crowpaw, but now... now he has messed that up too. Why did he have to say it? He knows it to be true, he does love Crowpaw, but... but he didn't have to say it out loud. Not to Crowpaw. He loves them of course, he loves Grayflight, he even loves Blacktree, even if she won't ever truly love him as his own, but why does it seem like no one ever loves him back?

He knows Grayflight loves him, that's his uncle after all, but... but it's just Grayflight. It's not Crowpaw, it's not Blacktree, it's not Jadethorn.

It's just... being in ShadowClan is so exhausting, the apprentice realises with a startle. No matter how hard he tries, it's never enough. Why is it never enough? Why is he never enough? Is he destined to feel this way - broken, wrong, out of place? He knows there's something wrong with him, with the things he feels sometimes, with the way he reacts. But he thought.. he thought.. Ah, nevermind. He thought wrong...

On shaky legs, Amethystpaw stands up and walks into the night - not towards camp, but away from it. Where to, even he does not know.
✧ OOC:
n/a
 
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