Private Backwritten Camp HOW HAS SUCH A BITTER PERSON BECOME THE MAN I AM? // amethystpaw

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw is miserable.
It's been days since the... incident. Multiple nights of Crowpaw sleeping next to an empty nest. Amethystpaw is really doing anything he can to avoid the dark-furred apprentice, it seems, but can they blame him? They attacked him when all he wanted was to help. All he wanted was to help. Crowpaw feels sick every time the scene replays in their head.
They're restless as time drags on. The days feel like moons, slow and brutal. Maybe I should leave. Just run away and never come back. But what would Magpiepaw think? Or Belladonnadance, his mentor who watches over him like a mother would her child? He can't make them worry. And Crowpaw promised himself... he promised he wouldn't run away again. He must stand his ground.

When Amethystpaw finally returns to the apprentice den, Crowpaw feels gutted when he sees that the other apprentice's nest has moved. The space next to his nest now lays bare where his friend once settled in next to him. His friend's (are they still friends?) back turned to him as he breathes slowly... The silence is suffocating. He knows he needs to apologize, but... somehow, he knows it will end with Amethystpaw hating him. Assuming he doesn't already hate him.

The next day is just as long as the last. Crowpaw is visibly tired; her paws drag along the floor of camp, but nevertheless she approaches Amethystpaw as the sun begins to sink below the horizon. She doesn't want to spend another night wondering - can't spend another night wondering if this can ever be fixed. She just hopes he'll let her down easy... even though she doesn't deserve it.
"U-um... hey, Amethystpaw." She can't bear to look him in the eye. "I... can we talk? A-alone...?"

---

// @Amethystpaw

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
10 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9

 

[AmethystpawAmethystpaw's icon]

๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚

meow

Amethystpaw has eventually returned back to sleeping in camp, sleeping in the apprentice's den. It isn't that he really wanted to, but Timberfrost had convinced him. And if Amethystpaw has to stay in the apprentice's den, he's not going to sleep so close to Crowpaw. Not so close their bodies can touch. So close they can feel each others' breaths. So close they can share body heat. So close one's claws can pierce the other's flesh.

No, Amethystpaw moved their nest further from Crowpaw's - they tell themself they're not really scared, just hurt, but the thought of sleeping unsuspecting next to Crowpaw after what she's done... Amethystpaw feels their paws tremble and their breath catch in their lungs. No.. they won't let Crowpaw hurt them again.

Yet as they start drifting off to sleep, Amethystpaw hears someone approach. Their eye opens and they lift their head, turning it around to see who it is - but at the sight of Crowpaw, Amethystpaw visibly flinches, without meaning to, their heart skipping a beat. The apprentice's eyes widen and he turns around wholly, to make sure he can defend himself properly if he needs to. "W..why?" he asks. "So you can flash your claws at me again?"

His words are cruel, meant to pierce at the softest part of Crowpaw, yet they come from a place of truth. Amethystpaw wants to believe the other wouldn't do anything like that again, not looking the way they are now, but he had trusted them before as well. And he was wrong. So maybe Amethystpaw needs to be more careful with who he trusts now and that starts with Crowpaw.

✧ OOC:

n/a

 

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw expects him to lash out, and it's not his words that hurt her the most. It's the way he flinches when he sees that it's her. Her eyes sting with the threat of tears, but she swallows thickly and forces them back as she stares down at her paws. She wants to tear her claws into the ground so badly, but she resists. A show of claws is the last thing she should be doing right now, so instead she presses her ears flat against her head, her whiskers angled back and her tail tucked between her legs. A show of weakness that she knows to be true - she is weak, not physically but emotionally.

This was a bad idea. I should leave. I should- but they stop themself. They can't run away. They can't.
"N-no, I... I wanted... to apologize. Even if you don't forgive me... I just... I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Their voice trembles when they speak. As if they were the one who was hurt. But they weren't. And this isn't about them. And the guilt is suffocating, wrapping around their neck and squeezing the breath right out of them.
"I know me bein' sorry doesn't change anything... and... and if you just want me to leave you alone - if - if you want me to never speak to you again, then..." They quickly swipe a tear from their eye that threatens to fall to the ground, turning away from Amethystpaw as they do. "...Then I won't." It's as if they can hear their heart screaming in protest, but at the same time there is another part of them that begs Amethystpaw to tell them exactly what they least want to hear. Just say it. Just say that you hate me now and get it over with. And when he does, Crowpaw can run away like they always do. Away from their problems. Away from the consequences of their own actions. But never away from themself.

---

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
10 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9

 

[AmethystpawAmethystpaw's icon]

๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚

meow

The tortoiseshell apprentice instantly feels bad for the way they are acting. Sure, Crowpaw had hurt them, but that doesn't give them the right to hurt him back. They must be better than this, right?

Amethystpaw feels his ears burn at Crowpaw's apologetic words, way too aware of the other apprentices in the den, most of them not asleep, or not asleep anymore. The apprentice hates the way this conversation is making him feel, but he hates even more the fact that everyone can hear them. A few words more, a tear shed, and Amethystpaw will never hear the end of it - and he already dreads being around his peers.

Instead, the apprentice stands up, whisking his tail, and simply says, "Well, come on then." before walking past Crowpaw and leaving the den to get to a more private spot, without checking if the other is following behind him.

He leads them outside camp, but not too far, just far enough from any prying eyes and curious ears. As he walks, he says nothing, for what is there to say? The apology that he was given might have been genuine, but was it really an apology for Amethystpaw? Or was Crowpaw simply trying to make themselves feel better? As he sits down, he finally speaks as he sighs. "How am I meant to believe you're truly sorry, Crowpaw?" His eyes stare at the dark apprentice, but he doesn't meet their gaze, instead he only stares at their chest. "You hurt me, you attacked me and for what? For having a nightmare?"

Amethystpaw shakes his head. "How am I meant to trust that the next time you have a dream of killing me, you won't do it?"

✧ OOC:

n/a

 

[CROWPAW.'s icon CROWPAW. CROWPAW.]

CROWPAW | SHADOWCLAN
"WHEN ALL THE HATE BURNS OFF, I'M LEFT HERE WITH THE PAIN"

.

Crowpaw is expecting the other apprentice to tell them off, or even just shut it all down with a simple "so don't speak to me, then". But instead, they find themself padding after Amethystpaw into the outskirts of camp, their stomach churning as anxiety bubbles up in their chest like never before. They sit. They listen. Amethystpaw wants an explanation - no, he deserves an explanation.
Crowpaw has to say the quiet parts out loud.

He shudders as he takes a breath inward - doesn't care about the tears in his eyes now that he is out of camp - and when he finally speaks, he does his best not to stutter as silver eyes look anywhere but at Amethystpaw.
"The nightmare I had... I... when you followed me out, it was all I could see when I looked at you. You layin' there. Bleedin'. Dying. And I know it was just a dream - I know it was - but..." They huff, their brow furrowing in frustration as their brain scrambles to find the words to explain how they feel. "Sometimes... sometimes I get this feelin' that I can't stop. Like everyone's tryin' to hurt me. It makes me wanna tear into somethin'. To... to strike first before they get a chance to swing at me. And it's terrifying. I'm... scared of myself. I didn't think I'd hurt anyone I care about, but when I woke up from that nightmare, I wasn't so sure anymore. I thought maybe... m-maybe if-" They sniffle. "Maybe if I pushed you away, like I push everyone else away... maybe I could protect you from myself. You've been nothin' but kind to me even though I'm... me. I just want you to be happy, and... I'm scared... I feel like you could never be happy havin' to deal with what I'm really like." Crowpaw's tail is curled tightly around himself, and he dares to steal a glance at the other - but it's momentary, and he glances back away just as quickly. "I don't know how to stop myself from ruinin' everythin' that's good in my life. You just wanted to help me, and I... I... I'm so sorry, Amethystpaw. You sh-shouldn't love me. I don't deserve it." She tries to catch her breath as she quietly cries, her scar-riddled chest heaving with the effort. She won't let herself give in to panic. Not again. Not after what happened last time.

---

"BEHIND OUR VAIN DEVICES, ARE WE ALL THE SAME?"

CROWPAW
SHADOWCLAN APPRENTICE
10 MOONS
SHE/HE/THEY
"SPEECH" | THOUGHTS | ACTION
#E0D4EF #9275B9

 

[AmethystpawAmethystpaw's icon]

๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚ AMETHYSTPAW ๋࣭ ⭑✶⋆.˚

meow

Crowpaw's tears hurt more than claws ever could - despite everything that's happened between them, Amethystpaw can't help but still care. Can't help but still love. They shift their weight uncomfortably, but don't close the distance between the two of them. They're not ready for that just yet.

Amethystpaw raises his leg, wanting to place a comforting paw at Crowpaw's shoulder, but places it back down. "Happy? I was happy, I was the happiest I've ever been, before you hurt me." It wasn't a lie, Crowpaw was finally someone who didn't mind Amethystpaw's presence, someone who enjoyed being with him. "In a clan full of cats that never see me, you were the one who did." Amethystpaw takes a step forward, to close the distance between the two, to try and mend the chasm stretching on between them. Maybe they could go back to what they were, before. Maybe everything could be okay again.

And yet when Crowpaw speaks of love, Amethystpaw can't help but bristle defensively. "Shouldn't love you?" they spit out, shocked. "Why does everyone want to tell me what I should and shouldn't feel?" He takes a step back, eyes wide with the weight of everything crumbling down on him. "Why is it that I love so much and it's all for nothing? I love Blacktree yet she cares not beyond keeping me alive. I love you, yet you act like I'm wrong for doing so!" Despite what Timberfrost had told him, Amethystpaw can't stop the desperation from leaving his tongue. "I love ShadowClan, yet it feels like ShadowClan doesn't even want me!" The other apprentices, the caregivers, his mentor, her children. Sablestar. Their disappointed eyes glare at him from the corner of his vision and there's nothing he can do to stop them.

"I thought at least someone cared about me, I thought you did." Amethystpaw doesn't cry, there's no more tears for him to shed anymore. They simply hang their head low in defeat. "And yet you tell me I shouldn't love you. And yet I do."

For a moment it's silent in the forest, safe for the exhausted breaths of the two apprentices. Then, Amethystpaw speaks, barely above a whisper. "So why am I even here, if no one wants me here?"

✧ OOC:

n/a