Private Backwritten I CAN'T RESIST ; juniper

[serpentberry]

[ timed first week of junisable kitten life #swag ]

Her kits sleep as if this is their den, as if the walls are not braided with bark and moss and instead are still stone and littered with herbs. The difference does not bother them as much as she had worried, it seems. Even in her yelps of selflessness, Serpentberry knows that she would not be here if her children were unhappy. It is they who control her, who mastermind her movement, not the other way around. Juniperstar will understand that... in days, maybe, or moons perhaps. One day she will realize that those who hold the pieces to her heart will do all they can with the freedom... Or, maybe, that is a lesson Serpentberry has learned, whereas Juniperstar has known it all along.

"Eat," the molly nudges the cooling prey closer to her friend, her limbs aching with how long she's rested beside the other. She does her rounds when her kits are awake, toting the lot of them around like a train of ants. But with them asleep, she is more or less stuck... if stuck could be said with brevity and kindness. As much as her body hurts and wants to move, her mind is at peace here beside her friend, knowing that her leader isn't alone. She cannot fathom the pain the other suffers, refuses to even consider it. To consider if Rattlekit, or Thistlekit, or Leafkit...

No; she cannot. They are alive and breathing and the stars themselves would have to wretch that from her paws. Blood from the gods that govern them will spill long before they have the chance to reach the earth beneath them. She stands witness to her own unspoken ferocity, eyes the spirits that waver and leave, that cloud the corners of her gaze with startling unsettlingness. She does not let Juniperstar know of this gift and how it both fills her with frustration but also understanding. Juniperstar doesn't need to know that her kit is not visiting her today.

"If you do not eat, Juni..." she starts with a building threat, but it falls from her tongue uncermoniously. Her teeth click together and she moves closer, drawing her tongue over the other's ear. "Please. Just eat."

 

[juniperstar]

juniper

if she just kept curled up close... if she didn't move a muscle... didn't breathe, didn't even close her eyes for a moment... fearful of waking them. fearful of ruining what sweet dreams they might be having, unaware of the missing, not cognizant of a father who was not there to greet them or share in her grief. there are more than just hers that must confront opening their ears without their sire present, that will take their first steps away from his warm smile. Juniperstar doesn't want to wake them either... nestled up as near as they dare, tangled amongst themselves in a pile of cuddling babes.

the hushed demand that creeps towards her ears is one she sorely wishes to swat away. it is said only with the best intentions but what appetite is there to be found in this quiet...? in this sinking feeling, as if a stone has been rolled atop her chest and pinned her here in this nest. never to move. to cling to them like fragile glass statuettes. her brows furrow, listening with flattened ears to the sharpness of fangs clinking against each other with a nagging sense of demand. it isn't a request... and for that she wants nothing to do with it all the more. what else was there to control but these tiny things? when she could not promise their tomorrows... she could choose this.

there is a moment of somber silence. then the warm press of chocolate fur melting amongst sunlight and shadow and the grazing affection of a friend who is afraid. afraid of what reality she must delicately balance that will not tip the scales too far. that her tone must be cautious... and kind... and firm. her tongue is gentle, careful... it hides the depth of an infectious friendship... one that festered under the pressure of their circumstances, had rotted along the edges where it hadn't been properly cleaned and nurtured. her touch inspires an ache... one that grabs at her like a mouse squeezed between claw-cage paws. to admit how much that little act of affection eases a bleeding wound, stems the flow of blood for just a moment, lightens the weight on shuddering shoulders.

all she can think to speak are apologies... hundreds of them, overwhelming in thought as they would be in speech. who they belong to number too many... and yet, none at all. it was not her teeth that had drawn blood, not her claws that had left holes in other's lives. her head tilts into the fleeing tenderness, begging for it not to leave... a soul sore for the reassurance. almost forlornly her attention slides towards the prey, mouth dry with such lacking interest... "Please."

the spotted cat relents under such velvety plea, sinking her teeth in with a heavy feeling of automation... like this is all just carefully orchestrated, devoid of life or intention. at this point, was it not just for them...? to keep what she still had and hope? it slides down her throat like it is made of stone, sticking and uncomfortable, even as it takes the edge off a grumbling belly. when had she grown hungry...? "I'm sorry," she whispers hoarsely, "I just.... forgot..." time felt flimsy, unbalanced when hours went spent just staring at them. listening to them fuss amongst themselves, waiting only for the approaching paw-steps of Serpentberry and her sprouts to come curl up close and rest too. "How does time keep.... going?" how many days spent cowering over tiny scraps of fur, fearing they will leave too. her eyes drift tiredly towards Thistlekit... curled so tightly against Leafkit... plastered peacefully along Rattlekit's flank... they too had grown so suddenly... "They don't stop either..."

──✩°｡⋆⸜ ✮

• juniperstar leader of thunderclan nine lives remain

  ignore me

 

[serpentberry]

Serpentberry does not recognize the ache in her chest. She calls it something foolish - like holding her breath for slightly too long, while she waits for Juniperstar to act. But the ache persists after a sigh of relief, its existence reminded to her with every beat of her heart. The molly finally accepts the meal but eats as if her jaws are pried open with claws. It is so clearly something she does not wish to do, but only does so because of her friend's begging. Serpentberry cannot feel the surge of power over Juniperstar, not like she usually does. The ache of her chest forbids it.

She cannot lean any closer to the other, their fur already mixed with shades of silver and chocolate. But Serpentberry makes an effort still, her relentless tail swooping to rest atop the other's dull, plumed one. It is not the effortless action she afforded Hawthorne again and again - for he was constantly at the ready for her thievery. Juniper is breaking, shattered and what's left of her is barely held together, by sap and Serpentberry's frustrations. The medicine cat wonders if StarClan could have a paw in this grief - if they could use some starmade medicine and simply... assuage the hurt Juniper has. (And if they could - why couldn't they give it to her, too? It's a rabbit hole of a thought that is ignored.)

An apology on slow, uncertain lips. Serpentberry makes an audible tutting noise, as for though she adores the fealty in an apology, she detests where this one is born. An empty stomach and broken heart, a mind that can likely only replay the worst moments again, and again, and again. Serpentberry says, "It's okay," because this is not an argument either of them can shoulder right now. Perhaps in moons, when her friend is stronger, she can harbor this old wound of sorts and wield it in a game of wits. For now, she leaves the other in the safety of her wallowing. In the safety of this den, with her watching over, and many more dwelling in camp. She'll push Juniperstar to do more when she seems ready too... or when Serpentberry herself has grown frustrated with being stationary.

Forgetting is dismissed with a slight nod. This era of life was not that long ago for Serpent. And though she can not claim the same heavy, broken heart, she can assume what some of it feels like. Perhaps they are incomparable - perhaps they've become halves of a new, tattered whole. She doesn't dwell yet again. Juniper speaks more, and her friend listens, for what else is she to do in this den? Suffer in their silence for more ticks of her anxious, rooted tail? Time, time is a flimsy thing. "It doesn't care to wait for us, Juni," she murmurs simply. Her tone is even, but not heartless. She doesn't see a point in commiserating all the way down to inflection. "Time... Maybe he's no better than a racing wolf who's only direction is forward." Or maybe it's a fluttering songbird who must be caught for more time - longer beats and longer moments. What do they know?

"Rattlekit's starting to talk," she muses, injecting pride to her even tone. "It's little more than kitten babbles, but it's something. I'm sure Leafkit and Thistlekit... they won't be far behind..." She speaks as a testament that yes, kits do not stop growing to wait. She does not need to lament about how Hawthorne should be down here with them, with a star upon his name, and able to watch his Clan bloom and his kits grow. She does not express that sometimes, she feels she sees him in the corners of her eyes, watching still. Her friend's mind is still so fragile, she does not tempt breaking it. Again, she leans her muzzle close, simply resting a cheek to a cheek.

"I'm sorry... It is hard. No heavens could have prepared you," to lose a partner and then a child... Again, her mind clips itself, unwilling to think of any of her children as lost. "But I'm here. That won't be enough," a small sense of humility, her ears craning away, "but it's a start." It seems that everything now is 'a start' but she does not murmur so with a cruel discomfort. She remains steady and warm for her friend. She detests the idea of being anything else.