Good. He was in no mood to debate. Even if a debate would distract him from his woes, he had little control of his tongue. It was hard enough to follow Galepaw's words without rising to his paws and chasing the apprentice out of the medicine cat den. However, Galepaw takes his silence as a cue to place a paw on a fragile rope. It groans due to strain, but doesn't snap. No, not yet. For once, the child before him is afraid. A boy who always trailed behind him. A boy who took no care in his discomfort. A boy who would always stare at him with those deep blue eyes. Eyes that forever reminded him of the abyss.
The very abyss that he flailed about uselessly. An abyss that wouldn't allow him to scream. Not without punishment that is. He recalled opening his maw to yowl for anyone or anything to hear his cries, but his reward? Water filling his lungs. An ache in his throat. There he was in the darkness. All alone. No matter how much he flailed the abyss pulled him deeper.
What was salvation then?
It eats through the chest. Tears through the mind. As his gaze deepens to the child that averts his eyes from him… He can't help but agree. That abyss ate through his chest. Was the water filling it a replacement? Did they need to carve him from the inside out to create a cavity in which the others could burrow themselves into? What came after pain was comfort. That he can recall vividly. Even as he was pulled further into the abyss, he was unafraid. He could feel their limbs embracing him. That warmth was salvation. Or was it?
Perhaps it was a reward for allowing them to tear through his mind. After all, many would deem this as insanity. Why would one go through such agony and despair for nine more lives? Just one life carried many sorrows. Having nine lives? It ensured many more sorrows to come. However, there wasn't just sorrow in life. There was joy. To have nine lives meant more joys as well.
He can say with confidence even though his first life met a brutal end… He was content.
It is a clearing of a throat that draws him away from his thoughts. The child behind such a sound still refuses to look at him. Instead, the boy speaks of ignorance and the unknown. This time, he decides to break the silence.
"You are afraid." It is not said as an accusation. It is merely a fact. One that drowns. He does not extend a paw for salvation.
"I am ignorant. I know nothing of leadership, and yet… I still took the crown. I believed the stars would guide me, but they have remained silent since. In their silence I have been nothing but a terrified lamb, who has only made irresolute decisions."
He asks not for pity nor rage or even of mercy. It was too late. His sins led to the deaths of many within their ranks. Strawberrykit had lost their mother due to his foolishness. If she wanted to haunt him for his faults, then he would accept it willingly. Those who haunted him had reason to. A pawstep alerts him. His head snaps in its direction, before looking up at Galepaw.
Why was he looking at himself?
The Pike that died the first time. When he was still a kittypet with his twoleg. Jumping onto a bed, slowly approaching the cold body with trembling limbs. Nudging at their paw, pleading for them to say anything. Whether it was a shout or gentle whisper didn't matter. Those cries went unanswered. His desperate affection? It could not bring back his first love.
He blinks, only to see the Pike that died the second time. One who found happiness with a golden tom during his travels. The pair were happy beyond measure. He was aware of his beloved's greatest fear and still believed in them. In their love. There had been no pleading, but perhaps that was his greatest mistake. If he pleaded earlier then Goldy wouldn't have left him in the middle of the night. He wouldn't have to wake up with dread pooling his gut. Didn't have to wait for a day before desperately searching the area for any trace of his love. Didn't have to yowl to the starry night above, as if it would give him an answer.
The second Pike swiftly becomes the third who died. One who bore a crown given to him by the stars. One who led foolishly. One who believed that a friend wouldn't kill him. Adderfang despite his gruff attitude and their differences was a tom he regarded as a friend. After all, it was he who taught Pikestar how to fight properly. It was he who gifted a shiny stone to Pikestar as an apology. The very same he kept hidden away in his nest despite everything. The two of them bickered toward the end. His pleas were met with hisses, but couldn't say that he hadn't done the same to Adderfang. The brown life guard begged him to fix his mess. Maybe it was only for his own family and no one else, but the fact of the matter is that Adderfang pleaded with him to do something. Their disconnect led to a brutal separation. It was one everyone could see coming, and yet… Pikestar wanted nothing more than to plead for another chance. To make amends. To be better. To have a future in which neither he nor Adderfang were fools in love.
Those realities. Those lives were felt. Only the first could only be held in his dreams. It should bring him despair, but he was content. His most precious love would be remembered and felt the same. Yes, his twoleg had loved him. Even in his dreams that love never went away. That was true love. As for Goldy? There was no way that tom wasn't alive. Even so, whether it was a dream or reality… He knew the moment they embraced, he would feel no love. Adderfang? There never was any love between them. That reality had always been there. He simply refused to hold it.
With a shake of his head, the being before him is none other than Galepaw. It is at that moment he truly looks at the apprentice. Despite the fact that Galepaw has been clinging to him, he has never once taken in the boy. What he sees is not an apprentice. What he sees is a terrified kit asking for comfort. For love.
That's right. Your mother died when you were so young. Your father was never around either. Green eyes soften. He knows that agony. Always wanting, but being forced to wait. If not waiting then doing everything in your power to grasp it, only for them to leave. The most devastating was whenever someone left. Regardless of whether it was of their own volition.
Slowly, and with a grimace due solely to pain (their limited herbs could only do so much), his forelimbs reach for Galepaw. An invitation.
It was strange. He'd been touched before by others in this spot, but perhaps it was because it was Gale. The tenderness befuddled the leader. All he could do was remain frozen as the apprentice touched him as if he were something precious. As if there were something more than a leader and a subordinate. It was only when he felt an ear pressed against his chest that he could begin to place a name to what this was. What Gale was doing now was something Iciclepaw had done a few times before.
When the white apprentice had nightmares and could only sleep in Pikestar's embrace. How he would burrow himself into his chest, a white ear pressed against his chest. He never understood why the apprentice did it, nor did he himself understand why he allowed it. It was only when Iciclepaw called him dad, did everything make sense. It was frustrating. How he only realized why when he swiftly met his end.
Pikestar desired a family.
A desire he thought was quashed when Goldy left him all those moons ago. It seemed like he never truly gave up. In all those moments recalling how he treated Iciclepaw once he took the apprentice under his wing. The gaping hole in his heart was forgotten when he spent time with Russetfall and Iciclepaw. He never saw her in a romantic light and never will, but… That was the happiest he had ever been. Just the three of them walking back to camp together, with Iciclepaw proudly showing off the large fish he caught.
Gale was nothing like Icicle, and that was okay. He never needed to be. The leader closed his eyes and embraced the apprentice. A paw is finally extended to grant salvation.
I've said and done cruel things to you, haven't I?
An ear flicks. All he can distinguish from Gale is the word 'alive'. The only answer he gives in return is by pulling Gale closer to him. Even if the boy in his arms does not name it properly… He knows. This child was worried for him. All this time thinking their constant presence was meant to annoy and terrify was far from the truth. This boy wanted to be seen. He desired love. Why the boy desired affection from Pikestar himself was a mystery. It was unwise to do so. How could he trust in someone so fickle? So ignorant? So foolish? It would've been wiser to find another. After all, he kept Gale waiting. Never looking at the child with affection nor hatred. The only thing he offered was indifference and still… Gale never gave up.
He couldn't undo his mistakes. All he could do now was move forward.
This time, we'll walk forward together. I promised, didn't I?
Gale's words of death and change are met with silence. Only for a short while anyway.
"You're wrong. Something has changed." If the boy in his embrace tried to move or escape, it would be to no avail. Pikestar's grip would tighten. Either way, the leader would finally open his eyes. He would draw away ever so slightly so their eyes could meet.
"Do… Do you have to go?"
It's selfish to ask the boy and he knows it. After everything he's done, he doesn't deserve it.
You should've left. You should've scolded me. You should've looked for someone else. He can't verbalize these thoughts. Was it because of cowardice? Or was it because he knew the truth? That he knew that uttering these words would serve as an escape? To anger the child who entrusted their heart to them? To make them doubt and lose all hope?
Is… Is this bravery? It didn't feel like it. He felt like a deadbeat father who was asking his son for forgiveness after purposely abandoning him for moons.
A son?
The thought seared itself into his mind. Iciclepaw and Galepaw could pass as brothers. Somewhat when placed side by side. If anything, he could say that Gale took after his mother the most. There was simply no way anyone would think he and Gale would be related when placed side by side. He lacked the fluffiness the apprentice bore, the white on his pelt, the curled ears, and the brown of his fur. A stretch would be saying that the blue markings on the boy's face was a similar pattern to the leader himself. Their markings maybe a tiny bit similar. Oh, who was he kidding? They didn't look much alike. The only reason why Iciclepaw would pass more as his biological son was because of his timid demeanor.
Still… The thought of Gale being his son didn't unsettle him. They were similar in other ways.
It doesn't occur to the leader that he has already placed a paw atop of the apprentice's head and began smoothing the fur lovingly, as if he were a parent. A father.
"I won't stop you from leaving. It's already so late and I know I'm being a little selfish, but I'd like to hear about the bird. If not… Then would it be okay if I see you after sunrise? I'd be happy to listen to anything you want to share."
