TW: Sensitive Content Backwritten The line between naivety and hopefulness is almost invisible || Jay and Merry

[Jaymoon]

Takes place shortly after the meeting
May contain triggering topics such as trauma [in response to the barnfire and floods] and grief, identity crisis, etc

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ Jaypaw ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☽⋆⁺₊⋆-

Jaypaw had been avoiding talking about what had happened during the floods. He had been sticking close to Merrystalk, owing the tom his life, but he hadn't spoken to the Gale Guard. Not properly at least.

Yet, despite promising himself he'd keep an eye on the cat that had saved his life, when the meeting happened and Merrystalk nearly ran away from camp, Jaypaw's feet were frozen to the ground. Jaypaw's heart raced yet he did nothing to help. Once again, he left Merrystalk to deal with everyone else's mess by himself. What kind of cat did that make Jaypaw then? What kind of clanmate? He needed to fix it.

He waited with a fixed gaze for the tortoiseshell to return to camp and when Merrystalk finally came back, Jaypaw wasted no time. "Can we talk?" he spoke quietly and led the two of them to a secluded spot, for a private conversation.

Once tucked safely away from the prying eyes and ears of their clanmates, Jaypaw found himself struggling with words. He clenched his teeth and scraped his claws against the dirt, but he couldn't avoid it forever. He had decided, he had led the Gale Guard here, now it was time to talk. Even if it was going to hurt, even if it was going to drive Merrystalk away from him.

"Merrystalk, I..." Jaypaw started. "I know it's not my place to ask, but..." the apprentice dared not look into the other's eyes, instead his gaze fell to his own paws, his delicate tail neatly wrapped around them. "Are you okay? After what happened with us? After you... after you...-" Jaypaw couldn't bring himself to say the words died. Merrystalk was alive after all, but... he was different. Not just because of what has happened to him, no, Jaypaw felt there was something deeper going on. "...after the floods. I mean, of course you're not okay, but you.. you've changed."

Finally he dared look into Merrystalk's eyes, though he tried to hide his own pain in it. This wasn't about him, nor his guilt or inability to exist within the camp's tunnels. This was about Merrystalk.

"I just... I know you'll say otherwise, but what happened was my fault and I just wish I could... I wish I could fix this."

OOC: @Merrystalk ​

 

[Merrystalk Merrystalk]

His mind still buzzed, getting louder the closer he padded to camp, but the time he spent at the Moonstone meant the meeting had dispersed. While the suffocating feeling had not subsided from the camp, it was bearable.

But, to his surprise, he found himself intercepted by Jaypaw. Merry gave the apprentice an apologetic smile, breathing to speak, only for him to hushedly interupt him. The gale guard found himself a little taken aback, green eyes scanning the muted expression of the young tom. "'Course we can talk, c'mon Jaybird." Merry spoke carefully, letting the apprentice lead him away to talk.

He wasn't ignorant of how Jay wrung his paws; there was a nervousness in the air, how it coiled under his own pelt. It only assured his realisation, but he wouldn't jump ahead to what was the matter, he would let Jaypaw talk first. But as he did, Merrystalk's expression faltered a little, tightening his jaw as the apprentice spoke. The gale guard chuffed a sigh, sitting on his haunches. He wasn't the only one to realise he had changed; it was noticeable to others around him.

The tortie hummed, a strained sort of expression in his eyes. "Aye, I have changed ain't I. It's... Hard to explain." He closed his eyes, straining to recall his meeting. "But ya' deserve an explanation, as best as I can. I.. I saw Starclan, I was there fer a little." He muttered, before carrying on quickly, not wanting to worry the apprentice too much. "I saw someone there, Breezewing she was called, an ancient warrior of Windclan, long before any've us settled here. We talked, 'nd she said it wasn't my time, 'nd I had more to fufill fer my clan, but I would have some "help"."

There was some strained emphasis in his words, Merry shaking his head, levelling his breath again. His head still hurt, but he couldn't twist his own words, not when he had only just come to his own realisation. "I didn't know what she meant by all that, 'nd I didn't know until today." He looked back into camp, where cats milled about; there was still tension in the air, fear whispering on the winds, rasping his pelt with a chill.

"I did come back different, but not fer the worse. Breezewing gave me somethin'. I ain't sure what, but somethin' like the power Dustystar was given is my only thought. Not extra lives, not bein' able to talk to the dead like Dimmin', but... Starclan, it sounds strange, I've been able to sense everyone else's emotions." Saying it out loud sounded surreal, but it was true, his truth. "All of 'em, fear, anger, joy 'r terror. 'nd I could ignore it until today, but everyone's fear 'nd anger was too much, i-it's why I ran." Merry admitted, sheepishly. It wasn't something he was proud of, but it wasn't something he needed to lie about.

He finally met Jaypaw's gaze, who looked to him, too. There was something indescribable behind his eyes, not quite sorrow, but still something in pain. It made Merry's throat tighten; something else writhing beneath his pelt, it seared to life as the apprentice finally spoke again. The gale guard's mouth grew dry as words tumbled from the maw of the apprentice. Guilt. That was what wirthed beneath his pelt; guilt.

His shoulders went slack, words couldnt quite form as that sensation of guilt and remorse clung to his pelt. All this time, Jaypaw still felt responsible for what happened. But the apprentice knew that he would reassure him over and over; he wasn't at fault, but that wouldn't change anything. So, Merry took a breath and looked to the young tom. "I don't blame ya', I would never. It's not like ya' got caught in there fer fun, it's not like you could control me decidin' to save ya'. I made a promise, Jay, to always protect ya'. 'nd I don't care how old ya' get, but I'll always keep that promise."

There was a flicker of sorrow behind Merry's eyes, his own for once, his own guilt. But even so, Merry looked to the apprentice with a careful look, "There's nothin' ya' could've changed 'f that night, there's nothin' to fix. And thinkin' 'bout what could've been done different just leaves ya' stewin' in the past."

Merrystalk stood to his paws and pressed a gentle nose to the apprentice's head, like he was still that tiny kit toddling about asking about sheep. To him, he was still that little Jaybird he took on adventures around the barn. "I have changed, 'nd it's not somethin' were used to, but we can't go back now. 'nd if I were in that tunnel again, I would do everythin' the same. 'cause I would rather change fer good than have to tell yer Mama she ain't got her little Jaybird no more." His voice was nearing stern, but there was still a softness. He couldn't bear the fact that Jay blamed himself, and his heart would break if the apprentice even insinuated how that night should have gone differently. Merry may have changed, but he survived. He would adjust, he would persist, but if Jaypaw had died that night, he never could have recovered from the guilt of not doing enough. Not again. Not again.

​

MERRYSTALK He/Him, Windclan Gale Guard, 34 moons.
A lithe, tortoiseshell cat with green eyes and pelt speckled with rye grass.
mentored by none // mentoring Talonpaw
sibling to Goldenroar and Sunnyspring
NPC x NPC / parent to no one / mated to Harefoot
"SPEECH" // "THOUGHTS" // ATTEMPTED ACTION // EMPATHY DETECTION // ALETHIA DETECTION
penned by Pheo ↛ phoenixwashere on discord, feel free to dm for plots.

 

[Jaymoon]

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ Jaypaw ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☽⋆⁺₊⋆-

.

Jaybird. Was that a name he had been called before? It almost sounded familiar, perhaps like a name he would receive soon. Once he's a warrior. The name pressed against his skull, trying to pry something open, but Jaypaw didn't know what. Why was that silly nickname making him so confused?

He shook his head then, not letting himself get distracted from what was actually important. From Merrystalk.

As the Gale Guard spoke, Jaypaw felt his throat tightening, ears pressing down against his helm. StarClan? Power? Jaypaw's head spun at Merrystalk's words, not because he was unable to grasp what the warrior was saying, but because... "You can... you can feel our emotions?" the apprentice asked, voice smaller than usual. "All this time I've been telling you I'm fine... you knew?"

It would explain why the warrior always looked at him sympathetically, but could he really feel all that? Jaypaw's terror at the tunnels, his exhaustion from sleeping out in the cold all the time, his worry and his guilt? All the time Jaypaw had been tailing him, Merrystalk had to endure everything boiling up inside the apprentice?

"I.. I'm sorry." is all he managed to breathe out. "I thought that.. if I said I was fine, I wouldn't worry anybody else. I thought if I said I was fine, it would eventually be so. I didn't... I didn't know you had to feel it too."

What could he even do? All these feelings bottled up inside of him, how was he meant to fix things, when he couldn't fix his own nightmares?

And then... There it was again... Jaybird. Had Merrystalk called him that before? What made this nickname so different that it was making his chest tight, his paws tremble? And something even more terrifying...

Could Merrystalk feel it too?

 

[Merrystalk Merrystalk]

Merry's expression softened with sorrow as Jaypaw grasped what he was saying, the apprentice's guilt being mottled with confusion, only to sear louder beneath his pelt. Writhing like a sickness, Jay couldn't shake. The gale guard sat at the apprentice's side; now more than ever, he needed the comfort.

"I didn't fully understand, not until I went to the Moonstone. I- I freaked out a little 'nd I talked my way through it all. I realised what happened, I realised what I knew. 'nd I realised just how much you've been bottlin' it all up. I shoulda come to check on ya' before now, Starclan knows I've been a fool to do this to other cats too." He cast his gaze out, stomach twisting, guilt contorting his face into a sullen look. It was ridiculous of him to have waited so long, to have to be forced to face his foolishness with everyone elses fear's intwined in his own, but maybe that was Starclan's plan in the end.

He looked to Jay, pressing his shoulder to the other's reassuringly. "Ya' don't have to apologise, I promise ya' I ain't mad. Its... Its understandable, ya' didn't wanna worry me with it. I'll be honest that I ain't even told no one what happened that night 'cept Dimmin' really. It's... Terrifying to admit somethin' like this. Fear 'r guilt. Even if ya' know it's okay now, it's hard to let go of the past. Ya' can ignore it, pretend it's not there, try push it away 'nd say it's all fine. But then one day it'll come 'nd bite ya' in the tail. Always does...." Merry cast his gaze down, shoulders sinking as he realised he really should take his own advice. "Now it ain't like I'm a beacon 've wisdom 'r nothin', 'nd I won't say it'll all be back to the same as it were. But ya' gotta give yerself some grace, Jaybird. It's not yer fault, 'nd no one's blamin' ya'. We just gotta learn to live with what's changed, is all."

Silence hung in the air. He hoped he hadn't been too cheesy; he wasn't good with these talks, but clearly the kid needed some reassurance. But the silence remained. And something else filled the emptiness.

Something slunk around his throat, tightening, suffocating. Merry found his heart racing all the sudden, like a fight or flight. But this wasn't his own, it had lurched across his mind like... Like.

Horror dawned on his face as he finally looked to Jaypaw. The apprentice was hunched slightly. Any other day, he wouldn't have realised, but the sort of glassy look in his eyes, the slightest tremble in his paws. Something was dreadfully wrong.

The gale guard pressed a nose gently to the apprentice, trying to rouse his attention. "Jaypaw? Jay, look at me, are ya' okay?" He knew that answer, but Merry had no idea what had struck the apprentice; something plagued him. Something more than what he had asked. "Take a deep breath fer me, yer okay." Merry tried to curb what was to come, hoping to talk Jaypaw out of what he had an awful feeling was curling its way around the apprentice's mind. That terrible panic that grips you, that clouds your mind. He tried to keep the apprentice grounded as best he could and searched through his every word to try to decipher where he had slipped up.

​

MERRYSTALK He/Him, Windclan Gale Guard, 34 moons.
A lithe, tortoiseshell cat with green eyes and pelt speckled with rye grass.
mentored by none // mentoring Talonpaw
sibling to Goldenroar and Sunnyspring
NPC x NPC / parent to no one / mated to Harefoot
"SPEECH" // "THOUGHTS" // ATTEMPTED ACTION // EMPATHY DETECTION // ALETHIA DETECTION
penned by Pheo ↛ phoenixwashere on discord, feel free to dm for plots.

 

[Jaymoon]

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ Jaypaw ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☽⋆⁺₊⋆-

Jaypaw's world turned hazy as something curled around his lungs, tightened so much it suffocated the apprentice. Jaybird. He felt panic rise up inside of him, though he did not know why.

Sheep don't hunt, Jaybird.

Merrystalk's voice echoed in his mind. No... not Merrystalk's, but Merry's. Simply Merry's. Jaypaw, Jaykit, Little Jay ran through the fields, on legs too long for his young body, unaware of the horrors of the world. Easily scared by creatures he had never seen before, with woolly coats and dull claws, collars with bells around their necks. Little Jay - Jaypaw could scarcely remember what Little Jay had been like, what

he had been like. He remembered becoming Jaykit, he remembered being a kitten of WindClan, but before that...?

"Ya' gonna be able to catch up, Jaybird?"

He had asked to go out with Merry and Raven, hadn't he? He had looked at his momma, he had looked at..?

His mind clouded again, the ground beneath his feet wobbled and twisted and turned until Merrystalk's voice finally reached his ears. Jaypaw realised there were tears in his eyes, though he did not remember shedding them, nor the reason for any kind of sorrow. They were just talking... about Merrystalk... What happened?

"I..I'm sorry, I don't know what happened." Jaypaw stammered, trying to catch his breath. Jaybird. Jaybird. "You..." the apprentice finally looked into Merrystalk's eyes, full of concern and his own panic reflected back at him. "You called me Jaybird. You haven't called me Jaybird since..."

Jaypaw couldn't bring himself to think it. He had not thought about any of it since it happened. If he didn't think about it, it couldn't bother him. If he didn't think about it, it couldn't hurt him.

 

[Merrystalk Merrystalk]

Merry watch in some muted fear as that panicked sensation worsened, Jaypaw seemed vacant eyed for some heart beats. He stayed there at the apprentice's side, face knit with worry.

It took only a few seconds, seconds that stretched far too long, until Jay seemed to blink himself back to attention, tears trickling down his face. Guilt writhed beneath Merry's pelt at the state of the apprentice, unsure what to do- if there were anything at all he could do. His face only faltered more as the young tom muttered apologies.

"Don't ya' worry, ya' ain't got nothin' to apologise fer, Jay." The gale guards voice was soft, gentle, trying to be some sort of reassurance to the other. The last thing he needed was to be overwhelmed after all. He breathed to speak again, only for Jay to interrupt, something mournful behind his eyes.

What he said made Merry's blood run cold, jaw going slack as he realised what he did. Had it been so long since he called him Jaybird? Had it really been since... "Oh Starclan, 'm so sorry. I didn't even realise I hadn't- Not since the fire. Not since Bluebird..." The name fell from his maw before he thought, blood running cold as he did.

Like deer in headlights, he looked to Jay with a sudden bout of fear. If he reacted that way to the nickname, did he not?... Merry felt his throat constrict, managing to speak ever so softly. "'m so sorry Jay, I-I didn't mean to..." Fear crawled up his back. Starclan tell him he didn't tell the poor kid too much too soon. He didn't need this. Not now. Not yet.

​

MERRYSTALK He/Him, Windclan Gale Guard, 34 moons.
A lithe, tortoiseshell cat with green eyes and pelt speckled with rye grass.
mentored by none // mentoring Talonpaw
sibling to Goldenroar and Sunnyspring
NPC x NPC / parent to no one / mated to Harefoot
"SPEECH" // "THOUGHTS" // ATTEMPTED ACTION // EMPATHY DETECTION // ALETHIA DETECTION
penned by Pheo ↛ phoenixwashere on discord, feel free to dm for plots.

 

[Jaymoon]

CW: Descriptions of barnfire injuries

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ Jaypaw ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☽⋆⁺₊⋆-

Jaypaw could feel his heart beat in his chest, the thumps echoing in his throat, in his ears, the blood pumping in his veins cold and sharp. What were these memories..why were they coming back now? Were they coming back?

Jaypaw knew he did not remember, he knew, but... why couldn't it stay that way? He had not yet healed from the flood, perhaps he never would, so why was he now being punished with memories of before? Before.... before.... before...

"Not since Bluebird..."

Bluebird.... Bluebird....

The fire. The barn. The burning. His... his sister. Bluebird. His mother's desperate attempts to save her too. Bluebird's scorched body, fur burned off, yet still alive. But not her anymore. Not his sister. He did not have a sister. Cuckoo's burned paws from grabbing Bluebird, Cuckoo's scars to forever hold her pain. Jay unscathed. Bluebird. No more Bluebird.

"Merrystalk." Jaypaw sent the memories away, at least for now. They gripped and clawed at him, desperately trying to reach beneath his skull, writhing and desperate, but he did not let them. Not yet. "Bluebird, she... she was the sun, wasn't she? Where I was the moon, she was the sun."

Finally, the apprentice breathed out. "But the sun had set."

 

[Merrystalk Merrystalk]

The gale guard's expression said it all, eyes welling in sorrow for the young tom. He tried to forget, too, the heartbroken wails of Miss Cuckoo, little Bluebird's scorched body. Jay was so much younger; it was no wonder his mind pushed those awful memories away. Why he never seem to recall anything from the barn.

Merry curled his tail across the apprentice; he was neither his mentor nor kin, but he had watched the young tom grow from a tiny kit, and Starclan be damned if he abandoned the poor boy in his moment of need. "Aye, she was." His voice was nothing more than a whisper. They were almost inseparable, the two of them, even now, as he neared his warrior ceremony, there was always an empty space at the side of the young tom. "'nd she might be gone, but she's a ray 'f light in our memories. I know ya' may not remember much, but she's always gonna be there in yer heart, Jay."

Grief was something strange to Merry, oddly distant in his mind yet always something quietly whirring in his chest. There had been so much death in their midsts, before the barn fire with Hush, the many souls lost in the inferno, even Molewhisker in recent memory. And to this day, he had no idea how he would grapple with such an immediate loss, but to see Jaypaw, so vibrant and confident, shattered into pieces, it was a different sort of grief. A helplessness to protect someone he always vowed to.

The gale guard carefully guarded Jaypaw's face, cleaning the tracks of tears from his fur. A soft sorrow to his expression as the panic from beneath Jay's pelt finally started to flicker out, if only slightly. "I don't expect ya' to wanna talk 'bout it yet. But ya' know I'll always be here to listen 'r tell you stories 'bout the barn." A small reassurance, a reminder that if he ever wanted to know more, Merry would always be there to guide him. But, for now, Jay deserved to rest. "C'mon, if ya' think yer up to it, let's getcha back to camp 'nd rest fer the rest of the day. I'll tell Sunny 'nd Goldy yer free of duties today on my call." The tortie gave the apprentice a small, watery smile. It wasn't much, but rest would do the apprentice good, and it was a start to his healing, hopefully.

​

MERRYSTALK He/Him, Windclan Gale Guard, 34 moons.
A lithe, tortoiseshell cat with green eyes and pelt speckled with rye grass.
mentored by none // mentoring Talonpaw
sibling to Goldenroar and Sunnyspring
NPC x NPC / parent to no one / mated to Harefoot
"SPEECH" // "THOUGHTS" // ATTEMPTED ACTION // EMPATHY DETECTION // ALETHIA DETECTION
penned by Pheo ↛ phoenixwashere on discord, feel free to dm for plots.