ADDER
x
song: the crooked the cradle by crane wives
tw - death of a kit, grief, themes of mental decline and unintentional self-harm.
The wind howled and bayed, the sea churning as if it too had taken to mourning. Adder waded chest-deep toward the verge, the waves lashing viciously at him. Travelling to the shipyard had taken days. His eyelids hung heavy, red and creased with exhaustion. The tom stared out over the endless gray as cold waves slapped his legs and tugged his fur. The little woven basket still clutched between his jaws, rocking gently above the hungry tide.
He had dreaded this moment ever since Wavesong handed him the bundle, but now, standing here in the surf, he felt nothing. The constricting grief that had suffocated him when he first saw his daughter cradled in her deathbed—the shame of watching his mate grieve not only for their daughter, but for their family and being the cause of it all—the ache for the home he could never return to—all gone, leaving a chasm inside him, growing wider still.
Shellkit had barely known the world. She would never open her eyes to the morning sun or feel hear her ma's songs again. He had only held her a few times, and now he had to hand her off to the sea like he did their first daughter.
He waded through the water, the basket creaking softly. Carefully, he let the ocean swaddle it, easing the cradle onto the waves. It rocked with the tide, threatening to tip but holding steady. Shellkit still nestled in moss, peacefully, despite how cruel her short life had been. The basket was well-crafted and held up well. Likely Peachtrot and a few other weavers helped with it. He could see the care that had gone into every weave, every flower tucked into the lining. So much love for a kit that wasn't even theirs.
He was grateful for their kindness. No, it was their weakness, the same weakness that had always frustrated him. And yet... it was that same softness that allowed his daughter to rest in comfort now.
"I could never ask your ma to forgive me." Wavesong put up with him long enough, made up for the things he didn't have. Compensated for him in ways that he never could pay back. "I really thought I could tame that part of me, I did... but I can't. Your pa is weak, Shellkit." No matter how hard he tried, he never could bend his rigid bones into a shape deserving of her. Wavesong did all she could to put out his fires and still asked for his forgiveness even when he ended up burning her too. He took advantage of that more than he ever realized. Why she ever loved a bastard like him was something he'd never understand. Because for each line he crossed, she continued to draw new ones for him to step over.
As harsh as his own pa had been, at least he'd stuck around. Raised them until they were strong enough to carry themselves. Now, Adder couldn't even do that for them. They would grow apart from him, their steps through life in a different direction from his own. He could only hope that they took more after Wavesong than they did him.
"I was supposed to protect you. To make sure you and your siblings outlived me, but I did you wrong." He rasped quietly. "I don't deserve it, but if you could, please forgive your pa. If you couldn't rest, if you took hate to your grave because of me, I couldn't—" Adder swallowed, the resistance building in the back of his throat.
He thought the tears had dried days ago, but they welled now, heat pounding behind his eyes. "You deserved better than me and more than I could ever give you... I'm a sorry excuse for a father, but I love you. I love you so much, my little shell." Breath trembled on his lips, head tilting back to look at the brooding sky.
Adder swallowed, hot tears trickling down his nose before being swallowed up by the sea. Lighting crackled above, draping his shadow across the water's surface. He craned his head back down into the basket, his breath gently ruffling white fur. The clouds gathered thick above him, heavy with rain, but they held, mocking him with their restraint.
He clutched the edge of the basket, teeth grinding as he sobbed, his jaw aching from the tension. The sea reached for her, and he clung tighter, playing tug-of-war, both him and the ocean unwilling to let go of something precious.
It would be the last time he ever saw her. When the ocean took her, it wouldn't give her back. Shellkit would join her sister, and he would be alone.
"If ye loved her so much, then why'd ye let her die?"
Adder startled, sniffling sharply as he jerked his head back. He knew that voice well. He would've chased her song to the very edges of the world. "Wave...?" His dull ambers trace her form, watching the wind pull at her curls. It took him a moment to separate her harsh words from his shock. "H-how are you here?"
Her cold sapphire eyes narrow at him. "Is it so surprisin' I came t'my own daughter's funeral?" Adder flinches, tattered ears folding back against his skull. "No." The way she spoke was so cold, completely drained of any warmth. So unlike her, and some part of him knew that she wasn't real. Wavesong couldn't be there. When he saw her, she was so frail. There was no way she could've tailed after him so quickly.
But, even if she wasn't real, he didn't care. If she were only a cruel imitation of his heart sent to torment him, he hoped she would stay. Her hurtful words scathed him, the ice in her eyes chilled him, but he was happy, so happy. Right then, she could've stripped his bones bare with her teeth, and he would've looked at her with nothing but love. All he ever wanted was to be by her side. Whatever version of her stood beside him now, at least he wasn't completely alone.
Adder looked down at Shellkit once more. Their shell. His beautiful, gentle daughter. It felt like his chest had a gaping hole in it, ribcage picked clean by vermin that still demanded more… more… more.
"How long are ye goin t'hold onto er?" The molly hissed, teeth gnashing against his ear. "Ye let er die, an' now ye deny our shell rest too?"
The water pulled at the basket with more force, loosening his grip. Shellkit drifted, her cradle rocking gently with the current. He watched her go, bloodshot amber eyes trailing as she was carried out from the shore into a gray horizon
With a sudden change of heart, Adder surged after her, but his legs gave out. Strength fled him all at once, and he fell forward into the sea. Saltwater filled his mouth, stung his nose, clawed at his eyes. The sea clutched at him, greedy paws dragging him into its embrace. Still, he kept his eyes on the basket, climbing grey walls, breaking his view before disappearing entirely. The ice that nipped at his flesh turned tender, its kiss warm, the burning in his throat feeling like a caress. Without any hesitation, it welcomed him, offering him a peace that he craved more than anything these days.
"If I'd of known ye were such a coward, I'd never would've stayed. She hissed, unrestrained by the water that enveloped him. "Runnin' from yer failures. Ye think it ends here, Adder? What happens when ShadowClan grows brave with hunger an' turns to stealing prey instead of herbs? Will you let them take food from our kit's mouths too?" At that, he turned sluggishly, peering back at the vision of his love that scorned and taunted him.
She was right. Whether or not he belonged to RiverClan, those kits were still his. He couldn't be there with them, but he could still fight for them. ShadowClan was still a threat, no matter what Pikestar thought. They were safe now, but for how long? The threat across the river did not go away by talking it out and giving well-wishes. He had to keep them safe. He couldn't let any more of his kits be taken.
The tide surged again, forcing another mouthful of brine down his throat. His lungs rejected it, flailing for footing as the ocean pulled him, but eventually, his paw struck sand—wet, and firm—and he dug in, hauling himself away from the lapping waves. Inch by inch, he pulled away from its grasp, flopping onto solid ground like a waterlogged carcass, heaving fluid from his lungs between sobs.
"There ye go now. That's the Adder I fell for." She praised him sweetly, the shape in his peripheral blurred, hovering just beyond his reach. Adder twisted, dragging his muzzle through the sand as he craned to catch a glimpse of her, but she was already gone, and just like he feared, he was alone.
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x THE SPLINTERED MAST I'M HOLDING ON 
WON'T SAVE ME LONG x
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