Camp WC will you make me believe? ✦︎ bengt

[Meadowpaw]

MEADOWPAW

x

make me believe by everlove

Most of the camp lay asleep, but she couldn't rest. Her mind was a restless gale, a split wind ununited in what direction it was supposed to take. No matter how long she lay there, sleep would not come. The dappled apprentice unfurled, green eyes searching the darkness. She found him easily, a large lump spilling over his nest onto the surrounding floor. His form rose and fell with the soft rhythm of sleep.

Pale light trickled through the mouth of the tunnel, split through the tangled curtains. The dappled she-cat unfurled from her nest, steps quietly grazing the floor as she limped toward the light.

Meadowpaw pressed through the tunnel. Her steps were light but the weight in her chest only grew heavier. The wind tugged at her fur as she stopped beneath the open sky. Stars blinked down from above, distant and impossibly far. She sat and stared upward, tail wrapping tight around her paws.

After a moment, she spoke quietly. "You spoke at the gathering, so won't you speak again?" No louder than the breeze, desperation trembled on her tongue. Would they be able to hear her from so far?

They searched until they could no longer. She waited and waited, but each day chipped at hope. She wished it weren't true, dearly, but it was time to face her fears. The clan couldn't afford her stubbornness, especially with what happened at the gathering.

Her mentor—her friend—was not coming back. She vanished, leaving her to pick up the shattered pieces. Meadowpaw did her best to do just that. Had done everything she could. Held dearly to every lesson Gladebloom imparted. Fought tirelessly the last to keep Bengt alive—with no small part of his own. But… what came next, she didn't know. She had learned a lot in just that short time, but would it be enough?

So many depended on her now. They needed her. Looked up to her. Sometimes that felt good but lately the pressure had been crushing. A constant weight on a weak and pathetic heart. What of their future? Ifanything like the barnfire happened, she knew she couldn't save them. Meadowpaw wanted to believe she could, but she was no medicine-cat. She was not Rowanpaw or Jinglemoon or anyone worthy of being called such. So, how many cats would die because she couldn't fill Gladebloom's shadow?

"She hasn't come back, and I'm so scared. I'm trying my best, but it's not enough, I know it isn't." She swallowed hard and searched the sky. The twinkling lights would not arrange themselves into answers for her, but she spoke to them anyway. Hoping with all her heart that she was wrong. "I don't want to lose anyone else." The pleading in her voice thinned, caught on the lump in her throat. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do. If you're listening and you can't come to me now, then give me a sign. Please..." Failure was not an option. Running away was not an option. All she could do was see it through, no matter what lay at the end.

The scent of green-leaf was everywhere, dry grass and wildflowers, but it wouldn't soothe her, not tonight.

x

I BELIEVE THAT THERES COURAGE

BUT ITS BURNIN' LIKE ASH IN THE WIND

x

WINDCLAN

MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE

10 MOONS

SHE/HER

Meadowpaw values kindness and remembrance. As a kit, she internalized her mother's lessons, but questioned whether her way is the only way. She has broken free from the heavy burden of her mother's expectations due to their estrangement after the fire. She remains kind and soft-spoken through all she's endured, but is not afraid to speak out for what she believes is right.

Meadow works tirelessly at any task she undertakes, desperate to prove herself capable and worthy despite her disability. Without her mother's guidance, she finds new ways to express herself.

In conversations, she is gentle, thoughtful, and withdrawn, often hiding her struggles, fearing others seeing her as incapable. She continues to have a strong bond not only with her sister, but with her adopted family as well. Meadow uses her new freedom to support and deepen the bonds with her clanmates. Additionally, she has started to explore the more spiritual side of herself…

Her worldview is a complicated mix of hope and frustration. She wants to believe that there's hope at the end of all the suffering, but feels trapped by her limitations. With enough time and support, she may find a way to overcome her limitations and accept herself.

 

[DIMMINGSUN]

Bengt stirs easily in such an unfamiliar place. The medicine cat den is sheltered, far more than the others—he's not sure if the dips in the ground are really the only protection the sleeping warriors get from the elements—, but that doesn't turn the world mute for him. He stays entirely still as Meadowpaw leaves the den, and he can't help but wonder where she's off to at this time of night. It could be routine for all he knows. Still, the silence she leaves behind is filled with wonder and curiosity. After a few seconds, Bengt rises to his paws too.

He doesn't expect to find her so soon. Her splotched pelt is illuminated by the moon, veiled in something akin to mystery. Something pulls at him, forcing him to get closer, to get to know her more, even though she is already the closest cat to Bengt out of all of WindClan. It's odd; usually, Bengt doesn't bother with those so much younger than him. They have their whole lives ahead of them, ready to be shaped, and they are usually quick to throw it all away... or at least take it entirely for granted. He has to wonder if he had been like that one day, too.

Either way, he doesn't get annoyed in Meadowpaw's presence. She offers herself as a sort of translator between his life so far and the life that Clan life presents. He learns from her when he had thought there is nothing to learn for someone like him.

Dustystar's words echo in his mind. He will be leaving when he is fit to do so.

Will it feel odd to return to solitary life after this?

"What's eating at you?"

Bengt asks when he finally decides to make himself known. He had overheard Meadowpaw talk to herself, or maybe someone in her mind, but he had deliberately only heard a few words out of consideration for her privacy. She might not want him in on any of this.

Bengt follows her gaze upward once he takes a seat beside her. It leads him up, up, up, until his gaze settles on the twinkling stars that break up the monotone, dark sky.

"Seeking answers?"

 

[Meadowpaw]

MEADOWPAW

x

If the stars have anything to say now, they don't share with her. She knows it was a stretch to expect those starry cats to jump down for her with all the guidance she'd been craving since Gladebloom vanished. Though the silence still leaves her chest hollow, her heart sinking under the weight of disappointment.

A deep voice startles her, dragging her back to the present. Shadows cradle her cheek as she turns, recognizing the hulking tom who'd managed to sneak up despite his size. "Oh Bengt." She sighs, relieved that it's not one of her other clanmates. The last thing she needs is for one of them to find her out here. Most of them were set on cottling her enough as it was. "Sorry if I woke you."

"Yes, but they don't seem to have anything for me tonight." Sometimes the stars felt close enough to touch, like she could reach out and pluck them from the sky if she tried hard enough. But at times like these, they seem impossibly distant. With all their shimmer, none of them offer light to guide her.

"You've heard us talk about StarClan, haven't you?" Especially after the drama at the gathering. She might've known about them before, but that solidified things for everyone… Such a thing probably seemed silly to loners, and Meadowpaw wouldn't blame him if it did. "They live up therein the stars, and watch over the clans. At least... they're supposed to." Her voice wavers faintly. They were definitely up there. She had seen them too many times to doubt that, but if they were watching then why didnt they try to help like they did at the gathering? Or even better, come down before all that horrible stuff happened? "Before us and the other clans came to be more recently, something happened and there weren't any clans at all for a long time."

She isn't even sure why she feels less restrained with him. He's easier to talk to. Maybe because in all their time together, Bengt didn't treat her like a kit. He didn't smother her or have any grand expectations of her either. It's a nice feeling, but not something she can get used to. He'll be leaving soon after all.

The thought carves a new crevasse in her chest that she didn't know was there until now. Bengt leaving makes her feel more melancholy than she'd have thought. She was never under the impression that he would stay. He was a drifter much like her father had been. He grew stronger by the day, and with his mending injury came a measure of restlessness. It wouldn't be long before she ran out of reasons to keep him.

Meadowpaw could've found some if she looked, but that wouldn't be fair to him. Although it seemed she was more selfish than she thought for even thinking of it. Would it be just as selfish if she asked him to stay?

"Medicine cats are meant to be a bridge between StarClan and their clan." The apprentice explains, tilting her chin back to the glistening sky. "But I guess I'm not a very good one." If she thinks about it, it makes sense. Unlike Gladebloom, she's only an apprentice.

Her throat tightens, and she presses her paws into the warm earth. "Before you came, my mentor Gladebloom disappeared. She was amazing. I learned a lot about herbs from her, but I wasn't her apprentice long before she went missing."

Gladebloom had communed with them before, and while she'd talked to a starry cat once herself, she didn't know how to do it by choice. Meadowpaw exhales shakily. "I know I should be able to figure it out on my own like she did, but I just can't." Frusteration froths at the tip of her tongue. Who else but Gladebloom could've taken care of them after the barn fire? Who could've been so kind despite all the awful things she'd seen? Who else could've encouraged her to find a new purpose after losing her leg? No matter how Meadowpaw looks at it, she knows it could've only been her.

There's a long list of ways she doesn't measure up, and it keeps stretching longer...

x

I BELIEVE THAT THERES COURAGE

BUT ITS BURNIN' LIKE ASH IN THE WIND

x

WINDCLAN

MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE

10 MOONS

SHE/HER

Meadowpaw values kindness and remembrance. As a kit, she internalized her mother's lessons, but questioned whether her way is the only way. She has broken free from the heavy burden of her mother's expectations due to their estrangement after the fire. She remains kind and soft-spoken through all she's endured, but is not afraid to speak out for what she believes is right.

Meadow works tirelessly at any task she undertakes, desperate to prove herself capable and worthy despite her disability. Without her mother's guidance, she finds new ways to express herself.

In conversations, she is gentle, thoughtful, and withdrawn, often hiding her struggles, fearing others seeing her as incapable. She continues to have a strong bond not only with her sister, but with her adopted family as well. Meadow uses her new freedom to support and deepen the bonds with her clanmates. Additionally, she has started to explore the more spiritual side of herself…

Her worldview is a complicated mix of hope and frustration. She wants to believe that there's hope at the end of all the suffering, but feels trapped by her limitations. With enough time and support, she may find a way to overcome her limitations and accept herself.

 

[DIMMINGSUN]

"You didn't,"

Bengt assures, though he's not certain what had kept him awake. Either way, the little she-cat seems troubled enough as is—somehow, he is considerate towards her in ways that he usually isn't, and wants to save her from wondering whether she should have been more quiet. It's not like he desperately needs sleep, anyhow. There are plenty of chances to nap throughout the day if the medicine she uses on him prove to be too much to handle sometimes. And nobody nags him for his lack of activity. It's refreshing.

Bengt settles beside Meadowpaw; all ears. He doesn't interrupt her even once. He allows her to talk, to lift off some of the worry tainting her heart, even if it means silence stretches between them every now and then. Bengt considers all the information he's getting from her: none of it new, but all of it providing him with more perspective... more detail. He had not expected any of the WindClan cats to go in depth about their customs, considering he is not expected to stay permanently. It would be a waste of breath. But Meadowpaw fills him in regardless, and the least he can offer her is the chance to vent, away from too-helpful individuals who, in an attempt to comfort her, may end up silencing her instead.

"It seems to me like they're a very... secretive bunch,"

he says at last. His gaze traveling upwards indicates that he means StarClan.

"Not keen on sharing too much. Only appearing when absolutely necessary. So it doesn't feel logical to blame yourself for their silence."

How frustrating it must be, to know that those who are supposedly there to help and guide you, may not always give you the answers you seek. He understands the why that coats Meadowpaw's words. Why don't they help? Why don't they say anything?

"If StarClan scarcely makes itself known to most, then whether they contact you or not is not based on your skill."

His eye then settles on Meadowpaw again.

"But... let's say they're not talking to you because of your lack of expertise. You're just an apprentice, no? Still in training? Still learning?"

A pause. Bengt lets his words speak for themselves, hanging in the air. She might appreciate a more realistic approach to her problems.

It's impossibly odd to offer words of wisdom like this. Bengt doesn't know half of what Meadowpaw is going through, and he is certainly no expert on the difficult parts of life. After all, he tends to meet his problems with fury; that's not the sort of lessons that Meadowpaw is looking for now.

"...you've been dealt some bad luck. It happens. But you can't scrutinize yourself for that."

 

[Meadowpaw]

MEADOWPAW

x

What he said made sense. Meadowpaw shifted, tucking her paws tighter beneath her chest as she turned it over. StarClan was secretive—true to their namesake, appearing only when they chose, always just out of reach.

They were powerful, powerful enough to grant leaders their lives and medicine cats their visions. Yet they were selective in how they wielded that power. What she saw as a great time of need might not have been one in their eyes. Did they expect it all to work out? Or believe she would somehow find the answer alone? Bengt's logic was steady, but it did nothing to make her feel better. Shamefully, she realized then that she preferred to blame herself. If she could do that, she didn't have to admit any of this was beyond her control. Having someone to blame was a form of control.

The frustration stung enough to push her to tears. "Bad luck?" A humorless laugh escapes her, wavering on the edge of a sob. "Then what am I supposed to do?" Her gaze flicked back to Bengt, green eyes shimmering. "I can't use inexperience as a crutch. Excuses won't help my clan. They need a medicine cat and I... I am not one." What good was an apprentice without someone to learn from? Up until now, she knew enough to fumble through it. What she didn't know she had to lean on the expertise of a stranger for...

She drew a trembling breath. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have... this is my problem. He was an outsider, with no stake in WindClan's problems. How long would it be until he decided to leave? Days? A week? Maybe that was why she hadn't felt guilty telling him so much. Meadowpaw musters a smile to spite herself, or maybe to make herself feel better about it all. "Do you think you'll leave soon?" She couldn't explain what possessed her to even ask. Meadowpaw figured she already knew the answer anyway.

x

I BELIEVE THAT THERES COURAGE

BUT ITS BURNIN' LIKE ASH IN THE WIND

x

WINDCLAN

MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE

10 MOONS

SHE/HER

Meadowpaw values kindness and remembrance. As a kit, she internalized her mother's lessons, but questioned whether her way is the only way. She has broken free from the heavy burden of her mother's expectations due to their estrangement after the fire. She remains kind and soft-spoken through all she's endured, but is not afraid to speak out for what she believes is right.

Meadow works tirelessly at any task she undertakes, desperate to prove herself capable and worthy despite her disability. Without her mother's guidance, she finds new ways to express herself.

In conversations, she is gentle, thoughtful, and withdrawn, often hiding her struggles, fearing others seeing her as incapable. She continues to have a strong bond not only with her sister, but with her adopted family as well. Meadow uses her new freedom to support and deepen the bonds with her clanmates. Additionally, she has started to explore the more spiritual side of herself…

Her worldview is a complicated mix of hope and frustration. She wants to believe that there's hope at the end of all the suffering, but feels trapped by her limitations. With enough time and support, she may find a way to overcome her limitations and accept herself.

 

[DIMMINGSUN]

The sharpness in Meadowpaw's response tells Bengt that she is unhappy with the answer she has been given; though he cannot find it reasonable to blame himself for it. Judging by her words, it would be near impossible to give her a reply that is satisfactory. This currently dark mindset of hers will make her find flaws to poke at in any argument. She asks her what she is supposed to do, and that's the sort of question that Bengt doubts even the "higher beings" could reasonably ask her. Meadowpaw asks him the impossible. He finds he doesn't mind it as much as he should.

"I don't know,"

he says, honest and calm. It counts for far more than empty promises and hollow encouragements.

"But I'm sure this isn't your first time feeling so... helpless. Lost. Is that right?"

He turns his working eye on her expectantly. Meadowpaw might be young, especially compared to him, but that doesn't mean life has shown her mercy. One must only take a look at her to be able to tell; her scars, her lost limb... and those are only the physical signs of struggle. She strives to hide them from view whenever possible. Bengt can only deem them as proof that she has survived what she must have had viewed as her demise.

"This will work out in the end. You will find a way to make it work."

He is entirely aware that what he says walks a fine line between comfort and more pressure. Then again, aren't those one and the same—two sides of the same coin?

She apologizes, then, but Bengt cannot get angry at her for it. He can't accept her apology, either.

"You had to confide in someone."

It's not an accusation, nor a snide remark.

For the second time, Meadowpaw asks her something that Bengt doesn't find the answers to. She seems to be good at it.

"Dustystar expects me to,"

he says; a non-answer. Life has always been uncertain for him, and he relishes in the freedom that it gives him... but now, he finds himself at a crossroads that is unlike all the others. He has an actual choice to make, instead of being forced to pick between mere circumstances that are always out of his control.

"I suspect she doesn't want me to leech off of your precious resources for too long..."

Again, Bengt dares to sneak a curious glance at Meadowpaw. Testing the waters. Bracing for the most honest reaction.

"...unless I start contributing, I suppose."