To be honest he should be at the medicine cat den, but he needed a breather. When Jinglemoon rushed towards him when he got up, he simply explained that he would be in his den for some privacy. The only reason why his friend allowed him to be here was the promise of returning to the medicine cat den.
I'm fine. He knows that too. I don't really need to stay in the medicine cat den, but he's worried. The least I can do is stay, so he can be a little more at ease.
Unfortunately, his need for solace is cut short. A silver paw is tracing the new scar on his face, as Pineheart's hulking frame enters his den. He should be surprised, yet he expected one of the council members to speak with him. Pineheart was admittedly the last cat on the list, considering their estranged relationship. In any case, the only source of indication that Pikestar is acknowledging the life guard's presence is a nod of his head. The silver paw that had been tracing his new scar now settles against the ground.
Pineheart begins with Adderfang. Though, the manner in which he speaks of the former life guard reminds him all too much of Wavesong. How they both want Pikestar to understand where the brown tom is coming from. Its something he's only started to dislike, but when Pineheart brings up how much of himself he saw in Adderfang... Green eyes narrow.
What do you mean by that? His answer comes quickly. Kits. Pineheart had lost a child just as Adderfang had. Who they were or who had been Pineheart's mate was a mystery. When Pikestar had met Pineheart there was no mate. No child other than torrent who clung by his side.
I should go about this carefully. "...I know. You wouldn't have kept me out of the medicine cat den if you didn't try to help Adderfang. Everything you've done was to help him."
None would deny that fact.
"I don't know what it's like to lose a kit. I never had one of my own, so I can't understand how ugly and angry it'll make me."
He's lost family, but it couldn't compare to losing ones own child. Although, is it truly a loss if he can't even remember the faces of his parents nor his siblings? Maybe it is, but its easier to believe otherwise.
The next topic of conversation is that council meeting.
You didn't say much then, but I already knew there was much more you had to say about it. Guess this is everything you've had on your mind about it. A silver paw rubs against his neck awkwardly.
"Russetfall's already given me an earful about what I said at that dreaded council meeting. She may have not said that I was unsettling, but she said I was lucky that none of you decided to attack me right there and then."
By no means is he dismissing what the older warrior had to say about the council meeting. What he means to say is that he was already scolded long ago by a certain someone for what transpired at that awful meeting.
"At first... I'm ashamed to admit, but I didn't think I was wrong in saying what I said."
Before Pineheart can even think of retorting or leaving, he raises a paw while quickly tacking on,
"Please. let me finish."
A beat passes between them.
"When I was chosen to be leader... I wasn't told much admittedly. What Starclan ordered of me was to become leader and bring you all here, so we can become Riverclan. They also ordered me to give you clan names. No one is allowed to have the names they had before we came here and started our new lives. I... I was ordered by the stars to carry out their desires, but I didn't want to shove their desires on you all so suddenly."
Maybe that had been his first mistake. Not telling his council from the very beginning what Starclan decided for him. It was certainly biting him in the ass now with everyone in Riverclan feeling so defeated and exhausted. What transpired at the gathering was life changing to put it lightly. None of them will ever be the same. However, that was something to be addressed for later.
How can I make this clearer for him? "I... I wasn't ordered to make anyone happy. I could very well lead this clan as Hawkstar. With an iron paw, who punishes anyone who defies me. Only caring for those who will follow me without question."
Perhaps that helped put things in perspective. While Riverclan wasn't entirely friendly with their neighboring clan, a good bulk of them had less than ideal experiences with the other clan. One would think their standing would change with aiding some Skyclanners, but the other clan remained just as distant. This was excluded the rare times Hawkstar would inspect the borders, not sparing a glance towards them. Now, he wouldn't say the other was a terrible leader. She was simply one who shouldn't be messed with. Adderfang would have been sent running long ago had he been under her leadership. After all, Hawkstar would never tolerate his attitude among her ranks.
"It frustrated me. How you all couldn't see it. That I could've been so much worse. Instead, I chose not to. I didn't want to punish anyone for sharing their own opinions or for being who they are."
And now?
The silver leader can't help but sigh.
"I was wrong in saying that back then. I've known it for awhile. The council meeting I want to hold next is going to start off with an apology to all of you. Other than talking about Adderfang and what we should do now."
While he isn't sure if Pineheart is entirely reassured by his confession, all he can hope is that the older warrior can find some peace in knowing that there was going to be accountability. Of course, both of them knew that the topic of Adderfang would be brought up. There was no avoiding it. However, more than anything they needed to find a way to move forward together. An apology may not fix anything, but it was a start.
Maybe our next meeting will be the one where we listen to each other. And I mean really listen.
The pain in Pineheart's words don't go unnoticed.
"It was never your responsibility Pineheart. To protect me from his anger. I knew it was a mistake for him to go to the gathering, maybe all of us knew it was a mistake... Still I let him go. I let him go because I didn't want to deal with it. You've seen how riled up he gets whenever I'm nearby. It felt like trying to prevent him from going would only push him to go anyway. Like you said, it festers. It was only a matter of time."
Truthfully, he didn't imagine that the brown tom would actually killed him. What he imagined as Adderfang simply yelling at him. There was no future where Adderfang could contain his anger or his ugliness. While Pikestar would be plagued by nightmares for moons to come of someone he once admired ruthlessly tearing into him, he could only weep in the solace of his den knowing that the ones most devastated by this event was none other than Wavesong and her kits. As much as he loathed Adderfang in the end, he didn't want to exile the former warrior for having different ideals. After all, he was loved by someone.
Whatever his relationship was with Pineheart didn't matter anymore. There was something much more important to do, and it was to reassure the older warrior that this was not his fault.
"You shouldn't blame yourself too much. Y'know, Russetfall warned me. She told me that this might happen, so it wasn't like I wasn't entirely unprepared. I only handled the gathering better because of Russetfall."
He is not going to say how the other council member had an inkling of what may happen. That was for her to tell if she trusted Pineheart with her secret.
