TW: Sensitive Content Private The Farm Backwritten but i'll never understand why it had to happen to me

[Clover]

{$title} !! BIG TW: mentioned transphobia, parental disownment/abandonment !! i will update this tw as any other sensitive topics come up

Was it the changing season, or was the barn much colder now that Clover was sleeping alone? She couldn't tell, and honestly didn't know enough of the world to try and figure it out. The nights seemed significantly colder now without spending them burrowed into her mother's thick fur, with her siblings curled up on either side of her.

And yet… they weren't gone. They hadn't disappeared, or died, or simply left the barn… no, they were still there. They ignored her, treated her like a stranger - if they deigned to speak to her - or a ghost… She knew why. She knew their parenting, their "natural consequences" style they were enforcing by kicking her out of their nest and leaving her to scrape her own together out of the hay and occasional discarded bits of twoleg cloth she could find around the barn or venturing into the yard.

She knew the lies they were probably telling if questioned, about how it was "just a rebellious phase." She'd heard it directly from them, she'd heard them saying it to other, older friends of theirs, she'd heard them telling her siblings that, even.

If there was any good to come of it, she supposed learning to hunt for herself was a meager bonus. She still wasn't very good at it, usually only managing to catch smaller mice or particularly old ones with meat so chewy she felt like she might as well gnaw on a chunk of wood… but she was keeping herself fed. Mostly.

Still, it was lonely. She missed having cats to talk to, although with her parents and siblings treating her the way they were, she found it hard to trust that other cats would have nicer things to say to her. Sure, a few older cats spared her sympathetic glances if she looked too mopey, but that seemed to be the extent of interaction she had with her fellow barn cats these days. It was definitely wearing on her.

What's even the point of thinking like this... She wondered, shifting a bit in her nest to get more comfortable. She wasn't even sure what to do with herself anymore, but spending any more time moping would drive her insane. Then again, so would trying to interact with others and risk facing their rejection... So stay in the nest it is, I guess...

__________way down deep inside ✿ there is a real me___________

• //this thread takes place 4 moons ago, early october/turning november. @Hollow
  "speech" - thoughts
  
• 
  

  

• Clover(paw) she/her & windclan
  ✿ lh red lynx mink w/ white spotting
  ✿ 4 moons (in this thread)
  ✿ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted.
  ✿ Slight suppressed southern accent
  
  
  penned by pastelskulls
  template by scarlet​

 

[Hollow]

Hollow, -- 33 Moons / Barn Cat
Black spotted ghost tabby with bright amber eyes.
She is friendly, yet quiet, and always willing to help.

Tagging @Clover

---

Hollow had been watching Clover for a little while.

She herself hadn't fully adjusted to barnlife. She mostly kept to herself and stayed up in the loft, in her own little corner tucked away snugly with the hay and hardwood. Most of the cats had been friendly, when she arrived, and she was so very thankful for a place with such prominent rats and mice to feast on. Though she was awfully clumsy at hunting, she slowly got the hang of it... slowly. Everytime something scittered away from her claws and escaped her grasp, she felt the pang of disappointment, and longing to be back home with her two-legs, eating from her bowl every night at the same exact time. Sleeping in the warm bed, cuddling up to her family...

She mostly observed, now, when she had nothing to do besides hunt. She didn't talk to many cats, and not many approached her anyway. But she always kept an eye on the little ones in the barn as they grew from afar. There was always a little bit of worry, seeing how... vulnerable they all were, out here in the barn where any creature could just walk in and snatch them up. In a two-leg home, nothing would be able to do that. The only danger was accidentally getting your claw stuck on a scratching post, or somehow wandering outside when you weren't supposed to.

But the little orange one, Clover... seeing the kitten outcast struck something in her, a little.

She wouldn't normally do something like this, she thought as her paws shook slightly, approaching a particular part of the barn where she knew the little one had began to sleep. A fat rat hung from her jaw, and she hoped that the prey might quell any rejection she may face. Hollow approached slowly, head down as she slid to quietly sit next to Clover, and placed the rat on the ground in front of them.

Her voice was hesitant as she spoke gently, staring at the prey instead of looking at Clover, "...I caught this rat. It's too big for me to eat. I was wondering if you might like to share."

 

[Clover]

A... vaguely familiar face appeared in front of her. Hollow had been around for nearly as long as she could remember, having been still small enough to hide under her mother's tail when she'd joined. She was a quieter cat, too, from what Clover had seen of her, mostly keeping to herself. Her thoughts were interrupted by Hollow's quiet words, and only then did she notice the large rat the older cat set down. The warmth of another cat nearby was nice, familiar even... although it did bring back that old sense of yearning that had plagued her for the long days since the falling out with her parents.

She took a few moments longer than she should have to actually... process what had been said, the offer to share it. It was an awfully big rat, almost as big as she was, although that wasn't really saying much. "oh, um... that would be nice..." She wasn't entirely sure how to react to the offer - her limited experience with other cats had, somewhat, led her to believe that everyone else around her sensed something wrong with her and would treat her badly... but Hollow didn't seem like the type to do that. She hoped that assumption wouldn't be a mistake.

__________way down deep inside ✿ there is a real me___________

• "speech" - thoughts
  
• 
  

  

• Clover(paw) she/her & windclan
  ✿ lh red lynx mink w/ white spotting
  ✿ 4 moons (in this thread)
  ✿ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted.
  ✿ Slight suppressed southern accent
  
  
  penned by pastelskulls
  template by scarlet​

 

[Hollow]

Hollow, -- 33 Moons / Barn Cat
Black spotted ghost tabby with bright amber eyes.
She is friendly, yet quiet, and always willing to help.

Tagging @Clover

---

Hollow pawed the rat a bit closer to the kitten, hoping to encourage her to dig into it. She didn't know how to start this. She worried that she may come off far too blunt and scare Clover away from talking to her, or maybe Hollow read the entire situation wrong and there was nothing to worry about at all. Did she ask about how Clover's hunting was coming along? She knew that she had started to hunt on her own, and her efforts were very amendable... for such a small cat she was doing well already. But she just brought her a rat, so that might come off as a bit patronizing- so she didn't want to ask that. Asking how her family was doing was obviously a big no. Probably. She could ask how her new nest it... but that would bring up the fact that she's sleeping alone and she didn't want that either!

Oh, Hollow just didn't know!

She stared at Clover, and waited until she had at least taken a bite or two out of the rat, before finally impulsively mumbling: "...Are you okay?"

 

[Clover]

She wanted to spill it all out. Oh, how she wanted to wail and cry, to scream at the stars that it just wasn't fair! But she couldn't find it within herself to be that open with someone she wasn't very familiar with. So she just took another bite out of the rat while she tried to gather up the thoughts racing through her head into something more... coherent, and appropriate to talk about. Mama always had a lecture about what was and wasn't appropriate... She always knew when it was the time to stay quiet and when it was the time to say what you felt.

As hard as she tried to keep her composure, though, she was cracking already. So many things weighing down on one so small made it hard to keep your composure for very long, and before she knew it her vision started to blur slightly as tears welled up in her eyes. "I..." She trailed off with a sniff, looking down at the little white toes of her paws. "I don't know... I want to go back..." Back to the nest with her siblings, back to the warmth of her parents' affection... back to the way it had all been before she caused such a fuss. She couldn't help but wonder if it had really all been worth it, sometimes.

__________way down deep inside ✿ there is a real me___________

• "speech" - thoughts
  
• 
  

  

• Clover(paw) she/her & windclan
  ✿ lh red lynx mink w/ white spotting
  ✿ 4 moons (in this thread)
  ✿ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted.
  ✿ Slight suppressed southern accent
  
  
  penned by pastelskulls
  template by scarlet​

 

[Hollow]

Hollow, -- 33 Moons / Barn Cat
Black spotted ghost tabby with bright amber eyes.
She is friendly, yet quiet, and always willing to help.

Tagging @Clover

---

Hollow's head dipped a little more, and she couldn't help it when her tail went to very gently lay against Clover's torso, concern nagging at her and the urge to comfort too powerful. "What... happened?" she asked, gently, trying to keep her voice as calm as she could. This poor kitten was clearly very distraught over it. Hollow lowered herself a bit more, going from a sit to a loaf next to Clover to get more on her level, shuffling her paws to get comfortable as she expected to be here for a while.

 

[Clover]

The closeness was comforting, and the tail laying so gently against her… It calmed the flood of tears slightly, but there was only a brief moment of peace before the thoughts continued their onslaught. How would she even explain it? How much had Hollow heard from gossipy other cats, or even her parents?

"I told them the truth… That's all I did, really." The words were hard to get out, getting caught in her throat as she wavered between spilling it all and leaving some things unsaid. Telling the truth really was all she'd done… she told herself it wasn't her fault how they'd taken it, or what had happened after… but had she been too stubborn? Put her paw down too much? Maybe they were right, maybe it was something she was too young to know for certain… "I just told them that I didn't feel right being called a tom, or that the name they gave me didn't… fit."

That churning she'd felt in her stomach every time her old name came out of another cat's mouth… That couldn't have been a normal experience for everyone. The new name she'd chosen for herself seemed to fit so much better, and she supposed at least a few other barn cats were… humoring her with it, if not accepting it fully. "I don't really understand why they were so upset… but now they won't talk to me, or let me in their nest anymore..."

__________way down deep inside ✿ there is a real me___________

• "speech" - thoughts
  
• 
  

  

• Clover(paw) she/her & windclan
  ✿ lh red lynx mink w/ white spotting
  ✿ 4 moons (in this thread)
  ✿ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted.
  ✿ Slight suppressed southern accent
  
  
  penned by pastelskulls
  template by scarlet​

 

[Hollow]

Hollow, -- 33 Moons / Barn Cat
Black spotted ghost tabby with bright amber eyes.
She is friendly, yet quiet, and always willing to help.

Tagging @Clover

---

Hollow couldn't help but let out a little "Oh..." as she felt her heart break a little more. She felt kind of speechless, heavy hearted and blinked at the all too familiar dread of something like this. Everytime she met a new cat, she had to deal with the feeling of worry and the nagging anxiety everytime she had to correct someone. She was always stern about it, the one thing she felt like she could be stern about, even if she felt like shaking apart everytime it happened.

She stared at Clover for a minute, mind whurring through her own thoughs and feelings before she realized that the pause had gone on too long, and she might be making the kitten nervous. Hollow didn't quite know what to say to make this better, but she knew she had to try her best. She scooted a bit closer, tentatively pressing her side up against Clover's in a show of comfort as she tried her best to find her words. Ears low, she thought over what would be the most comforting for her to hear, but it had been so long ago now, she could barely remember the first time she stood up for herself...

Hollow took a deep breath, after a minute, and finally replied. "Some cats just..." she paused for a moment, "They just... don't understand." Hollow let that sit in the air for a moment, before she realized what that might imply and shook her head, glancing at Clover quickly for a second before speaking again. "That- that doesn't mean that- they're right or anything- they shouldn't... they shouldn't be treating you this way- it's- wrong." She said firmly.

 

[Clover]

The reassurance helped a little, and Clover breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Finally, someone else who understood and even seemed to have experience to speak on in relation to her situation. Some cats just don't understand... That really is what it feels like. She felt... freed, almost, with someone else finally telling her that it was her parents being unreasonable. Freed from the weight of it all on her mind, freed from the feeling of being so alone... It was nice.

"So... what do I do when they say something upsetting, or call me by the wrong name? Do I just... ignore them? Is it worth fighting when nobody will listen...?" That was what it felt like. Always fighting a battle to finally be listened to and taken seriously, only to be met with dismissal because she was so young. It was like older cats couldn't stand the idea of listening to kittens, even when they had something important to say.

__________way down deep inside ✿ there is a real me___________

• "speech" - thoughts
  
• 
  

  

• Clover(paw) she/her & windclan
  ✿ lh red lynx mink w/ white spotting
  ✿ 4 moons (in this thread)
  ✿ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted.
  ✿ Slight suppressed southern accent
  
  
  penned by pastelskulls
  template by scarlet​

 

[Hollow]

Hollow, -- 33 Moons / Barn Cat
Black spotted ghost tabby with bright amber eyes.
She is friendly, yet quiet, and always willing to help.

Tagging @Clover

---

Hollows ear flicked, and she looked over at Clover before firmly saying, "No."

"You should keep saying it. Keep firm in what you feel. Maybe they'll never understand, and... and maybe it hurts, but... you should be allowed to do whatever you want to." Her gaze flickered away, as her thoughts drifted back home. She didn't interact with many cats in the years with her two-legs, after she had moved away from her family as a kitten. She probably didn't... understand, how much it hurt to be close with cats and have them turn you away. All of the cats she had to correct were strangers to her.

"I-..." she began, but faltered, not quite wanting to talk about her time before the barn. For the sake of trying to comfort Clover, though... she took a deep breath. "...I probably don't understand how badly it... hurt you. I moved away from my family a long, long time ago. I haven't seen them in many seasons. They never... knew that I decided to... become a she-cat."