YEWKIT
And it's alright, I'm alright
I want to be okay
I want to be okay
.
Yewkit rarely dreamt and when she did, she scarcely remembered what she had dreamt of. She was often left awake, only with an echo of emotions about what she had dreamt of, no memories of what she endured in them.
Why this night was different, she did not know - perhaps it was the stress and exhaustion of the past days. She was cold and afraid and so, so alone, without mother and her siblings. She had company, cats who cared for her and kept her warm. Cats that made her feel okay. But it was not mother, nor her siblings, and not knowing where they were or if they were okay had only fed her anxieties. Or perhaps it was sleeping next to her two companions, a warmth with no set conditions, just care and fear, that had changed. No matter what it was, it had caused her dream to feel so, so real, and the memory of it didn't fade, engraved in her mind instead.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
She opened her eyes with a sharp gasp, cold seeping to her very bones, water everywhere around her. Her frail body barely holding afloat as she forced her legs to move, to paddle and swim, despite never learning how to. Yewkit tried to look around herself, but it was dark, not even stars shone up in the sky. There was only the moon... Yewkit let out a scared yelp - where there should have been the moon, there were instead two. Round and yellow, almost too yellow, like the color of her eye. And then the moons blinked and Yewkit realised they were no moons at all, but instead eyes of mother, looking down at her intenstly, like a hawk.
Yewkit realised she had forgotten to breathe when her lungs started to hurt, reminding her to take a gulp of air. But she had also forgotten to swim and instead of air, all she could inhale was water as her body sank lower.
Why'd you have to leave me? Plague's voice echoed all around the kit. Who will keep you safe now?
Yewkit thrashed and fought, trying not to get overtaken by the water, her small body slowly, but surely rising. Her vision blurry and clouded, but she broke through the surface, gasping for air to fill her tired lungs. She had no idea where she was, no light illuminated her surroundings - she could only hope she would blindly find something to hold onto soon, before her weak muscles stopped obeying her.
Fight, or else you'll die mother's voice ringed in her ears. Your "friends" owe you nothing - don't expect them to save you
She fought back tears, saving her energy only for breathing and swimming, where to she wasn't sure. Her paws led her towards mother's eyes, hoping she would be there, in the distance, ready to fish her out. If no one else could save her, at least mother always would. She had to.
But even as Plague's form appeared, she moved not to help her child. "You left me. How can I save you if you left me?" Her voice was sharp, laced with pain and regret, and Yewkit sobbed, wishing she could change everything. I'm sorry, she wanted to say, but when she opened her mouth, only water streamed in and no sound came out. I'll do better, her eyes pleaded.
And then she was on the shore, suddenly no longer drowning. She shook and coughed out water until her throat felt raw and her lungs stung and then she lifted her head, looking for mother.
She was alone.
Plague was nowhere to be found, the moons back in the sky, staring right at her, watching her every move, ready to jump at the nearest opportunity to correct her bad choices and wrong behaviour. What was there to do but press on, then? Yewkit fought back the exhaustion, the pounding in her head and ringing in her ears, and stood up. She walked, this time away from the moons, the eyes staring fangs into her back and she dared not turn around, of fear of disappointing them.
She walked in the darkness for what felt like eternity, when, suddenly, she heard hushed voices and felt herself step onto something. And then there was light, as if the darkness never existed and she was back in camp, her clanmates all around her. Why were they staring? Yewkit lifted her paw and felt something stuck to it - looking down she realised. She was standing on cared for earth, plants growing in neat clusters, all ones she could recognise from the healer's den. She was standing on the medicine cats' trampled herb garden and she was the culprit that has ruined the precious herbs. She realised she was smaller, her legs not yet as long as she was used to these days, and Yewkit remembered she was invited here by Meadowpaw to talk. And now she has ruined everything.
Before Yewkit even had the chance to react, rushed pawsteps approached her, firm and steady. Yewkit looked up with wide eyes, ears drooped in fear and shame, only to be met with Meadowpaw's face frowning at her. "What have you done?" she asked, voice clearly upset. "First you come to us to complain and whine, and now you destroy our medicine?" The healer shook her head in disappointment and Yewkit wished she could just disappear.
Mother's voice echoed in her ears, then. Make one wrong step and you won't be forgiven. We're not one of them, we're mere outsiders. You cannot rely on them to not leave you when you prove too much trouble to handle
Yewkit knew mother was right.
And just as quickly as the light appeared, darkness overwhelmed her once again and Yewkit was left with nothing else to do but press on. Soon she's walked for yet another eternity, her pawpads numb and cracked, yet she could not stop, too terrified of the moons behind her swooping towards her to snatch her away, should she dare misstep. Yewkit almost tumbled to the ground when her legs grew shorter in an instant, her body smaller. Like when she was younger, having received her name just few days prior. The kitten found herself back in camp, walking towards the fresh-kill pile, with clear intentions.
A memory etched itself into her mind, as if it had just happened, Talon, a much smaller and frailer form of him at least, grabbing a small swallow from the fresh-kill pile. A desire to follow him, to sit next to him. One moment she was looking into the fresh-kill pile, the next she was approaching the tom, a mouse in her jaws. Quietly, she sat next to him, not close enough to crowd him, but near enough for company. Yewkit crouched, ready to nibble on her food, when a sharp exhale tore her from her thoughts.
"What d'you want, kit?" Talon stared at her with a narrowed eye, tail lashing. "Scamper off somewhere else."
Yewkit could do nothing but stare, frozen in shock. Her breathing quickened, her heart thudded loudly in her chest, threatening to break. She felt like a small kitten, scolded for being bad, for making a mess. For being too much. Claws glinted as Talon unsheathed them, though raised not his paw. Merely stared at the kitten.
"Go now, 'fore I lose my patience."
And so Yewkit ran, ran as fast as her legs could carry her, the camp around her blurring into darkness again, yet she did not stop. She could not stop, the moons staring at her, laughing.
Don't expect closeness if you have nothing to give in return. Mother reminded her. Love is not given freely.
Yewkit ran until her pawpads bled and still she did not stop. Only when her body collapsed and she gasped for air did she stop, opening her eyes to find herself in a field. Her head spun, dizzy and exhausted, and she realised quickly she was in the temporary camp, as rain dripped on her pelt. Despite running for what felt like forever, Yewkit found her legs not exhausted, though shaking nonetheless. She heard pawsteps, approaching closer - Meadowpaw? Talon? She heard them laughing, saying her name. As if they weren't looking for her to help, but to mock her. Like she deserved, though it ached no less.
Control yourself. It was no longer mother's voice only - it was Yewkit's own, mixed with Plague's as one. You're the only one you can rely on. Don't let them see you like this.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
Yewkit woke up trembling, tears forming at the edges of her eyes. She wanted to wail, to scream, to howl into the night, but she was only Yewkit. Small and weak and way too aware of everyone sleeping around her. Instead, she decided, she would go for a walk, to clear her head. Nearly stumbling over her shaky legs, she slowly made her way further from those that kept her company, only allowing herself to weep when she was a good distance away, too far for anyone to hear her.