Merrystalk Merrystalk
And you'll say get up, get out of this town.
And you'll say get up, get out of this town.
WindClan
Moor Runner
Council Member
TW // Dissociation, survivor's guilt, mentions of a panic attack (tail end at this point) & descriptions of the sensation of drowning
Paws slammed against frosted ground. Dark clouds overhead, not as bitter and cruel as those before the flood, but warning of the Leafbare to come. Almost a visage of the storm that brewed within Windclan camp.
The longer the gale guard ran, the more he could feel his grip returning on his own thoughts, the more he felt pulled into his own guilt and shame, clawing about his throat. It was sickeningly familiar, but reassuring in some morbid way. It was his own thoughts again.
And yet, he ran.
In the face of his clan's turmoil, he turned and ran like a coward. But Stars, he couldn't stay there, not with that writhing sensation of something not his own writhing in his mind. It felt surreal, but it was impossible to deny.
Merrystalk's head throbbed, overwhelmed as he ran and did not pause until his paws hit solid stone. He'd only heard of this place in discussions; he'd never been brought there, but Merry found himself clambering up the Highstone, mindlessly following the wind.
The gale guard, near enough collapsed as he came to a stop, a wheeze bubbling from his chest as he hacked and coughed in a desperate attempt to catch his breath. He thought he had healed well enough, but nothing was quite right with him since that night. Merrystalk had to remain there for some heartbeats, forcing his chest to wheeze longer breaths, squeezing his eyes tighter and tighter. Finally, another huff, he finally pried his eyes back open.
It felt like ringing in his paws, some awful sensation, not quite pain, but it still knit a tension expression against his maw. But that wasn't his focus; he hadn't come here intentionally, but he knew what was here, and his paws began to wander as he sought the thing he knew so little about.
Even with the ringing in his ears, the tortie was acutely aware of how quiet everything was; the wind whispered past, rustling his pelt, but otherwise his mind had been cleared. A bittered laugh slipped through his maw, a sudden wave of exhaustion overtaking his whole being as he padded slowly further up highstones. He had no idea what it was he was looking for, but he was certain this stone wouldn't be impossible to find.
And, to no surprise, he quickly stumbled upon the thing that he had heard held so much power; the moonstone.
A great glimmering thing, like the stars and moonlight accumulated into crystalline form. Any other day, he would have been in awe, but just the sight of the thing, his chest sparked again. That fury alit yet again, but this time there was no cacophony to suffocate that rage. It surged through his body, Merry nearly doubling over again as it spilt at the seams, eyes welling in tears.
"Why?" He spat, voice echoing in the cavern, disorientating, but it wasn't enough to make the gale guard falter. "What did we do? What did I do?" He shook his head, that visage of the star pelted cat crossing his mind, Breezewing speaking kind promises, that it wasn't his time, his bravery to be rewarded.
"What'd ya' do to me? I can't even face my own clanmates when they needed me most. I-I thought I did the right thing-" Merry's voice broke, taking a step back as he shook his head. "No, No, I did the right thing. I don't need ghosts to tell me to save my clanmates, I'd do it all over again even if I knew ya' wouldn't have saved me." He clutched his eyes shut, his head still throbbed from the cacophony of emotions, not his own, forced into his mind as he couldn't even process his own. Shoulders slumped as his voice grew defeated. "Why me, why save me? Why did ya' let me live, Molewhisker shoulda been the one to get a second chance, not me. I don't deserve-" His voice cracked, he couldn't bear to speak it, but the silence that hung heavy in the air was telling enough.
Merry heaved a shaky breath, looking to the moonstone with bleary eyes. "Ya' brought me back wrong- I- I don't know what Breezewing did, what she gave to me, but- But I've been useless since the flood. Dimmin' tries to tell me I didn't die in there, but I know I did. 'cause I ain't the tom I was before then, I died 'nd ya' brought me back wrong." He hated it, the fact it had been on his mind since he realised the changes in his mind, in how he acted and how cats treated him.
The gale guard slumped before the Moonstone; it was all too much. Even as he had run with the awful tigtness about his chest, now it just seemed to seep out all at once. He never had the heart to tell another cat what weighed down his pelt, what had plagued his thoughts since the collapse. But a moment alone, a moment where everything had accumulated on his shoulders with that same suffocating feeling, not being able to keep his head above water.
Merry's shoulders shook as he curled up tight about himself. Like he could be as small and unseen as he often tried to be in the barn. It felt easier to be unseen, easier for his own emotional turmoil not to be another issue in the many his clanmates faced. He couldn't make them take on that weight. Merry had held it in for moons, for the sake of his clan, to protect them, to prioritise them. They needed strength; all they had now was disarray.
He remained curled like that for a while; he didn't sleep, even as his eyes grew heavy. The gale guard knew he would have slept long, far too long, scared his kin and clan. He listened to the song of his own heartbeat, the thunderous thrum lulling slowly to a normal sort of rhythm as his eyes dried and breathing began to even out. Even so, he didn't move for some breaths longer.
Still lying there, his gaze finally dragged up, shimmering eyes meeting glimmering crystal, he finally spoke again, voice weak and strained, but he tried to speak clearly, directly. "I've been tryin' to follow yer guide, since Dustystar got her lives, since I watched her come back to life. I-I never once doubted y'all's power, but- Fuck everythin's been pushin' em to the brink." He peered about his shoulder, in the direction of Windclan camp. His home. "The stuff y'all do seems nonsensical sometimes, but I have to trust there's a reason. Else why the hell 're we doin' all this? Y'all gave me a second shot at life fer a reason. Gave me this- Emotional sensin' thing fer a reason. Stars, maybe that's why I been gettin' a gut feelin' when 'm askin' folks stuff. I-I'll try my best with it, okay. Just."
Merrystalk's eyes welled again, part the reason he ran, part the reason he hadn't processed, all in the wake of his own self-loathing, the reminder of what was to come lodged a lump in his throat. He pushed to his paws, looking upon the Moonstone with the plea of a gale guard. "Protect 'em. Please." His voice broke again; the floodgates he usually guarded so close were in ruins, but with a crystal, he couldn't feel the eyes of another cat as he instead prayed to their ancestors. "Not just my kin, all've 'em. Please. I know they're scared, furious even. I felt it, all of their anger fer Skyclan, fer the decision to steal from cats we don't know if they're gonna attack us on sight."
Just the thought was dizzying, the cumulation of a clan's surge in fear and fury swelling in a growing argument, pressing against his skull. He shook his head, as if to discard the unpleasant memory. "'nd I couldn't help 'em now, but I just need to know my clanmates'll be okay. They're all I have, we're all we have. We lost everythin' once, we nearly lost everyhin' again. 'nd they're scared one've our own had been killed, but that don't mean I want to bury any more've my friends."
He finally stood, face still soaked in tears, but the tom pleaded once more. "Just please let 'em all live. I won't ask for a miracle, for 'em to realise this is dangerous, they're all as stubborn as I am, but I know none've 'em have had to face death in the eyes, 'nd I pray none of 'em will on that patrol.'"
Merry's voice answered back to him for a moment, before disappearing, before falling silent. It hung in the air. Merry didn't try to fill it, instead letting himself compose himself. He considered his friends at camp, how furious Hollow had been at the idea of stealing from Skyclan, Meadow desperately trying to diffuse the situation, how unmoving his brother was in the whole matter.... His face bittered a little; he and the rest of the council hadn't been privy to the idea, nonetheless, his own apprentice was going without him.
He let out a breath, looking to the Moonstone with a sigh. "Good sunhigh." It only felt polite to greet the spirits good day. He had no idea if any had heard his outburst, if any had watched over him for however long he had lingered in the cavern, but they were privy to his polite gestures too.
But the gale guard hesitated before speaking again. "'nd Molewhisker, if ya' can hear me, 'm sorry this happened. 'm sorry yer name was used in an argument like that. We never got along, I know, but no one deserves to be martyred for a fight they never would've wanted. Rest well, I'll take care've yer flowers."
He gave a watery smile before dipping his head and turning away, and leaving the cavern.
Merry was not proud that he had to explode in the way he did when overwhelmed; it wasn't the first, but there was still something that had shifted in his mind. Clearly so, he had managed to work himself through something in the past; he would have been right there in camp, exasperating. For once, he felt level-headed. He knew returning would be suffocating again, the tension, the pressure.
But it had dawned on him that maybe it's why he was given such strong empathy all of a sudden. Merry knew he was a hard-ass, ignorant and made shit worse. But in the noise, he found a small clarity; it was a start, but he wanted first to talk with Hollowmumble and Meadowpaw- Starclan. He needed to apologise to Meadowpaw.
He looked over the moors, guilt writhing beneath his pelt, finally racing from hard stone to smooth earth and rushing grass. Back home, back to try and fix a mess not his own. Maybe he had died, maybe he did come back different, not wrong, but different all the same.
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MERRYSTALK He/Him, Windclan Gale Guard, 34 moons.
A lithe, tortoiseshell cat with green eyes and pelt speckled with rye grass.
mentored by none // mentoring Talonpaw
sibling to Goldenroar and Sunnyspring
NPC x NPC / parent to no one / mated to Harefoot
"SPEECH" // "THOUGHTS" // ATTEMPTED ACTION // EMPATHY DETECTION // ALETHIA DETECTION
penned by Pheo ↛ phoenixwashere on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
