Private innocence lost // flowercloud

[Teaselfeather Teaselfeather]

TEASELFEATHER

Over hill, over dale, through the valley and vale do not weep, do not wail, I am coming home to you

They missed how things used to be, when laughter still echoed through the clearing and their family still felt whole. But deep down, Teaselfeather knew it would never be that way again. Those had been the dreams of a kit.... Foolish, fragile dreams of unity and warmth. Dreams that didn't survive the cruel truths of the world. The world wasn't kind. It never had been. It was sharp-edged and merciless, rewarding only the strong. And Teaselfeather was tired of pretending not to see it.

They had withdrawn from their Clanmates, from the chatter and light of camp. Even Hawkstar's once-inspiring presence felt… dimmer now. Everything did. The colors of the forest seemed muted, as though grief had washed them all in gray. " ...Mama? " The word was a whisper, barely carried on the air. Their voice trembled like a leaf in wind as they peered into the medicine den, mismatched eyes wide and weary. ThunderClan had taken so much already. Rosebelly. Their trust. Their peace.

How long before the world came for the rest of them too?

" ...Mama, are you up? " They stepped quietly inside, heart hammering, breath uneven. When they saw her, the air left their lungs in a rush. They hurried forward on unsteady paws, pressing their face gently into Flowercloud's fur, drawing comfort from her familiar scent. They stayed like that for a long moment, just breathing, feeling. When they finally spoke again, it was soft as rain. " C-can I get you anything, Mama…? " Their voice cracked halfway through the sentence, heavy with worry, with love and with the quiet, unspoken fear of losing her too.

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[flowercloud]

All Flowercloud had ever wanted was to lead her children to know that life was hard, but know the softness of it- to embrace the kindness, the positives. She tried not to dwell on the fact that this last year now- which was hard to believe it had been a year- she had disappointed them times and time again. Not only did they lose their home, they lost their father, their siblings, everything they knew and loved too.

And for a time, they lost their mother.

Even if Flowercloud had curled around Teaselfeather, her paws keeping them close when they finally joined her in the warriors dens- it was not the same paws that once curled around them and pulled them close into one pile at her belly. No... These paws were large, and bloodthirsty. But now? They still felt stained as Owlbarks blood painted them. Every lick, it didn't feel like enough.

Once upon a time, she would never have dreamed of hurting another cat. And now she had.

Mama? Mama, are you up?

"Yes, my little one, I'm here," she replied softly. Even quiet, the deputy could hear her child, and groggily, the mother lifted her , casting a gentle smile through sleepy eyes. They rushed forward, and Flowercloud bit back the wince, lifting a large paw to pull her child closer to her, wrapping arm over their shoulders and pressing closer. Cygnetscratch had left, yet her scent remained even after Flowercloud returned from talking with Hawkstar. Now, Teaselfeather was here, and each time they looked at her deep wounds, they showed fear and grief. "No, my little petal, I don't need anything except my family," she purred. "I am okay, I promise. It's okay, don't be scared." She knew it wasn't easy, but she cood as if they were still small, tiny- and she spoke so softly as if her voice hadn't been hard and gravelly before.

It was true though- she had found herself again.

flowercloud - 36 moons - skyclan deputy - mentoring none

 

[Teaselfeather Teaselfeather]

Let me die, let me drown, lay my bones in the ground
I will still come around when the time for sleep is through
Over hill, over dale, through the valley and vale
Do not weep, do not wail, I am coming home to you

.

Teaselfeather watched the molly with worried eyes, mismatched hues searching her face before they swallowed hard. Nothing made sense anymore. Somewhere along the way, they had lost the soft edges of the kitten they once were, that quiet innocence they'd held so dear. They were still gentle, still tender at heart, still far more fascinated by the whisper of wind in the leaves than the clash of claws. Often, they found themself watching Swallowbreeze work, her paws sure and graceful, and a small, subtle smile would find its way to their face.

But peace had become a fragile thing. Ever since they'd come to this new home, blood had soaked the ground far too often. Cats fighting cats. Clan against clan. And why? Why couldn't they live side by side, as the stars surely intended? They weren't blameless either. Grief and anger had twisted inside them once, for their brother, whose laughter they would never hear again. That rage had frightened them. It wasn't who they wanted to be. They had trained hard since then, not out of hunger for battle, but out of fear, fear of being powerless again.

" Mama... " The word left their throat in a trembling whisper as their gaze drifted over her wounds, ears flattening tight to their skull. Their sister had been here too, their sister, who seemed to be changing before their very eyes. The warmth she once carried was dimming, replaced by something sharper, colder. It broke Teaselfeather's heart to see it. With a soft breath, they pressed close to Flowercloud, curling against her flank and squeezing their eyes shut. They were so tired of loss. So afraid of what would come next. Would they see Rosebelly's face again, hollow and wandering among the stars? Would there come a time when Cygnetscratch and Flowercloud joined him there, leaving Teaselfeather behind in a world that only remembered ghosts?

" Everything feels so wrong, Mama.. " they whispered at last, voice breaking. " Ever since we came here... Hawkstar killed someone. Is that really the Warrior Code? Is that what we were taught to protect? " Their voice trembled, softer still. " And you... You've been here, but not really here. I understand why, I do, but... I'm scared. I'm scared for the future. "

They buried their face into her fur, words muffled and aching. " ...Is this what it means to be a warrior? "

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15 MOONS

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[flowercloud]

Her whole family changed before her eyes. Teasel had always been quiet, but they always had a scared look in their eyes. They were even more hesitant, and for them she blamed Crow. Crow did everything in his power to not let Teasel play with him when he was around, and Flowercloud wished she stopped trying sooner to change someone when he clearly didn't want to be changed or care.

Cygnet had left, and her scent still curled around her- but she spoke eerily too. Shed turned barbed, but Flowercloud didn't want to see that- she saw the worry, the fear whether Cygnet wanted to admit it or not. She ignored the red flags, because what was she supposed to do as a mother? She only blamed herself for it all- herself for allowing Crowsight to continue the rampant path longer than he should have.

Maybe she should've left when he had shown her how little he cared about them starting a family.

Teaselfeather curled into her coat, voice trembling her name- and Flowercloud huddled into them trying to ignore the pain. Though it wasn't easy anymore with adrenaline far from faded.

Everything feels so wrong Mama, and Flowerclouds heart shattered with each trembled word, each bated breath. Is this really what it means to be a warrior? Flowercloud let out a shudder of a breath, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger- I lost myself, and I never wished for any of you to see me like that. Losing .. losing your brother broke the vessel of emotions that I tried to keep contain. I.. I'm sorry, little one. I .. wish the hate, the fighting, the bitter resentment that your father held could've never been felt. I've always tried to shield you guys from feeling pain, from feeling anger- but... I... I lied in doing so. I shielded everyone too hard, and lied. I never blamed them for hating me, what could they believe if I lied once? But I didn't think that it would lead to this road we've trudged along these past seasons. I'm so sorry, little
bud." Flowercloud let out a soft breath, knowing her words weren't the best, knowing her ability to comfort in her children's states weren't easy. She wished she did better, but she did what she could.

"This is the worst part of being a warrior, my love. We were clouded by grief, but the life for the life wasn't fair. I do regret that... That I let that happen. I would've never allowed that in the right mindset I have never cared for unnecessary violence. I prefer the softness of life, the joys of it. Like raising you and your siblings back in the gorge. I miss those days, but.. we were brought here by starclans will. I think... There was a purpose. Maybe... We were meant to reach these clans of starclans ways. But I am not sure." She murmurs, her chest rumbling in an attempt to purr as she brought a tongue in between Teasels ears, gently licking the top of their head. "I'm so sorry, but I cannot regret bringing you here with us or your siblings. I hope In the future I do better for you guys. " I hope.. she thinks. When I lead, the clan remembers love and care, rather than fear and remorse.

flowercloud - 36 moons - skyclan deputy - mentoring none

 

[Teaselfeather Teaselfeather]

Let me die, let me drown, lay my bones in the ground
I will still come around when the time for sleep is through
Over hill, over dale, through the valley and vale
Do not weep, do not wail, I am coming home to you

.

Teaselfeather closed their eyes, simply listening to their mother, trusting her completely. She had brought them into the world, raised them to be who they were today. Perhaps Teaselfeather was flawed in some ways, never as bold as Rosebelly or Cygnetscratch... But they hoped they brought their own quiet strengths to SkyClan. And then there was their other sister. A twinge of pain brushed across them at the thought of those lost, a frown settling on their face before they lifted their gaze to Flowercloud as she spoke.

Crowsight had never liked them. That much was clear, even if they wished it hadn't been. " Why did Crowsight hate me so...? " they whispered, soft and uncertain. " I... I tried to be a good kit back then, but no matter what I did, he always gave me that look... And then turned to Rose, Cygnet, and Lavender instead. " Their muzzle nuzzled lightly into Flowercloud's mane. She had lied to protect them... To shield them from pain, from anger, from truths too harsh to bear. Teaselfeather frowned, the thought lingering for only a moment before they brushed it away, unwilling to give it weight. It was a ghost of the past. They were here now. Even if sometimes the world startled them, even if shadows reminded them of those long gone. Even if he saw the dead linger on the earth since they had came here...

" I was angry then... I thought it was just anger at first for Rosebelly's death... But when it happened.. " Their voice wavered, hesitant. " I... I did not like seeing what Hawkstar did. The blood that stains SkyClan now... That's not us, right? " Their owlish eyes gazed up at their mother, full of hope.

When Flowercloud said she did not regret bringing them to this new place, a small smile bloomed across their face. " ... It has its beauties... Even with the cats who clearly have no clue what they're doing. " they murmured softly.

" I never blamed you, mama. "

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15 MOONS

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