Private Said goodbye || admitting

[flowercloud]

Ok one last ugly post, will fix all this later //
@Rosepaw @cygnetpaw @Teaselpaw @Noia

A long days travel, and they were still here in the gorge. It made her uneasy to rest here, when the travels through were risky already. Her heart still banged against the cage of her ribs as she thought about the fact this area scared her. Her- who rarely ever showed the fear, but it wrapped around jerky motions, or startled jumps.

Her breath escaped slowly, as she called for her children. It was so hard to call them 'kits' anymore, the words rumbling so forced as she turned it to calling their names towards her. With a greeting, she'd nuzzle against those that would let her, before settling down to huddle against herself. Fur flooded, trying to gain warmth in the bitter night with the sun drowned over the horizon.

"I'm sorry, for the lack of words earlier. You guys are my everything. You deserve more of an explanation, than I've given." Regret drenched her features as if she woke up suddenly, if she could sweat, she would probably be soaked in it, in the nervousness she felt now.

"Your father and I broke up, just before the journey. I tried- I really tried to have him come. But, he failed to realized each of your strengths. He stated I was bringing you to your... Deaths. That being here, in Skyclan, would kill you guys. But I won't let that happen. He refused to come, and in turn... Decided it was in his own interest to try to take one of you along. Unfortunately, that is the only explanation I have as to why he tried to take you back to the twoleg place, Cygnetpaw." Her words were soft, green eyes searching their own eyes, ears pinned back in dismay. Her heart wrenched as she thought about making the journey with Crowsight beside them, finally enjoying their presence as she had. But he cared not of them. He cared for his own safety, and he made that clear, she felt.

"I didn't want to upset you guys. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

 

[Teaselpaw]

TEASELPAW

Over hill, over dale, through the valley and vale do not weep, do not wail, I am coming home to you

Teaselpaw listened with a quiet understanding, though they couldn't help the way their eyes widened just a tad bit, the words sinking into their mind like a certain weight trying to pull them under... They knew Crowsight wasn't a large presence in their life, they knew that the other often returned to their two-leg home, under the impression that the kits were good with their mother... And yes, Crowsight hadn't been there when they left... But they thought the other would join them too, just like Cygnetpaw had believed. Surely the other wouldn't have just left them behind... But as Flowercloud stood before them, they realized... That Crowsight would not rejoin them... The words echoed in their mind, and in their own sense they hurt... Crowsight had never been quite taken by the young chocolate torbie, but now they feared they would never have a chance to create a bond with their father.

Perhaps it was their silence that had caused the other to be so cold to them.... Perhaps their silence was... A problem to others. It caused their ears to flit down for a second, eyes finding their siblings in an almost questioning matter. They felt their fur bristle faintly, born out of confusion and fear. A small shake to their resolve and contentness of being quiet. Crowsight had left them all. Their mismatched hues meet the ground, unable to look their mother in the eyes, throat tight.

Did Rose, Cygnet and Lavender feel the same kind of betrayal and uncertainty? Did they feel like they were tredging uncertain waters...? There was a hurt that pooled in their eyes as they gazed down at the ground, body tense. But their mother was here... Their siblings were here, atleast. They hadn't left. They wouldn't leave... Would they? A small noise of sadness was given as the torbie pressed themselves against their mother's fur, seeking reassurance, as fleeting as it could be. Their body shook slightly, enough that they were certain their mother would feel it... It wasn't out of anger, it was the feeling of being l o s t... And wondering why things had to be the way it was.

Their heart felt so very small for all the emotions that cropped up within it, and as strong as they had tried to be, for now they just wanted to know whether they still had each other. That what they had here wouldn't fade away. That this... This would stay.

"We still... Have eachother, right...?" the voice was quiet, hesitant to be heard.

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[Rosepaw]

Oh, I can't stop feeling I want her love ♡

The chocolate tabby is quiet as Flowercloud speaks, he doesn't want to be having this boring talk, he wants to be ahead with Hawkstar running into the distance to new lands and seeing all the new things. He didn't want to be on this journey, the young cat misses their camp and home he never got to fully explore, but his curiosity can't help but be intrigued by all the strange sights.

I tried, she says, and his fur bristles around his neck - lion-like and making his already long coat puff up to inflate his size, "You...you should have tried harder! He should be here with us! He should be here!" There was no way he would just abandon them without a fight. Rosepaw does not know the battle his mother went through to keep them with her, doesn't understand she did what was best for them in his youthful sense of injustice. All he can think about is how they lost a father and weren't even told why until now, until it was too late.
Rosepaw remembers distinctly now, the conversation with Cygnetpaw (then Cygnetkit) where she claimed their father tried to convince her to stay with him. He had not tried to speak to Rosepaw, nor to his understanding, any of the others and it made him suck in a sharp intake of air in anger. Was their father trying to save them from having to make this journey at all? Could they have stayed with him instead? The lynx point isn't sure what he would have decided if given the option, but he is furious he was not granted the choice regardless.
"Was he trying to just take Cygnetpaw away? Why not-why not me?" Shrill voice cracks at the realization of favoritism, of feeling unwanted. Teaselpaw utters a quiet question seeking comfort and he whirls on his brother with fur rising along his back and small white teeth barred, "Apparently not!" With a haughty huff and pivot on his hindpaw he was turning around and storming away, chocolate striped fur rustling in his haste.

But all my dreaming is not enough...

So in the mornin', the sun will rise

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ And I'll wake up and she won't be-MINE

• 

  Rosepaw

  
  — Apprentice of SkyClan
  — He/Him
  "SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
  — Chocolate Sepia Tabby w/low white & blue eyes.
  #ef6c71
  
  

 

[cygnetpaw]

Cygnetpaw blinks the fatigue from her eyes when she hears her name. Unlike her brother, she is grateful for the pause; her paws are still learning to accept the rough terrain beneath them and ache with every step. It must be easier to be excited for this journey, she thinks, when his mentor is the leader. (She has nothing against her own mentor, though he is a bit hard on her sometimes.) Still, she is one of the first to settle in beside her mother and absorb the warmth she gives off.

That is - until the bomb is dropped on them.

Her mother and her father... aren't together anymore? Cygnetpaw doesn't like how much that makes sense. Their tense discussions, his nights growing more and more spent with his twolegs than with SkyClan... it's not until Rosepaw says it that she realizes, too, that he had tried to steal them away, steal her. Was it because she was born sickly? Because she was so hopeful for life that he wanted to snuff it out? Teaselpaw whimpers from their spot beside Flowercloud and Rosepaw raises his voice in indignation - but black winged Cygnetpaw is starkly silent.

She has to be misunderstanding something. Something is wrong, and maybe she's still sickly and the words aren't making sense. It makes her stomach roil to think that if they waited another day, she would have gone with Crowsight; that she wouldn't have seen her family ever again. It makes it worse that in this moment, she wishes she didn't have to, anyways.

"You... lied to us...?" she says, finally. Rosepaw snaps no different than a dog and Teaselpaw stays clustered to Flowercloud, perhaps the only one of their litter eager to understand her hardship. "You lied... to us! You both did!" Cygnetpaw says with a sputtering fury, a cough following it in her chest. Maybe she is sick. Her brother moves to storm off, and she swallows the muck that's gathered in her mouth, feeling no more comforted and no less dejected than before. She grimaces and shakes her head; this is too much for her. This is too much.

"I'll see you for - for patrols, Flowercloud," she tries to maintain a level of brevity in her trembling words. Who does she even go to about this? Does anyone else know - or are they the last to find out? Cygnetpaw does not give her mother the respect she deserves for the honesty she holds. She leaves, her tail dragging in the sand and dirt.

 

[flowercloud]

Flowercloud had only wanted them safe. Had only wanted their heads to be held high in bravery, courage- she knew she should have expected strength, but she understood. She understood the feeling of not feeling wanted. Of feeling abandoned. This, having a family, having some to rely on, to love- even moons down the line, it was still all new to her. She had been abandoned in Skyclan before her eyes were opened. But that was far easier, than being abandoned by a parent- be it that she wanted to lie to protect them. You should have tried harder! Rosepaw was right. She should have tried harder, she shouldn't have- she should've convinced him to come with. She should've, maybe.. maybe they should've stayed there. Maybe, in the home of a twoleg place, perhaps their paws wouldn't be so sore, and Cygnetkit- Cygnetpaw could've had the help for her sickness- But she did try. It was when he held that they would die over her that she snapped. He is not a good man. Not like he once was. "Y-you're father changed, I-I," couldn't change him. I couldn't help him realize our strength. He broke my heart too- I didn't, I didn't want him to break yours too. But he did. She did. She broke them. Her voice was quiet as she tried to speak, but Rosepaw continued. And his words was cutting into her heart. It was hard to breathe, her chest tightening and her throat drying with the rise of anxiety. Her heart thudded in her ears, green eyes wide and frantic. Teaselpaw tried his best, her tail curling into the body pressed against her side, though not much more comfort could come from her as Rosepaw snapped that they did not have each other. The words burned, her mouth opened, and shut, a dryness in her eyes burning as she attempted to try to dispel this, but what could she say? How was she supposed to fix this, now? You... lied to us...? "Im... I'm sorry! I was... I was trying to protect-" your hearts. And she was screaming. The following cough made her stomach drop. She wanted to hold them both to her golden brown and white pelt. She wanted to rasp her tongue over their ears, their shuddering forms, tell them everything was going to be okay. She wanted nothing more than to take this all back. Change time- she could've dealt with him longer- but if only they seen the toxicity he displayed. The threats and narcissism he held, but they were young. They didn't... Couldn't understand... Cygnetpaw thought of Crowsight of a hero. I'll see you for patrols, flowercloud. She couldn't help the tears that fell from her green eyes, her teeth chattering and the tightness in her chest, as they turned away from her. As they left her and Teaselpaw, and their family. Her throat burned, and she fought back the wail- the wail to make them understand. "I tried, I- didn't want this," but her words were quiet. A symbol of strength, the amber point could not hold her trembling paws up anymore. And she collapsed, tears escaping quietly from her eyes as she gritted teeth together in pain. Only Hawkstar and Duskpool knew. She dared not tell too many, she dared not lament her tragedy, she never did. As she looked to her chocolate and cream child, she pressed her head into his shoulder, her whole body trembling as she fought the sobs that threatened to escape. "I'm... Sorry. I'm so sorry, t-teasel-." Please, just don't blame yourselves.

flowercloud ❀ 28 moons ❀ deputy ❀ she/her ❀ pinterest ❀ deidre

 

[Teaselpaw]

TEASELPAW

Over hill, over dale, through the valley and vale do not weep, do not wail, I am coming home to you

Teaselpaw wouldn't say they didn't miss their father. They did. But the truth was, Crowsight had never really paid them much attention. Perhaps that made it easier to accept his absence now, easier to believe that maybe they just weren't worth the trouble for him. And yet... it hurt. Stars, it hurt so much.

But at least they still had their mama, right? Flowercloud was still here, wasn't she? That thought was supposed to be comforting, but Rosepaw's voice cut through like a thorn, shattering any sense of security.

He should be here!

Rosepaw was screaming, his words filled with pain and accusation. Teaselpaw froze, their breath catching as their brother's raw anguish spilled out. Crowsight should've tried harder. He should've fought for them.

" Why not me? "

The question hung in the air like a cruel echo, piercing Teaselpaw's heart. Sad, mismatched eyes darted toward Rosepaw as they instinctively kneaded the ground, desperate to find some way to comfort him. They took a tentative step forward, trying to close the distance, trying to convey the love and support that words couldn't seem to carry.

But Rosepaw's next outburst stopped them cold.

Apparently not!

The harshness in his voice made Teaselpaw flinch, their throat tightening as they choked on their own name for him. " Ro-- " The word barely escaped before their voice was swallowed by the lump in their throat. They watched in helpless silence as Rosepaw turned and bolted, his grief and anger trailing behind him like a storm cloud.

Teaselpaw's gaze darted to Cygnetpaw next, but there was no solace there. Their sister's expression was unreadable... She was conflicted, angry, hurt and it only made Teaselpaw feel more lost. When Cygnetpaw turned on Flowercloud, calling her by name instead of " mama, " something shattered within Teaselpaw.

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening.

The words, the tension, the anger, it all blurred together as Cygnetpaw, too, walked away, leaving only silence in her wake. Teaselpaw's heart hammered wildly as they stood frozen, their ears pinned back. Slowly, their wide, tear-brimmed eyes shifted to Flowercloud.

Their mama.

She was trembling, her face wet with tears as her body sank under the weight of grief. Flowercloud had only ever wanted to love them, to protect them, to hold them together. She'd been their warmth on cold nights, their steady voice of comfort when the world felt too big. She was their mama.

A small, broken mrrp escaped Teaselpaw as they leaned into the furry body of their mother. Flowercloud's sobs tore at their heart, and though their own emotions felt like a tangled knot, they knew what they needed to do. Gently, they rasped their tongue over her ear, a quiet gesture of comfort as they pressed themselves against her side. Much like mama always did for them when they were sad, when they were upset, when they... When they needed comfort...

Please... Please don't cry, mama...

The words never left their maw, but they echoed in their heart as they stayed by her side, offering what little comfort they could. Even as their siblings' anger and absence weighed heavily on them, Teaselpaw clung to the one truth they could hold onto: no matter what, Flowercloud was their mama. And she always would be.

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