Did every leader feel this way? He thought of Loonstar who once carried herself as if she were one harsh gust from toppling. Even though her body now stood tall, her grief still peeked forward. In sadness when she announced Serpentberry's death. Even when she looked at him, despite her anger there was a glimmer of sadness. Dustystar? He may not speak much with her, but he knew her announcements exposed her regret and sorrow. The gray molly loathed sharing loss and weakness. She carried herself in a similar manner to Hawkstar. Hawkstar who would kill for those she loved, but not out of hatred. It was merely done in exchange for the life lost. A fair judgement so to speak. As for Sablestar? The cunning tom appeared untouchable, but when it came to Loonstar? There was longing. The older tom was grieving just as the rest of them.
"Everyone has regrets. Everyone grieves. Leaders aren't immune to emotion. Some are just better at holding themselves together for the sake of others. It's in solitude that we can fully feel our grief, regret, frustration, and rage."
The answer doesn't invoke joy, but it certainly makes sense. Leaders are at the helm of their respective clans. If they allowed themselves to break down or fly into a rage freely their clan would feel unease. How could they place their faith in someone who was unable to control their emotions? Would their leader's rage be turned towards them? The life of a leader is truly one of restraint.
The wind blows, sweeping her long fur in haphazard directions. The loud roar causes the trees to creak, green eyes temporarily averting to the trees on her territory swaying in the distance. Ears flick, an indication that he is listening as she attempts to assuage his regret. There is truth in her words. He had done everything in his power to save that kitten, and yet they still passed on due to his foolishness. All because he allowed ShadowClan to run off with their herbs. His best friend nearly died bringing those kits to this world, and when they were born, they were all sickly. One of them died shortly after. He remembered holding Wavesong and comforting Jinglemoon who had done everything with scraps of herbs to work with.
However, there is one thing she says that reminds him of a peculiar tom within their clan. One who had just become a warrior a few days ago.
"The one who died was a kitten. My best friend's child, my murderer's mate. Shellkit had the same fur as I did."
What reason did StarClan have for taking a kit? With a sigh, he tears his gaze away from the trees to the river. There he can see his reflection.
"An apprentice approached me many moons ago. He shared his belief that everything was set in stone. His destiny, one that he loathes, is not one he could ever escape from. I hated hearing it. If his belief was true, then I wouldn't be in this forest. I would continue to live as a kittypet and die as one. I refuse to believe Shellkit's destiny, her purpose was to die. If only I had been wiser, she would be playing among her littermates and asking her mother for stories."
Sharing the knowledge that he once had been a kittypet didn't bother him. Everyone within his clan knew where he came from. For her to learn this fact was not detrimental. If anything, it would paint a clearer picture. Of why he didn't carry himself in the same manner as the other leaders. The cruelty of the forest and beyond had hardened them, prepared them for leadership. As for Pikestar? He grew up having a comfortable life. It was only when he was almost two years old that he left that life behind. More than half his life now was spent wandering the dangerous unknown that would lead him to the Shipyard, and eventually the forest where RiverClan now resides.
If she felt bad for being unable to cheer him up, the only thing he could offer was a small strained smile.
Thank you. You didn't have to say anything. We're from two different clans after all.
As he waited for her answer, or at least a word, it felt strange to be stared at so intently. Usually when others stared at him for an uncomfortable amount of time they would share their disagreement or if this was Galerunner… He would spend a good chunk of time dissecting riddles and answering them as best as he could. However, he doesn't feel discomfort when she looks at him. What it is that he feels is something that can't be named. In any case, he focuses his efforts on kicking his other limbs to keep himself afloat while she decides what it is she wants to do.
When her paw reaches out to him, he almost takes it. The only reason he stops short is because she finally spoke after a good bout of silence between them. Green eyes take note of her gentle smile and folded ears.
Trust… You? He tilts his head to the side, as if asking what she meant by that?
"H-huh? How would I s-,"
a loud high pitched yowl leaves his maw when she grabbed him and pulled him onto land with ease. A little too easy in his own opinion, but she was double his size and she had to be leagues stronger than she looked like (beyond her cloud of fluff).
He remained on the shore, frozen in silence. Dare he say he forgot how to breathe. Green eyes refused to look up. His own nose twitched from the much stronger scent of SkyClan on this side of the territory. On their side.
Wait. The only warning Flowercloud is given is the rapid flicking of his tail before Pikestar awkwardly twists to face RiverClan's territory across the river. It's a sight he's never seen before and for good reason.
I'm not supposed to be here. His frame begins to tremble, his agape maw struggles to decide to remain open or closed. Green eyes widen in horror. Silver fur bristles from fear.
"H-h-h-hawkstar is going to kill me. There's no way she isn't! How am I going to explain this?! If she won't kill me then Frostmoth will! I'm not supposed to see this. It's supposed to be the other way around."
His lungs began to ache, causing him to remember to breathe. Loud gasps of air fill the gap of silence between them. That is until, Flowercloud is only a whisker away from him. It doesn't occur to him that she may have been trying to get his attention. Whatever words were being said fell on deaf ears.
What did happen was a sharp inhale of hair that progressed into coughing. She had startled him.
Maybe she was patting his back to help him? He wasn't sure. A sliver paw waved at her as if to say he was fine. Eventually, when he finally recomposed himself… He found himself staring quite intently at her face, even as he rose to his paws. His head craned upwards due to their size difference. She was beautiful. That was a given, but it was not what drew him into staring. What did was their closeness. The only time they could be this close was at fourtrees. Anywhere that wasn't their respective territories. SkyClan's scent had already engrained itself into memory. He never would have known the distinct scents had he not been pulled onto their territory.
If she was saying something… Unfortunately, it would be cut off by a silver paw touching her face. Pikestar merely tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, pupils turning into slits. The touch lingered for a short moment before he pulled away, looking down at the paw that had touched her.
Warm. Before she could stop him, he would touch her again. This time... His paw lingered.
