TW: Sensitive Content Backwritten Territory I'm under construction || dimming, meadow

[Talonpaw]

{$title} Anxiety, anger lashouts, ptsd & trauma mentions | before rain event, day after herb patrol

Talon had left Meadowpaw. Maybe she wasn't alone- she had Staggerdance. But it didn't make it any easier. His body shook, piercing blue eye violent. What if they got attacked? It wouldn't matter, not when he had been so close to hurting her himself. He didn't understand himself, and the frustration began to claw at him, bite into his flesh.

He couldn't get the vision of her tears out of his mind.

Twice. Twice he's made her cry. Once, he's made morningpaw cry. The two cats he's grown closest to, and he's hurting them. Idiot. Meadowpaw and Dimmingsun had been asleep when he returned. At least it seemed that way, he didn't care enough, slipping in on quiet paws and dipping into his nest. But the morning after, as they talked and sorted herbs, he watched carefully with his blue gaze. Blank, emotionless, but what could be different? It was normal for Talon.

You hurt me child. And what did I tell you? You use those to survive, not play. Do not dig your talons into me, again. His mother warned, blue eyes looking down on him, his head dropping in simple obedience. Okay mother. He had returned. Because he was taught that sorry was for regret, that sorry meant you cared. And caring was dangerous. Caring would get him killed. If he cared, he would rely on somebody- and lose his life, and her scars proved that story. So of course, he listened. He listened, he followed, until the child he once was was gone.

He cared about his mother, and losing her destroyed those feelings. She was right after all. Tears slipped down his cheeks, his tiny form sniffling as he leaned against a tree bigger than he could have ever imagined. His belly rumbled, his throat dry- caring almost cost him his life.

Suddenly, Talon began moving, slipping past the medicine cats without a word. He moved past his usual spot, moved past the makeshift burrows of dens. He didn't stop, he couldn't stop. Rage curled in his stomach, his taught lips spreading into gritted teeth, his pupil slitting in anger. If he already lost life because of emotions he barely understood, why did it matter if they cried? He didn't touch them.

His body shook as his breathing began to quicken again. It took hours to get under control the day prior. His claws flexed underneath each step, before a snarl ripped from his jaws and he struck obsidian talons into a stump near him.

He tore, he ripped- his throat felt raw from the snarls and growls that escaped his body. His muscles sore as the sun moved across the sky and time passed. Shredded pieces of bark clung to his pelt, his paws, and littered the grass around him. His eyes showed the distance and cold he felt.

He shouldnt care. He didn't. He didn't care.

He paced, moved back and forth across the small area. His tail whipped behind him, lashing. His claws protruded from white spotted paws, and Talons head lowered, his body twisting as he turned and turned. He'd leave. He had to.

It wasn't safe for him.

It wasn't safe for... them.

@Meadowpaw @DIMMINGSUN

​

Talon he/him, windclan 8 moons old.
black tabby with dark greyish brown undercoat and white underbelly. white crest on chest, and scars lining left side of face, blinding his right eye. icey blue eyes and white that is slowly starting to streak his features. Back scars non-existent for now.
mentored by Merrystalk // mentoring none
littermate to none
NPC x NPC / father/mother to none / mated to none
"speech" // "thoughts"
penned by Deidre ↛ deidre on discord, feel free to dm for plots. Art by PurpleCandyCorn.

 

[DIMMINGSUN]

Dimmingsun is not blind to the tension that has crept between Meadowpaw and Talon seemingly overnight. There is something he's missing for sure; the two of them had seemed to hit it off so easily that Dimmingsun often left them to their own devices instead of trying to interrupt. Meadowpaw has a way of wrapping you around herself like that. It only makes sense that Talon had succumbed to that very same fate, given how similar his appearance in WindClan is to its now-medicine cat.

So, when they seem to avoid each other and only talk in curt words that get bit at the edges, Dimmingsun can't help but notice. He hadn't said anything about it yet, hadn't intervened with the young cats' business—they may be able to figure it out for themselves. A little quarrel never hurt anyone... as long as it doesn't get out of control. It had not affected Meadowpaw's work or Talon's behavior, so Dimmingsun had opted to wait.

He would be lying if he said curiosity doesn't eat away at him. It would be easy to throw an innocent question at Meadowpaw... to emphasize his worry. That would not be a lie. But Dimmingsun wonders if he ever encroaches on his apprentice too much; due to her grief for Gladebloom and her prior desperation with being an asset to her Clan, she may feel like he owes her something and try to please him every step of the way. He thinks it had been obviously established that Dimmingsun owes her, really, but he won't cast this concern away until he is certain it isn't an issue. Growing close in a short amount of time—much like she had done with Talon—does not mean they know everything there is to know about one another.

Dimmingsun notices it when Talon slips away, likely wishing to be unseen. That's when his curiosity gets the better of him at last; it feels wrong to sneak upon a cat who is technically not even a Clanmate yet, but Dimmingsun ought to gain more information. Perhaps this goes deeper than a mere misunderstanding between young cats. Perhaps he can help.

There's a long gap between Talon's departure from the den and Dimmingsun's own exit. If not necessary, he will not disturb Talon, so he decides to hang back and observe from afar. Keeping his body close to the ground, Dimmingsun makes sure to remain unseen as he watches Talon from a hiding spot, remaining downwind and letting the sunset's colors blend his colors into the moorland.

Shock punches through him. Talon has an outburst—one that seems directed at himself. Dimmingsun doesn't wince as those claws rake through the poor bark, but he knows the feeling, and can almost feel it creep up his own forelegs. It had hurt, no doubt; Dimmingsun can see that Talon had been at it for quite a bit. His tsk remains quiet; he should have followed immediately... he could have stopped the poor tom from hurting himself in this fashion.

Or maybe he would have made it worse.

Regardless, Dimmingsun doesn't waste any more time in letting Talon suffer in silence. There is every possibility that his concern won't be appreciated; Talon could easily snap at him for shoving his nose into something that doesn't involve him, and Talon would be entirely in the right. Still... still. Dimmingsun thinks it's worth a try. Talon had been pleasant to have around camp. It would be a shame to allow him to extract himself without another word.

"Talon."

Dimmingsun's voice is calm, effective. He braces himself for whatever may come... but first, he allows confusion and sympathy show through his expression. He regards Talon- not with pity, but with care. That is precisely why Dimmingsun doesn't ask what Talon thinks he is doing. There is no room for accusation here.

"...you're hurting."

A mere fact. Indisputable.

Dimmingsun hopes that Talon gets the message: he isn't talking about physical hurt here.

 

[Talonpaw]

with his blind side towards Dimmingsun- and too absorbed into emotions (because having those would wind him up dead), he hadn't noticed the medicine cat. The voice breaking the silence besides the ruffling of a breeze against windswept grass makes Talon hiss, rearing back and pulling his muzzle into an ugly distort of angry emotions. Of course, of course he hadn't noticed the other- because mother was right and having emotions left him blinder than just the one blind side.

He whipped his head to the side- forcing his face to relax, to turn off- to instead stiffen and curl in on himself as he did not face Dimmingsun as 'youre hurting' spilled from the toms jaws. A hard swallow, but Talon could not face the medicine cat. He could not bare the look- the stare of green eyes with emotions he could not understand.

You're hurting.

Hurting? His face- it was still sore, it stretched when he moved his features- but it wasn't physical pain. Perhaps ego? But he didn't know what that meant- perhaps... He looked at his paws, his blue gaze flicked then to the stump. The tom did not mean physical pain. His tongue rolled in his mouth, his tail moving slightly to curl tightly around him. The tabby flexed his toes into the dirt, grinding his teeth together before inhaling.

" 'm not hurtin'-" he started, pausing. Was it a lie? He didn't know. He couldn't admit he was hurting. " I hurt meadowpaw." The words burned his throat, his ears air planing behind his head as he ground his teeth together again. The sound hurt his ears, but he wanted his toes to remain planted. If he tried to run... Dimmingsun could easily stop him. Bigger, stronger- probably faster. "She ran at me." He explained- and his voice was blunt. "I reached for a flower, an' she ran at me. I felt like..." His tail flicked. "I felt like when I faced the raccoon. After it took my eye-" he explained. "I thought she was goin' t' hurt me. An' I almost hurt her in return. What if I did, Dimmin'?" He asked suddenly, turning his head to face a fierce blue eye to him.

"I'm not fit for the clan- an' meadowpaw shouldn't have t' worry over me. I made her cry. She cried, because I reacted. An' she doesn't deserve that. I almost hit Branchkit- but I didn't. I didn't- but what if I did? Dustystar said I could stay- but I don't want chased off like peonypaw was- they chased peonypaw. I seen it, I seen-"

How can I keep my children safe if they know what I've done? The words made him stop in his tracks and he stiffened, before turning away. He was talking too much. He was saying too much. His jaws snapped shut and he ground his teeth again. "Peonypaw is back- yes, but. Peonypaw is stronger than me. I can't be here, Dimmin' and I need t' leave before Meadowpaw sees me and cries again. Before I hurt her again."

​

Talon he/him, windclan 8 moons old.
black tabby with dark greyish brown undercoat and white underbelly. white crest on chest, and scars lining left side of face, blinding his right eye. icey blue eyes and white that is slowly starting to streak his features. Back scars non-existent for now.
mentored by Merrystalk // mentoring none
littermate to none
NPC x NPC / father/mother to none / mated to none
"speech" // "thoughts"
penned by Deidre ↛ deidre on discord, feel free to dm for plots. Art by PurpleCandyCorn.

 

[Meadowpaw]

MEADOWPAW

x

When Talon ran off, she chose not to go after him. Then, it felt like the right choice. He was upset and so she gave him space. Things didn't go back to normal after that, but she couldn't apologize yet. All she could do was make small talk and wait and try not to make it worse like she always seemed to do. Meadowpaw prayed that he wouldn't end up like Merrystalk.

Talon wasn't visibly any different, but he was quiet again, the way he'd been when he first started staying in WindClan. That hollow look on his face made him seem so unreachable, so far from her grasp. She didn't realize how far he'd opened up until the moment he shut all those doors and withdrew from her altogether. Talon was right next to her throughout the day, yet she missed him terribly as if he'd been gone for moons.

There was nothing she could do, so she tried to focus on her work. He was upset. She understood. He wanted to be left alone. She could do that. Tomorrow. She would talk to him tomorrow.

The day passed slowly, agonizingly so, before she finally settled into a light slumber. Anxious thoughts tumbled around in her head. Anything her mind could use against her, it did.

A soft scuffle against the dirt flood was enough to wake her. Meadowpaw opened her eyes, pushing through the fog to look around. The dimly lit interior slowly shaded. A breeze drifted into the den as a tail disappeared through the curtain.

Right away, she checked the other nests. Dimmingsun's was empty, and Talon's too. An uneasy feeling stirred in her chest. Being alone in the medicine den at night, with both of them gone… gone to where?

She slipped outside, scanning the clearing before spotting Dimmingsun striding out of camp. He moved at a pace she couldn't quite match, but she went after him anyway. At least he was large enough that he was hard to miss, carving a path through the grass for her.

Meadowpaw caught up just in time to see him with Talon. She stayed back, close enough to hear what was being said but far enough not to interrupt.

I hurt Meadowpaw.

That's wrong! I hurt you. She was the one at fault for what happened. She yelled at him. If he had hurt her, she wouldn't have been angry. After what he'd been through, she could never blame him.

Meadowpaw wanted to burst out and tell him as much, but he kept talking, and she was too dumbstruck to interrupt him. His fear, guilt, and feelings about what happened were laid out in a way she was sure he never would've shared with her. He could tell Dimmingsun all that, but he couldn't tell her?

I can't be here, Dimmin' and I need t' leave before Meadowpaw sees me and cries again. Before I hurt her again.

She couldn't believe what she heard. Before she could think better of it, Meadowpaw stepped out into the open, nearly tripping herself as she did. "You're leaving?" Her heart jumped up into her throat. She stood there, trembling, fur ruffled from sleep. When she speaks up her throat is so tight, strangling the words as they leave her. "I was crying because of what I did, not because I was scared of you hurting me!" She blurts out desperately. "Those flowers were poisonous, I-I just didn't want you to get hurt, so I panicked. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" The look on his face when she startled him was burned into her mind. She wouldn't let herself forget it either. A medicine-cat shouldn't lose their head. Gladebloom was always calm, even when everyone else wasn't, but for some reason, she couldn't live by her mentor's example no matter how hard she tried. It feels like her emotions are an unquenchable wildfire, flaring up at the worst moments. Even now, she can't get a hold of herself. The breath flutters past her lips. Her are watery and frantic. She can never fully be in control of herself, and she hates that. Meadowpaw wished she could be more like her. More than that, she wished Gladebloom hadn't left behind a space she couldn't ever possibly hope to fill.

"None of that was your fault, so why should you have to leave?" Now she knew that letting him run off had been a mistake. Again, she messed up just like she did with Merrystalk. She was selfish. Stupid. Pulling away from him when she needed to be reaching out. If she didn't do something now, he was going to be gone forever...

Talon always seemed to go along with what she wanted. He bent to her needs, and she tried so hard not to burden him with her feelings. If she told him how she felt, she was scared he'd pull away even more. Or worse than that, he'd reject her entirely. Leave like so many others in her life had. Sometimes she couldn't help but be greedy, and now was one of those times.

"You're talking like you're some monster I need protecting from, but you're not! I worry about you because you're my friend! Because I care about you, not because I feel like I have to!" Hearing Talon talk about leaving shouldn't have scared her as much as it did. That was always the plan. He would stay until leaf-bare was over. He hadn't outright promised, but he said he would, and that'd been good enough.

If he really wanted to leave tonight, there was nothing she could do to stop him. Did he plan to leave without even saying goodbye? If that was the case, she almost wished he had raised a paw to her instead because it wouldn't have felt nearly as bad. "I-If you ever think you've hurt me, then you can just say you're sorry and ask me to forgive you. If you're confused or sad or angry with me, then you can tell me. I promise I won't cry again or yell at you." What else was there? What could she say to make him not want to leave? "If you really want to leave, then just... don't use me as your reason and don't go without saying goodbye. I-I can't handle any more of that. I can't!" Meadowpaw knew she must've sounded like a spoiled kit throwing a tantrum. Kicking and crying, trying to get her way. She knew it was wrong, but it was better than begging him not to leave like she wanted to, wasn't it? Less selfish than outright telling him she loved him and that the idea of him ever going away scared her to death, right?

If he wouldn't stay even after she apologized, then at least he could give her that. Maybe then her heart would be able allowed to mend someday after he was long gone.

x

I BELIEVE THAT THERES COURAGE

BUT ITS BURNIN' LIKE ASH IN THE WIND

x

WINDCLAN

MEDICINE CAT APPRENTICE

10 MOONS

SHE/HER

Meadowpaw values kindness and remembrance. As a kit, she internalized her mother's lessons, but questioned whether her way is the only way. She has broken free from the heavy burden of her mother's expectations due to their estrangement after the fire. She remains kind and soft-spoken through all she's endured, but is not afraid to speak out for what she believes is right.

Meadow works tirelessly at any task she undertakes, desperate to prove herself capable and worthy despite her disability. Without her mother's guidance, she finds new ways to express herself.

In conversations, she is gentle, thoughtful, and withdrawn, often hiding her struggles, fearing others seeing her as incapable. She continues to have a strong bond not only with her sister, but with her adopted family as well. Meadow uses her new freedom to support and deepen the bonds with her clanmates. Additionally, she has started to explore the more spiritual side of herself…

Her worldview is a complicated mix of hope and frustration. She wants to believe that there's hope at the end of all the suffering, but feels trapped by her limitations. With enough time and support, she may find a way to overcome her limitations and accept herself.

 

[Talonpaw]

He kept being caught off guard. It was proving more of a mistake to let emotions take control. For when he was facing the grass, gently blowing in the breeze, their points only staying where they were due to where their roots planted them- he heard Meadowpaws voice. His body shifted- leaned away, his lips revealing in the tight grit as his teeth pressed against each other. but his blue eye betrayed him, and he found himself looking at her as the words escaped her throat.

See, she was hurting. Again. Because of him. His heart lunged in his throat, but he swallowed it back down. She did not give him an opportunity to speak- what could he say anyways? How long had she been listening? How long had she been here? Questions he could not ask because he should have already known. He should have been aware. She left her feelings on her sleeve, and Talon rolled his tongue in his mouth- muscles rippling underneath his pelt as he tensed.

"Y' did nothin' t' me, but like y' said- try t' protect me. Which-" he was cut off, she likely wasn't trying to hear his excuses. Wad that what they were? He wasn't sure. But with that, he settled his features, listening despite his pounding heart telling him to run. His paws dug into the grass, trying to intertwine them with the ground, trying to find some sense of control over himself as he felt... Cornered. Threatened. But he remained.

He remained because of exactly what she thought. He couldn't argue with her. He couldn't tell her no. How could he? How could he tell her to her face he wanted to leave, he needed to?

"You're talking like you're some monster I need protecting from, but you're not! I worry about you because you're my friend! Because I care about you, not because I feel like I have to!" And talon didn't want to argue with her. But he couldn't help the way his paws suddenly moved him closer to her, the way his teeth bare. Her friend? What did that even mean? Why did she care about him? What did he end up doing?

"I am a monster! I am dangerous, why don't you get that?" He begins to snarl, but then she continues, unflinching as he bit his teeth together. She continued and his teeth ground underneath his snarled lips distorted. She spoke, and he was mere whiskers from her muzzle- looking down on the other with all the anger in the world.

But his lips ended up falling. His pounding heart beat like a rabid animal against his chest. His blue eye searched... The way her tears sparkled from the rising sunlight against green of her eyes made everything in his suddenly vulnerable. Suddenly exposed.

And meadowpaw continued to spit her feeling back at him, and his head finally slumped, the place between his ears brushing against the fur of her chest underneath her chin. "...'m sorry," he murmured, a distortion in his voice cracking- before he swallowed hard. A thick ichor swallowing down loudly. "Yer right. Ya.... Y' don't deserve me leaving without a word." He barely managed to whisper it. So many thoughts, it was drowning him. So many....

"I don't understand what I feel. How am I supposed t' know. I feel.... Anger. I feel-" he cut himself off. He didn't want to admit fear. He didn't- he couldn't. He wouldn't. "They were different colours. I didn't see what y' said well enough. I can't see well." But he had to make everything seem fine, as if he wasn't missing half his vision. He couldn't let them think him weak- and how could he explain that??

"I.. don't want t' leave, Meadowpaw. But..." His chin lifted, level with her face, blue eye peering into teary green. "What if I do hurt y'? Then what? I can't take being chased away. How... Am I supposed t' protect myself? "

​

Talon he/him, windclan 8 moons old.
black tabby with dark greyish brown undercoat and white underbelly. white crest on chest, and scars lining left side of face, blinding his right eye. icey blue eyes and white that is slowly starting to streak his features. Back scars non-existent for now.
mentored by Merrystalk // mentoring none
littermate to none
NPC x NPC / father/mother to none / mated to none
"speech" // "thoughts"
penned by Deidre ↛ deidre on discord, feel free to dm for plots. Art by PurpleCandyCorn.