Wavesong had promsied him that they would hang out today. He would be lying if he said he wasn't a bit uncertain of her promise, considering it was difficult to get someone to look after them. That is why when she approached him, he couldn't help but smile. A chuff rumbles from his throat as she brushes her flank against his.
"You act like you haven't seen me in moons!"
He quickly brushes his own flank against hers, reciprocating affection. It had been some time since they hung out. For obvious reasons.
"No. Thank you, I know how hard it is for the kits to let you go."
Pricklekit whined when I had to tell them no. No one really tells you how hard kits can truly be. When it came to hurrying up due to prey getting ready for Leafbare, he nods. And so, the two set off together.
A comfortable silence settles between them as they pad side by side. At the mention of Iciclepaw's training he smiles,
"He's doing pretty good! He's still on the shy side, but he's really grown this moon. I remember when he used to crane his head to look at me. Oh, and trust me when I say you haven't missed much. Unless you count Pineheart and Frostmoth sighing when I do something silly in camp as important? Thankfully things have been gotten better."
His guard is down. He is happy. When she pressed a bit closer, green eyes shifted to meet blue.
Huh? What's going on? He didn't wait long for an answer.
The moment she asks how he is, his green eyes widen. his paws are frozen on the spot. He does not turn to look at her. She was trying to be humorous to make him feel at ease, which is not the case. He can appreciate her attempt, but already he thinks of golden red fur. The wretched feelings he kept buried were beginning to claw at his gut, demanding he give into rage and grief all the same. Of the stupid mistake he made back then, kissing the man who left him. Of confessing of feelings that hadn't quite gone away. Then, from the same clan... Windclan, he started talking to Dimmingsun.
The medicine cat was amusing and he found himself wanting to speak to him more. It seemed like the Windclan medicine cat was amused by him too. Unfortunately, he was reminded of the fact his former love was on the same clan. Part of him wanted to march to Dustystar and tell her that their neutrality was through, but he knew it would be out of pettiness. The other part wanted Riverclan and Windclan to become allies so he could inflict hurt on Goldenroar. However, he could only think of Meadowpaw and Dimmingsun. He cared for them and did not desire to seek vengeance out of pettiness. The ones who would suffer would be his clan, and they've suffered enough.
Nevertheless, he refocuses his attention to Wavesong. She speaks of Leafbare. How it would be their first. She assumes that his burden is merely Leafbare. It's not. There is much he's hidden from her and from everyone else. Why? Out of cowardice. He could only image the looks of shame cast upon him for his questionable decisions. When he turns to look at her, she is smiling.
I'm sure he would be happy that you can still smile like that. The image of a brown tom worms its way into his mind for a second before he shakes his head.
"I'm... I'm actually not super worried about Leafbare. I am worried about all of us having enough food and having herbs sure, but when I think about all of us in the Shipyard... I can't help but feel like we'll be okay."
He doesn't elaborate. All of them lived together in the Shipyard for moons. Even longer than they lived here in their new home. He recalls the lack of shelter in the Shipyard. One Leafbare the shelter he had stayed in had it's roof blown off. Not only was he terrified, but he was drenched instantly. Even though he practically dragged by Willowburn to her shelter with Smokewreath, he still got sick. He spent a whole week ill. They had no medicine cat at the time. The cats who took care of him only made sure to keep him warm and give him water. He wasn't too hungry that week. It was difficult to believe that they lived in the Shipyard for so long, yet there was proof that they lived it.
Was it so wrong to be a little relieved?
The silver tom looks at her. There is a long silence that passes between them. Before she can say anything else, he finally speaks.
"I've done some things you won't approve of."
There is a shift in the air as he closes his eyes and grimaces.
"Do you know Goldenroar? Windclan's deputy? He... We were mates."
The news must be surprising to her. After all, he never shared his love life with others. When he arrived to the Shipyard for the first time, he excluded Goldenroar from his story. It had been too painful to talk about. What happened was still recent back then.
"I ran into him one night at fourtrees. He apologized for leaving me in the middle of the night. He was distraught thinking I was with someone else, waiting for them at fourtrees. It was obvious he still had feelings for me. Then... He asked how I felt about him. If I waited for his return."
What do you think of me now? "I told him the truth. That my feelings hadn't gone away, and how I waited for him. Wavesong, I made the mistake of kissing him."
She need not look to hear his regret. However, if she looked into his now open green eyes... She could see the war raging within. Love was a complicated thing. Not once did Pikestar ask her if she regretted loving Adder, nor did he ask her if she still loved him. Even if things ended the way they did... He can say without a doubt that Adder loved Wavesong more than anything. The love shared between them was mutual and it was beautiful.
"He asked if we could try again due to my mistake. I asked him how? How would he prove himself? Why should I trust the tom that left me without a word? And what if our clans? I have a duty to Riverclan and I wouldn't abandon it. When I asked if he would leave Windclan, he looked conflicted. In the end, we left without confirming anything."
