TW: Sensitive Content Backwritten Border RC Where the sea meets sorrow // Adder

[Wavesong]

{$title} It is the 16th of July and Wavesong is bringing the body of their daughter Shellkit to Adder.

I hope you know we had everything
When you broke me and left these pieces

.

The night had been unforgiving. The day had left her feeling hollow. Wavesong had known, deep down, that she would have to let go of Shellkit. That her daughter deserved a proper burial and she knew RiverClan would have given her one. They would have honored her. But something deeper, older, more instinctual pulled at her. The sea. The sea that had cradled Coral in her final rest. The sea that had once been her home. The sea where she would now return, with her third daughter in tow, no longer with the living...

She had asked Littlebrook to deliver a message to Adderf-- No... No longer Adderfang. Just Adder. To meet her at a spot near the RiverClan border, quiet and familiar, where they could be alone. Littlebrook had hesitated, protested at first, but Wavesong had been adamant. Firm, though gentle. Her eyes said more than words: this is something I must do myself. Many clanmates had offered to go in her place. She'd met each offer with a tired smile, a kind word of thanks, and a quiet refusal. She understood their worry. She truly did. But some journeys must be made alone. This would be the first time she'd see him again. Her mate. The father of her kits. The cat who had been exiled. It was cruel, she thought, that their reunion should come under such a heavy sky.

RiverClan had shown her grace, held her up when she had nothing left. They'd stood by her through Shellkit's death, through her heartbreak. But the grief remained, clinging like fog, and she carried it now in her tired limbs and aching heart as she padded forward. Peachtrot and Hydrangeabloom had woven a beautiful little basket for Shellkit, lined with moss, adorned with delicate shells and flowers. A tiny cradle of rest for a life too short, too fleeting. Wavesong had gently laid her silver-furred daughter within it. Every step since had been a farewell.

She had promised her kits she would return safely. Especially to Crescentpaw, who had begged to come. But she had pleaded in return: not this time. If there was a next time, Stars willing, she would not go alone again. If there was a next time. The trek had been long and grueling for a queen who had kitted not so long ago. But she took her time, stopping when needed. Each break, she would check on Shellkit, touching the downy fur, brushing away leaves that dared to settle near her. Sometimes she smiled. Often, she cried.

Then she walked on.

And now, at last, she arrived. The spot was quiet. Lonely. Familiar. The wind whispered across the reeds as she set the basket down with trembling care, her chest rising and falling with exhaustion and anticipation. She didn't look up. She was afraid of what... Or who she might see. " ... I am sorry fer callin' ye here on such short notice, Adder… " she murmured, eyes low, her voice brittle and thin in the open air. Then, finally, she glanced toward the scent she knew so well and her heart cracked. Those golden eyes. Still sharp. Still beautiful. Still his. Her resolve nearly broke.

" I… I didn't know how t'reach ye otherwise. Littlebrook... She didn't mind helpin'. I would've done it m'self, but… " She gestured faintly at her form. The weariness. The weight. Her kits. " I couldn't. Not with me current situation… " A shaky breath. " … Ye look terrible. " she added softly, and though the words were blunt, her tone was not. It was weary, tinged with something too raw to name. How was she to push this basket forward now? How could she look him in the eye and say that one of their children was gone? That their daughter, his daughter too, would never laugh, never swim, never open her eyes?

There were so many reasons things had turned out like this. So many cracks that could have been mended. So many moments where someone could have truly listened, without fangs bared and claws out because they didn't agree.

All of it… and now, this.

" I needed t'see ye… " she whispered, swallowing back the sob that clawed at her throat. " I have a request… "

Speech, thoughts/emphasis

37 MOONS

𖧧

RIVERCLANNER

𖧧

SONG

𖧧

bio

 

[Adder]

ADDER

x

He paces, tail whipping through the air as he trudges back and forth, wearing the grass out. When Littlebrook came to him, he knew Wavesong sent her. He came running as he would always do anytime she called for him.

Once she arrives, he stops and whips around to face her. Being apart for even a few nights was torture. Not knowing when or if, or if she would even want to see him again. All he could think about was her and the kits. Were they safe? Were they getting better? Now that she is there, he wants so badly to crawl to her and fall asleep at her paws. To just close his eyes and be done with this nightmare.

The first thing that came from her mouth was an apology. Adder takes a step forward but stops himself. His jaw parts to speak, but he can't force the words. They stay trapped in his head. All the things he wants to say tumbling together. What did you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who needs to be sorry. I missed you. I miss our kits. I love you. I love you so much.

"I-I'm the one whose fault it is that you had to come out here, so don't... He takes a step forward, but no farther. The guilt feels like it might crush him, bearing down with more strength than he can carry. The depths of her eyes were hollow, bled of the spark that he adored. Her fur was glossless and whipped like dune grass and she was worried about him? "Is Jinglemoon takin' care of you and the kits? Darlin', you look like you might blow away with the next strong wind..." With everything wearin' on her, it was no wonder. Adder knew much of that was his fault. He knew, he did.

What else could he say? Nothing he said would be enough to mend it. He can see it—feel it. A rift growing wider. Was it because of what happened? Because of what he did? What was so different now that they couldn't talk about it? Couldn't get past it somehow? She knew about his past, or as much of the nasty bits as he could stomach to tell.

Even if he couldn't stay by her side, that wouldn't change how he felt. He wouldn't dare ask her forgiveness, not after what he's done. That said, he still wanted to be there for her, in whatever small way he could. If she never wanted to see him again, if she told him never to come back or that she didn't love him or condemned him like the others had? Well, he wasn't sure his heart could take it. He would respect whatever she wanted, or at least that's what he tells himself.

He tries to meet her eyes, but he can't hold them for long. Adder sets his jaw, eyes falling to the ground as he braces for the worst. Only then does he notice the basket, which until now was just a part of the scenery. There is the scent of flowers and reeds and something else…

Then Wavesong says she has something to ask of him. His heavy eyes tear from the basket to finally meet hers. "Of course. Anything hun, just ask." The knot between his ribs twirls tighter. What is it behind her words that makes him feel so uneasy?

x

THE SPLINTERED MAST I'M HOLDING ON

WON'T SAVE ME LONG

x

ROGUE

✗ EXILE

36 MOONS

HE/HIM

✕ Chocolate ticked tabby w/ amber eyes. Peppered with scars. Deep gash across the right side of his face, exposing one canine slightly. Missing left ear.
✕ Deep gravelly voice that might unsettle others.
✕ Former RiverClan LifeGuard
✕ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted. For other powerplays, DM.
✕ Fur smells faintly of blood and seasalt.

 

[Wavesong]

I hope you know we had everything
When you broke me and left these pieces

.

Her eyes drank him in, her mate, her Adder... The tom she had loved for moons, who had lain by her side, who had whispered to her under the stars. Her mate, who had caused such bloodshed. Who had broken so much trust. Yet she couldn't see anger in him, no matter how hard she tried; she didn't believe it, couldn't. Every step he'd taken had been out of love for their family, she knew this deep in her chest. He had always loved them with his whole heart. But in that love was the flaw, wasn't it? His heart had room only for them. Everything else... Everyone else came second. Or worse, didn't exist in his eyes at all.

She drew in a trembling breath, tears springing up before she could stop them. His voice, rough and desperate, spilled questions like a waterfall, and she didn't know what to answer first. She wanted to hold him, to silence the ache in his tone. Jinglemoon was caring for them, of course he was. The kits were being looked after, always. Even if… even if Shellkit… Wavesong swallowed hard. She knew Jinglemoon had done all he could. She did not blame him. But the ache of it burned still.

" I… " she began, voice cracking, eyes slipping away from him, away from those beautiful hues she'd once trusted above all else. They fell instead to the basket she'd brought, her paws curling faintly around it.

When she spoke again, it was a whisper. " I love ye… so much, Adder. " Her throat felt tight. " But what happened… ye shouldn't have… ye shouldn't have tried t'kill someone.... Kill someone... If he weren't blessed with th' stars he would've been dead... I would follow ye t'the ends of th' earth, were it only me. But th' kits… RiverClan is safe. They will be loved there by many cats. Even if ye don't see them as such, I do… the young'uns without parents, the kits left behind, I see them as mine too. They're my crew, m'family. And yer still a part of that… but… " Her voice broke. She shook her head, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before opening again, damp and shining. " …Ye can't come back to RiverClan. An' I can't come with ye... "

Her paws moved before her heart caught up. She bent down, lifting the basket. Her body trembled as she padded closer and pressed her forehead to his, a soft, desperate bump of affection. Then, carefully, she set the basket down and nudged it closer. Inside, curled and still, lay the tiny form of Shellkit. " Don't… " Her voice cracked, quiet as a prayer. " Please don't blame anyone. Not right now. I… I don't think I can take it. " Her paw brushed over the kit as if smoothing invisible fur, her eyes not leaving Adder's face. " But I want ye… I want ye t'take her to th'sea fer me. Take 'er to Coral. Please. "

Speech, thoughts/emphasis

37 MOONS

𖧧

RIVERCLANNER

𖧧

SONG

𖧧

bio

 

[Adder]

ADDER

x

When her trembling lilt finally breaks the silence, its to tell him she loves him. He can't help but feel a small gust of relief in his chest. At least that hadn't gone away, but he knows better than to think it'll end with that.

But what else could he have done? What else could've helped them? Pikestar wasn't doing anything to help his family. All he would do was stand in the way of what needed to be done. Adder isn't proud of what he did. He let his anger get the better of him and it reared its head in the worst possible way.

"I know." Wavesong was right. Always has been. The only thing that could ever keep him on the straight and narrow, but there aren't enough rights in the world to fix his wrong.

He knew when he looked down at his bloody paws that he wouldn't be able to go back, and his family couldn't go with him either. Adder knew how selfish he was to come crawling home, causing her nothing but pain, but he couldn't help it. So at least he wouldn't be selfish with their kits. Once upon a time, he liked to think the safest place for their family was with him, but that wasn't true anymore. He couldn't give them the safety and stability RiverClan could. The way he grew up wasn't what he wanted for them. Even if they wanted to come with him, then what was all of it for? Everything they gave, all the blood and tears shed building a haven for their kits would be wasted.

What was it that he had been afraid of? The clan provided in ways he couldn't. ShadowClan's attack aside, there was no better choice. It hurt knowing that the safest place for them was now away from him...

He watches Wavesong bend down, lifting the basket off the ground. The faint creaking of its fibers makes his fur prickle. He doesn't pull from her touch when she leans in—he drifts toward it, like a sprout reaching for light, clinging to the only source of warmth it's ever known. But when his eyes finally drop to what rests inside, he understands what she's been bracing him for all along.

Adder used to wonder how his pa survived. It had been so long ago Adder could barely remember what he was like before. Did losing his ma and then his siblings harden him? Turn him into the cold, no-nonsense tom that pushed them along until he finally left them behind? He'd always believed it was for their good. Adder knew that much about his pa. Still, he always told himself he'd be a better father. He would do better by their kits. Thought he already had...

"What… what is this?" He can't wrap his mind around what's there even as he stares straight at it. He traces the outline of his daughter—so small and gentle, a diluted version of his mate. She rests so peacefully in that basket, sleeping soundly despite the chill in the air. Adder steps forward, chest shuddering as he comes closer, legs growing unsteady. Sorrow coils tight around him, constricting him, squeezing the delusions right out of his head.

"No… no…" Swallowing feels like trying to force jagged stones down his throat. "How did it happen?" No, he knows exactly how it happened. Adder remembers again just what it was that terrified him. What he was willing to kill to keep from happening.

Why? What was it for?

Adder hoped that some good could come from it. If he thought of it like a sacrifice, then at least he could tell himself it was worth it. That he did the right thing and he wasn't just pissing every bit a good he had out into the wind.

A muffled sob wrings out of his lungs. Everything else becomes dull, even the comfort of his mate's voice. The tom digs his heels into the dirt to keep from folding over. He shakes his head, wishing that he could be woken up from the nightmare before him, which only grows more vivid, red painting his peripheral vision.

He would've given her the world, knocked down every star in the sky, but what Wavesong asks of him now feels even more impossible than that. Because how can he not blame someone? He needs there to be something to accuse. A place to unload some of the weight for their loss, rather than having to bear it all. If there isn't, then what? Who does he set his teeth to?

ShadowClan only took some herbs to provide for themselves, but the ripples their actions made a tidalwave of his life. Pikestar meant well and did his best as their leader, but good intentions and his 'best' were never enough. The kits were Jinglemoon's care, and no doubt the tom had done everything he could but Shellkit had still died. He was only trying to protect his family, but in the end, he still lost them.

He reaches for the tiny form resting soundly at the bottom. A muddied paw trembles over her, not daring to dirty her fur with his touch. A sob seeps quietly through his teeth, rippling through him.

He doesn't want to give another one of their daughters to the sea. But no amount of begging will change their course now. If Wavesong could've steered them along a different path, she would've long ago, but not even she could outsail death. After everything else he's already put her through, he won't deny Wavesong her wish. He would see to it that their daughter made it home. He tried, he did, but he couldn't do one of the things she asked of him. "And Troutkit?" The little tom isn't resting with his sister, but he was just as frail. If Wavesong told him that any of their other kits would soon join Shellkit, he didn't know if he could handle all that loss, but he needed to know regardless.

x

THE SPLINTERED MAST I'M HOLDING ON

WON'T SAVE ME LONG

x

ROGUE

✗ EXILE

36 MOONS

HE/HIM

✕ Chocolate ticked tabby w/ amber eyes. Peppered with scars. Deep gash across the right side of his face, exposing one canine slightly. Missing left ear.
✕ Deep gravelly voice that might unsettle others.
✕ Former RiverClan LifeGuard
✕ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted. For other powerplays, DM.
✕ Fur smells faintly of blood and seasalt.

 

[Wavesong]

The ocean is in my soul,
And it's pulling me back to shore.
I'm letting go of the weight that's dragging me down.

.

Her heart hammered painfully in her chest as she watched her mate gaze at the little body in the basket. She knew that no words, no gentle nuzzles or whispered comforts, could ease the pain he felt. Flowers and shells could not bring back life, they could not make everything right. Shellkit was gone, and once again, they were left without a daughter. " I am so sorry... " she blubbered, tears streaking down her cheeks. " I tried... I tried s'hard... T'keep her with us... She... She fought so hard, Adder... So hard... She wanted t'live... She wanted t'try... But... But it was too much... " Her voice faltered as a sob broke through and she dipped her head. " S... She passed in the dead of night.... Today... "

It hurt. The ache of losing another daughter tore through her like a clawed paw, a fresh wound layered atop old grief. She was grateful, fiercely grateful, that her other kits were alive, that they were well... But Shellkit... She had dreamed of giving her a life filled with love, adventure, and joy. And now that dream lay in pieces. Adder was gone from their lives, their family, shattered. She could not put the pieces back together, not yet. Not without bleeding herself in the attempt.

Her mind flicked to Troutkit, curled peacefully somewhere in the nest. He had been so fragile, so sickly... But he had survived. Her chest tightened at the thought, a knot of relief and fear mingling together. What if something happened to him next? Her youngest, her fragile little fish... Oceans, please... Her thoughts drifted to Crescentmoon and Rushingtide, her strong, bright, and growing sons. They were thriving, yes, but the memory of all she had lost... Coral from her first litter, her sweet Shellkit, the life she had hoped for with Adder... It still clung to her, heavy as stone in her chest. Could she give them the future they deserved, knowing how fleeting life had been for some of their siblings? Could she teach them courage when her own heart felt so fragile?

Finally, she moved closer to Adder, pressing herself against him, needing the warmth of his presence, needing the comfort of shared grief. She wanted to cry, to scream, to voice her anguish over the life they could not hold, but she forced it down. Not now. Not here. Not when she still had other hearts to protect. " Troutkit lives... " she whispered, her voice trembling but steadying. " He... He's startin' t'look better... Oh, love... He looks s'much like ye... "

Her paw brushed along the fur of the little basket as if she could somehow transmit her grief and love all at once. She leaned her head against his, letting herself shiver as sobs threatened again, but this time there was a glimmer of determination beneath the sorrow. Life had stolen from her, yes... But she was still here. They were still here. And she would guard what remained of her family with every claw, every breath, every beat of her sea-blue heart... Even if one would be from a far distance...

" Adder... Will ye be okay...? W... Will ye promise t'look after ye self..? I... I can't go where ye are... Th'journey's too long for the wee ones... An' I can't leave them fer that long... "

Speech, thoughts/emphasis

41 MOONS

𖧧

RIVERCLANNER

𖧧

SONG

𖧧

bio

 

[Adder]

ADDER

x

The knot in his chest was pulled so tight it strangled the breath right out of him. Muscles rippled beneath his pelt, brine streaking down his cheeks. His jaw locked, tongue writhing, feeling disproportionate to the rest of his mouth.

He stared into the basket at the pale glow of their daughter's pelt beneath the moonlight, the shells tucked into moss, the flowers woven into her cradle. Looking at her tore something from him. A piece forcefully carved from his flesh, still beating once it was removed.

There was nothing for his body to reject, but it wanted to. When Wavesong pressed closer, he couldn't bite back the pathetic sound that wrung out of him.

Whatever had been holding him together gave way under the sound of her breaking with him. Adder shifts to tuck her closer to his chest, struggling to get his words out. "It ain't your fault, darlin'. I know you did. I know." His cords tighten, and he swallows hard, needles jabbing him all the way down.

Alongside their grief, there was a fever running through him. It was burning a hole in him where his heart should've been. Burning so brightly in him, licking up his limbs like a starving hound. Once again, he had to watch as his love went through the pain of losing a kit. When it happened, he should've been there. She had to carry that burden alone until now. Nothing she did could ever make him blame her, least of all for that.

When their Coral was born, she hadn't even pulled air into her lungs before being taken away. Nature did not discriminate between age, gender, or species. That was just how things were, and Adder had long since made his peace with that unfairness.

But this was not the same. Shellkit had taken her first breath. She fought with all the strength her little body could muster til it couldn't no longer. She wanted to live. There was a chance that she could've, but it was taken from them, taken before she was even born. What bothered him most was that reality could've been prevented. Shellkit's death was not inevitable. A piece of their family was stolen from them while cats that claimed to care about them sat and gawked.

A pressure thrummed inside his skull. Faces flickered behind his eyes. A white-pelted apprentice carrying off their herbs—Pineheart clashing with a dark tom—a half-toned warrior wailing as he dragged them into the river—the horror, hatred, and disgust on those who had freely given him their trust—Pikestar rolling a glimmering stone under his paw and then his glossless eyes staring back at him while blood trickled down his chest from his open throat—Jinglemoon hovering over Wavesong as she labored—the six of their kits writhing against her belly.

The one thing that dampened the pain was knowing Troutkit lived. Their son was still fighting, still clinging to the life they'd given him.

She asked if he would be alright. He didn't know how to answer. The longing will drive him mad in the coming days. Since meeting her, he's experienced happiness like no other, and somehow, he was expected to go back to how things were before.

Prey would taste like nothing. The days would feel long again, and the nights even longer. There would be nothing to get up for, to fight for, to want for. Since they crossed paths on the beach that day, everything he did revolved around her and all they made together. Wavesong was his happiness, his light, and the color that bled into everything he saw. He could not, did not, want to exist without her.

Adder knew he couldn't tell her that. "If you an' the kits are safe, then I will be. He tilts his head, meshing the side of his face against hers. "I'll visit when I can… bring things for the kits. I got by on my own before. You focus on the kits and don't worry about me." Slowly, Adder peels away to take a look at her. He takes a moment, committing her face to memory. He didn't know when he would get to see it again.

After a moment, he leans in, brushing his muzzle against her damp cheek. He starts slow, pooling his thoughts together while he has the chance. "I never meant for it. I never wanted t' kill him or to have to leave you and the kits... Everything I did, it was for us, for the kits. I was scared, and I knew we were runnin' out of time and I-I couldn't just sit on my paws like he wanted me to! I couldn't." He moves pacing for a moment before coming to stand by the basket. "I hated him so much. I tried so hard to wrangle that hate, and I still am. Out of all the hurt I caused, killin' was the least of my regrets. What'd you suppose that says about the kind of cat I am?"

What worried him the most was that she would try to take the blame for him. Find something or another that she could have done or could have said, or should have seen. That she would be weighed down by guilt and shame, right alongside him.

"There wasn't a thing you could've done. None of this was your fault, not what I did, not Shellkit dyin'. I put you through hell these past few moons, and for all I know, I was the one who killed our daughter with all the stress I put on you." Might've been hard to see before, but that whole time he was taking a wedge to their family while Wavesong was trying to hold them together. "It's selfish, but if that were the truth, I can't help but wishin' you would hate me for it rather than forgive me like I know you would. You've always been forgiving, more than I deserve and I keep thinkin' it has to stop somewhere." A humorless laugh flutters past his lips, a few more tears streaking his cheeks. His claws peel at the dirt. Adder didn't know how he could say these things. He knew it would hurt her to hear, hell it was killing him, but he couldn't stop. Each cruel word rolled off his tongue, and soon enough he wished he'd kept his mouth shut from the start.

Everyone knew that now. The disappointment in their eyes when Frostmoth cast him out gave it away. Somewhere along the line, they got the wrong idea about what his motivations really were. Though, when he gets to thinkin' about it, he knows exactly why that is. "My heart's only ever been good for something when it came to you, Wavesong. That good in me that they all saw, that you see, it's always been you."

He would protect their family, even from afar, even if he had to kill again, even if that meant he couldn't be with them. No matter how much time passed or how vast the sky between them was, as always, he was hers. "I'll get her home." The tabby leans down to grip the basket by the handle. The longer he stayed, the thinner his resolve became. Any more and he was gonna come undone and start beggin' her to go with him, but they needed to stay, and he needed to go.

x

THE SPLINTERED MAST I'M HOLDING ON

WON'T SAVE ME LONG

x

ROGUE

✗ EXILE

36 MOONS

HE/HIM

✕ Chocolate ticked tabby w/ amber eyes. Peppered with scars. Deep gash across the right side of his face, exposing one canine slightly. Missing left ear.
✕ Deep gravelly voice that might unsettle others.
✕ Former RiverClan LifeGuard
✕ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted. For other powerplays, DM.
✕ Fur smells faintly of blood and seasalt.